Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy 3rd Bithday BRYAN!!

Happy Birthday To my Son

Who couldn't be loved more.

You are loved for:

The little boy you are,

...The man you will grow to be,

And the precious son you will always are.

I luv you Bryan. You are part of me. You always will be :) Hope you have the best day of all!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Birthday Angelina

Dearest Angelina

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! 7! Today you are 7 years old! I am so so proud of the 7 you are! You are sweet and kind. Thinking of others before yourself, and being so quick to help. Whether it is to share a toy, help mama with the baby, help Grace with her school work or help Bryan brush his teeth, you a an amazing helper!!
We started a new journey this school year. We began homeschooling. As much as there is for you to learn, there is as much for me to learn. As we figure out the balance of book learning, to social learning, to self taught, to mama lead, I see you are learning! We are doing it, you and I! You can do things you couldn't back in September. You can add with a remainder, and your spelling is coming quicker the I can believe! It seems every time I turn around you are spelling a new word, or asking questions I don't know the answers too!
I also see a sensitive young girl emerging. You listen quietly to what is being said around you, and are quick to pick up on someone's sadness. Giving a hug, or offering an encouraging smile. You also quick to pick up on a light hearten mood, saying silly things to make others laugh, and giggling a long. You also seem to pick up a air of secret, and whenever you do, that sly smile slides over your face....and I reminded that you are a very smart little girl.

Some exciting things happened this year. You became a big sister again! And you show mommy all over again what a big girl you are. From Klara's first day you have wanted to help. Sing to Klara, rock Klara, and bounce her around. She looks up to you and trusts you so much :)
We also moved. You were nervous and a bit uneasy about moving away from our street. You talked to me about your fears and your desire to visit your friends. We went back for Halloween and you trick or treated up and down the familiar street and saw your friends.
In the new house you and Grace share a room 'downstairs'. You have been a big girl, enjoying the space and helping Grace adjust to being a bit further away from mommy and daddy. I see more and more what good friends you and Grace are becoming. I see the 2 of you are building a friendship that I hope lasts for your whole lives. Please remember Angelina, friends will come and go, but Grace will always be your sister, and she will always love you.

So on your birthday, we visit Boca for lunch and celebrate, and after wards your cousin Abby and friend Isley come for supper. We will sing for you, and hug you and kiss you extra. You will get a special 'birthday' gift, and brownie cake for dessert. We will celebrate you!! Rachel is coming on Saturday, and we will celebrate again with cupcakes, and the Santa Clause parade!

It is to celebrate you, my sweet sweet girl! All the wonderful you are and the joy give to us, just by being you. We celebrate the last 7 years we have had you, and for the years to come.

Happy Birthday Angelina.

I love you.

Love Mommy

Monday, November 22, 2010


I was in inspired to write something. Just to let the blogging world know I'm alive and well. Well for anyone who reads it. The family grows, we have moved, and prepare for a 1st Christmas with our baby girl, and in a new house.

I will get to it.


Turns into today.

And still no time.

Life goes on. Rushing past. Children sitting, talking, spelling, writing, adding, growing.

Mom and Dad struggle with life's questions. Bad choices people make effecting us all to such huge extremes. Trying to figure out what is right for us, were we stand, how to make everyone happy, and still do what is right for us.

Some way we find away, smile and kiss, and the children run around happy. A happy home is all they need.

Replace an old floor, fix a leaky roof, gain a room, plans for painting...some day soon :) But later, because time is short and they are growing fast....

I am blessed!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

17 Days Ago....

17 days ago I woke up as my husband dressed for work, and I told him,

"I will not call you from work today. I will be pregnant forever." All week I had told him, maybe today, maybe today....and every day had gone by. We both laughed, knowing how silly that was.

16 days ago I woke early in the morning, knowing it was the day!

3 hours later, I held this beautiful baby in my arms!

Today, today I hold this beautiful baby in my arms. Time rushes past, and I can't believe it was already 16 days ago! Where has the last 16 days gone?

I love you Klara May.
Don't grow up to fast, okay sweet girl?
Mommy needs to hang on to every minute!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Pics - Klara's Birth

Laboring....Goran, my constant support!

My midwives, Sarah and Karen. See Angelina in the back, fingers in her ears?

Angelina 'plugging' her ears, because I was making to much noise...LOL

Karen 'checking' Klara over....trying to get her to cry

Bryan showing up in the mist of it all

Talking with her....they encouraged me to try to get her to cry...she never did

Daddy with his newest little girl

All 4 of my kids!!!

Angelina with her new sister

Grace with her new sister

Bryan with his new sister

First Nursing

Nursing, skin to skin

Grace laying out Klara's 1st outfit(I bought it the night before at the mall)

Getting her dressed

2 Grandmas with the new baby

Grace, having a turn

Abby, having a turn

Sarah and I chatting after she had gone home and gotten some sleep, then came back to check us over.

Baby Klara with her 'Paka'

Monday, May 31, 2010

Klara May - Born May 23, 2010

Little Klara is 8 days old already. Wow!! Where has the time gone? Here is the story of her birth.

Friday morning I woke up got up and did my things. Getting breakfast and getting Angelina off to school. As the morning wore on I realized I was a bit uncomfortable. Hummm, crampy, but nothing yet to be alarmed about. I called mom, to find out what her day looked like, and I was feeling anxious for Goran to come home. I walked to get Angelina from school. Things picked up, and I had to do some breathing. But once I got home, had a bit of a nap, it all slowed down again.

I was happy when Goran came home. "Ah, anytime now," I thought to myself. Then he told me he had to work tomorrow. I was disappointed. I had hoped he would be home and in my head I could relax. Yes, he would have stayed home had I gone into labor, but in my head HE HAD TO WORK.

Saturday morning started the same. Crampy, and anxious for Goran to come home. Kristyn came with the kids to spend the day. I had a feeling she wouldn't be going home that night. I lost my mucus plug through out the day. Goran was home by lunch time. Yeah!! I felt myself relaxing. Kristyn and I went to the mall. Moving around and walking picked things up a bit. We came home and prepared supper together, and then Goran and I went for a walk to see what would happen. More discomfort, cramping, but nothing I could really time. We had some supper and I had a bath to relax. We went for another walk. This one was more uncomfortable, and I could time contractions now. (It was during this last walk, less then 12 hours before she was born that we decided on her name.) I was getting excited, thinking soon I could be holding my baby!! Goran was excited. The air in the house was full of excitement. The kids were feeding off it, but didn't really understand what was happening.

I told the kids as we put them to bed I thought soon we would have a baby. Maybe by morning, or sometime the next day. Angelina was excited. As she was going to bed Goran pulled out her first tooth. She was so so excited!! Us grown-ups settled down to watch a movie. I was uncomfortable, and contractions were coming and going, but nothing I had to get up for. 1/2 way through the movie we decided to go to bed as I thought, 'It might be a long night.'

I posted on facebook before going to bed that I was tired, and was 'hoping' for some sleep.

I wrapped my arms around my pillow, and settled down on my side, 'allowing' my muscles to relax so baby could move around. I thought the baby might be sitting just a bit funny and once she settled right, things would pick up. As a drifted between contractions I prayed. I prayed for enough sleep to deal with labor, but to have a baby by 'daylight' for the kids.

I got up 2x's for Bryan. I don't remember what the 1st time was about. The second time was just before 3:00am. He was crying. I struggled to get up in that big awkward pregnant way, and stumbled to his room. He was crying because he had lost his sock. I found it in the blankets, put it back on, kiss and hug and went back to bed. As I was settling down, a contraction came fast. I had to breath. In - out, in -out. It slowly ended. Was this is? I wondered. 5 minutes later another one came. Breathing, in and out....slowly it ended. I decided to wait for one more and see what would happen. 2 minutes later another one grabbed me. Eek! I jumped out of bed. I knew the time had come to get down to business.

I walked out to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I went to the washroom, and checked my facebook. Another contraction, breathing, rocking...this was it!! I posted on my facebook: here we go, no more sleeping. Another contraction came. I went down the hall and stood in the doorway.

"Goran? Goran! Its time. Now." I told him.

"Now?" he said in a very sleepy confused voice.

I raised my voice up an notch, "Now Goran!"

"Okay!" he said and at the same time the blankets were thrown back and he was up.

I ambled to the kitchen, calling everyone on my list in turn. I called Sarah, and apologized for waking her. She had just gotten in, she explained...home from another birth. She asked me if I was sure, I said "Yes, I have the shakes, I must be in transition."

"Okay, I'm on my way, Karen will be coming as the backup," she said.

I called my mom, my friend Catherine, and my friend Cheryl. They all answered on the 1st or 2nd ring, and were on their way.

I went downstairs between contractions, calling Kristyn as I reached the bottom, telling her it was time. She got up so fast, I thought she had been awake waiting. (Later I asked, and she had been fast asleep)

I sat on my exercise ball and had a few contractions. Each one was a bit more intense then the last one. Goran came down and started filling up the pool. Kristyn and I chatted a bit between contractions. Cheryl arrived 1st. I think then Sarah, Karen, Catherine, and my Mom. Every time someone came in I could here, "Am I too late?"

I was busy, working through each contraction. Sarah checked me when she arrived, and I was 7cm, YEAH!! 3 to go, and then a baby!! Once Goran got the pool filled, (I was still on the ball) I was asking for a shower with him. I just wanted some privacy with him. Sometime to connect. We waited for the hot water tank to fill up. Everyone was there, chatting, and laughing. Excited that soon my baby would be here!! I told Goran in the shower it would hurt, and I would cry, but gravity would be doing a better job if I was standing up, and I'd get through it faster. So we hopped in the shower for a bit. Goran rubbed my back and encouraged me constantly. He reminded me soon the baby would be here. He told me I was doing a great job. It felt good to have him close to me and telling me all those things I needed to here. For some reason it ment more coming from him then anyone else. Contractions were strong, but it just didn't feel like it was doing the job. We got out and I sat on the ball some more. I groaned and cried out, and rocked, and bounced. I was watching the clock and the windows. I had to have this baby before daylight!!

I had some sterile water injections in my back....ouch!!! It was helpful, as it took the back labor away, but it hurt!

I had been laboring for what seemed like forever. I was getting tired, and cranky. Sarah suggested I try the pool for some pain relief. I finally slid in, the warm water rising over me. Awe, that was nice! It was must easier to totally relax between contractions. I tried sitting, and squatting, and hands and knees. Goran was there holding my hand or pouring water on my back. He was still my constant reminder that I could do this! I was trying to get that baby down, but it didn't seem to want to come. I was getting frustrated. I remember feeling very frustrating. I had the urge to push, but it didn't feel quit right when I tried it. l kept glancing at the clock. 6:00am was approaching and I needed a baby to show the kids when they got up!!

Suddenly Angelina was there. She had her hands over her ears, and was looking a bit distressed. Someone was talking to her and explaining that I was in labor, and soon the baby would come. Once the contraction ended I made eye contract with her and smiled.

"Angelina, its time for the baby to come! You can stay if you like, but Mommy is going to be a bit loud and noisy because it hurts and that's normal. But soon your new brother or sister will be here." She was looking at me with big round eyes. I nodded and smiled at her. She agreed to stay.

It was somewhere around here I decided it was time. Whether I had been fighting the urge to push, or not listening to my body, or suddenly just realized that's what I felt, I'm not sure. But, it was like something clicked in my head, or maybe I noticed the light starting to show through the windows, I wanted this baby out! With the next contraction I bared down hard. I felt the baby's head sliding downward. I was feeling encouraged. I pulled my knees up and pushed again. I felt the skin burning as she was coming down. Suddenly I could hear excited voices.

"Wow! Look, there's a head!" "It's coming Honey, you can do it!" "Its almost here!" "You're almost done Kathryn!"

It hurt! The burning! I could feel the baby's head pushing through.

"Ahhhh!! Pull her out, please, pull her out!" I screamed.

Sarah knelt down beside the pool. She was reaching for the baby to help me.

"Slow, Kathryn, pant, breath, slow it down."

I tried that, and thought, 'forget it!'. One more big push, and felt I the baby slide out, and was reaching down for her, pulling her up to my chest. It was incredible to feel her against me. Soft and warm, and she hardly cried.

The room erupted in shouts and cries of joy and happiness. "Woohoo, a baby!" "Yeah!"

I smiled around at everyone, making eye contact with Goran. We shared a smile. Sarah was busy rubbing and cleaning the baby off. Suddenly Bryan was there as well. Cheryl had heard him, going up to get him, and missing the actual birth.

"What do we have? A boy or girl?" I heard her ask.

I was so convinced it was a girl, referring to her so often as that, it had not even crossed my mind to check. I looked at Goran,

"I'll show you, and you call it out, ok?" He nodded his agreement, saying okay.

I showed him, "A girl, its a girl,"he said.

I asked for someone to get Grace, and someone did. Bringing her down, and introducing her to the baby.

The midwives had some concern over her, and tried to get her to cry, but she never really did. She pinked up, and her breathing was great. She was just content not to cry. Everyone took turns holding her, while I got cleaned up. There was some discussion over the placenta, as I had really wanted to do the 3rd stage myself, but I was worried about cramping, and it all seemed to be taking along time, time I wanted with my 'new' family and baby. So in the end I took the injection and it was over within a few minutes.

It was a nice calm day. Everyone helping out with clean up, breakfast, the children taking turns holding Klara May, and playing in between. My mom went and got Goran's mom after she made a delicious breakfast of pancakes. I nursed, and napped, and cuddled little Klara, and ate lots of food. Goran and I were able to spend lots of time together. We had a nap in the morning together with the baby, and again after lunch. Kristyn and Catherine stayed to 'care' for us, and help with the kids. My mom left for a bit, but came back for supper with my dad.

As I finish this post, it is now almost 2 weeks after she was born! She is a happy baby, crying only when she's hungry or very wet. She tolerates her sisters and brother holding her, very well. She loves to be snuggled against me in the sling, and to go for walks. We've got the nursing figured out, and I again cherish these moments, as too soon they are all but a fleeting memory.

I will post tonight with pictures. Its to hard now to try to slip them into the feed.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

2 Days to Go - Will I Make It?

I have been passing my plug most of the day, and contractions are coming and going. My tummy is quit tight, and through some contractions I have had to stop and breath, or rock back and forth on my feet a bit. Kristyn is here for the day, and we went out to the mall, where I was feel uncomfortable and cramping on and off but no real pattern. We are home now and I have thrown some supper in/on the stove and Kristyn is cutting veggies for supper as well. Planning to go for a walk, and supper, maybe a shower to see if things pick up or slow down.

Hoping fingers crossed, this keeps coming and I have a baby soon. It would be so nice to sit and watch Lost tomorrow with a baby in my arms :-)

The kids are excited, and although they don't understand fully, they can feel the excitement in the air, and can hear our excited voices talking and laughing. I explained to Angelina that my tummy is hurting and this is either going to get stronger to 'help' mommy push the baby out, or stop and go away, and then it will be in tomorrow or the next day. A big grin spread across her face. I took a few minutes to tidy the basement and put the pool out. Showed Goran my 'set up'.

"What to you think?" I asked

He gave me hug. "I'm excited," he said smiling. "If not today, very soon."

Just this morning I was thinking I would be pregnant forever....LOL!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

3 Days to Go -almost over

Meaning the day is almost over. Things seemed to be picking up this morning, and I thought we'd have a baby by tomorrow morning, if not sooner. Well, things were kinda slow this morning, on and off, and then I lay down for a nap, and it all seemed to stop. Its a bit of an emotional roller coaster, getting ready, gearing up for the pain, and the birth, seeing my baby, holding my baby, kissing, cuddles, nursing, introducing the other kids...and then it all stops. *sigh* But then we went to pick A up from school and it all started again. But then some time in the house just puttering around and it all slows and stops again.

I know its coming. One day, soon, will be the day. I'm very tired today so that doesn't help the emotions for sure.

Planned a quiet night with hubby, and hoping for a good sleep. Its always nice to go into labor well rested :-). Kristyn and the little ones are coming tomorrow, keep me occupied, and the children happy. If I'm not having a baby tomorrow we planned a trip to the mall, and I thought maybe ice cream for everyone.

But tomorrow is a good 10 hours away, and lots can happen in that time...LOL!!

Check in tomorrow.

3 Days to Go - I'm Think'n I'm Close

Yesterday was a very busy day, with the cleaning and organizing. But the closet looks fab, and the office looks huge again. I even got to the furnace room, adding a shelf from the closet, and getting things off the floor. I did a good vacuum downstairs, and cleaned the bathroom. All ready for labor. I even got all the laundry folded and put away :) What a successful day!

By evening I was quit tired - not done everything as I was up till wee hours of the morning - but tired, and I was having little contractions every 20 mins or so. I was a little excited, and nervous at the same time. After a trip to the bathroom I discovered some of my plug...I think. I did some research before going to bed, and I understand that 'early' plug is more yellow without blood, and the latter is usually more blood tinged, pink, red, to brownish in color. So it would a peer my body is getting ready, and those 'little' contractions are doing something.

I have had more of both this am already, an only been up for few hours. I would like to get my sheets cleaned, vacuum, wash a floor, make some skor bars and take the kids outside 1st....but baby's, as I remember with B usually have their own plans....LOL.

So, I'm a bit nervous, excited, scared, and happy all at the same time. Is it possible for one person to feel all those things at once? Hoping before the weekend is over...fingers crossed!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The end of the 4th Day to Go

I went in today to have my blood pressure checked, and it was fine. I was quit upset the other day. Thankfully it was good today, and I was able to chat with Tanya and bring her up to do date with all that happened. She was fantastic! She didn't palpate for the baby, or check the heartrate, we just chatted, and then checked my BP and sent me home. Well, I went out for lunch actually :)

Its been a busy day as Goran finished the back basement closet, so I have been busy putting the closet and office back together. Since I was at it, I decided to clean up the furnace room too. I have been nagging (yes I nag) him since Christmas about the furnace room, and decided to stop nagging and just do it.

It feels good to get these things done. Something else off the checklist before baby comes. Tomorrow is just a clean up, vacuum kinda day. Laundry away, and organizing the kids clothes a bit maybe.

Definitely have the bowling ball feeling in my pelvis, so that head is down there working hard. I'm excited to meet and see my new baby. Hope its not to far away. The season finally to Lost is on Sunday night and Goran jokes how I 'can't' have the baby that day. I told him I thought it would be nice to watch it with baby sleeping in my arms :) Fingers crossed!!

That's it for now. Gonna finish tidy/cleaning, and then put my feet up and hope to sleep like a baby (LOL) 2-night!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

5 Days to Go - Head Down After it All

After a fitful night full of tears, and dread, and an early morning, I slumped into the car so Goran could drive me around the corner to the U/S place. My feet dragged up the steps. Each sandal slapping on the concrete stairs, sounding in my ears. It took me a few moments after the u/s tec. had begun the U/S to believe he was in the pelvis checking the size of baby's head. I was quiet.

Finally I said "Is that a head? Is the baby head down?"

'Yep, head down," as replied.

I turned my head and looked at Goran. Just looked. I felt like a deflating balloon. My heart stopped racing, I smiled, and my body relaxed. Goran knew Monday night already. He knew, and I doubted him. I believed the midwives over him. I feel bad now :( but I know he doesn't see it that way or hold it against me.

So I think the baby was transverse last week, but flipped, and that big bony bum has been in my ribs since about Sunday. And that big bony bum has fooled me, and the midwives, but the rest is what it is.

So today I will clean up the house, do my laundry, a bit of baking, relax and enjoy one more day of pregnancy - cause soon its over and I will miss the feeling of my baby in me :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

6 Days to Go - its been a long one

Bounced around from midwife to midwife, clinic to HP for a postnatal exam (?????) and finally pressured into a U/S tomorrow at 8:00am. My blood pressure was through the roof because I was so so so upset about being bounced around and ending up in a hospital, they need to check it tomorrow. I told them they can come to my house. I'm in no rush to go there. She thought the baby was breech, which is better then transverse, so no one is doing a transversion. My baby will come out. The u/s is to see if there a placenta they say, but I have little faith, and trust in 'them' right now. Goran still thought it was a head.

Contracting, and hoping this turns into the real thing and we have a baby by morning. That would be the best and easiest solution for me.

In the mean time, I am going to do dishes and tile a closet, and then see.

Its likely nothing, and will stop, and I will have to go u/s tomorrow and they will find some other problem that will then lead to something else. *sigh*...why did I let 'them' talk to me into a u/s anyways???

I will post tomorrow. Likely with u/s info, but hopefully baby info :) Wouldn't that be nice.

6 Days to Go - Part II

They have switched me to see my 3rd today. (My 2nd was at a birth all night) Someone I have never met. I called the secretary back explaining with the sensitive issue of the baby's position and that I was not comfortable seeing someone I didn't know, but she would not budge, saying this is really why they wanted me to come in today.

Now I'm upset and nervous about that, and the way my baby was laying last week. Grrr.....can't I ever win?

6 Days to Go - Midwife Apt Today

Explicit Content

Later today I get myself ready, and the 2 little ones' and head off to the midwives. I'm a bit nervous, but am quite hopeful too. I'll tell you why, and the is were the 'content' comes in. I have not had/allowed the midwives at this point to do a vag. exam. I'm hoping to avoid the coolness of it all together, until of course my pab. at my 6 week check up. I can't do vag. exams myself. Either my fingers are too short, or my belly is to big...I don't know. I have tried different positions ect but find it all very frustrating. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to check myself and know what my cervix is doing? To feel my baby's head moving from the inside? I can't, and it makes me a bit mad...but anyways so what do I do? I ask the dear love of my life to help me out. :) He did this during my pregnancy with Grace and Bryan, and then the midwives would confirm at my next apt what I already knew...LOL! He got quit good at it, and when I was in labor with Bryan he had was so funny to watch his face change into surprise, and after few moments he smiled, saying "The baby's head is right there, and I guess about 7 cm's." It was so wonderful finding out that news with him. The person I had made the baby with! Shortly after the midwives arrived and confirmed, what we already knew :)

So where does this lead to my hopefulness today? Last night I had him 'check'. He guessed a good 3, but had other great news. Again, it was so nice to see the smile spread across his face and a little shake of his head, "I feel the head, its right there."

I shot out with questions right away."How do you know? Are you sure? Its not a bum?"

"Noway! To hard to be a bum. I just know, that's a head," he smiled at me. "Good news hey?"

I was beaming I'm sure. All those crazy positions, and walking, seems they help? Or maybe baby had the intentions or doing it all the time, just wanted to make things exciting....LOL!

Later he said, "I'm not a midwife, or a doctor, so I could be wrong, but felt like a head to me."

He's always been right before, so I'm giving him some faith. And even if its a bum, at least this baby is not sitting transverse, so I can still push it out at home!

As I layed in bed this morning, thinking it all, I was feeling my tummy, I could feel kicks (?) on the left side, and I'm pretty sure I could follow a bum and back all the way down. :) So yes, good news for me.

I will post again after the midwives.

Monday, May 17, 2010

7 days to Go - Kicks, List of ?'s For Midwife

Definitely getting kicks on the left side up in my ribs. Hope this is means a head down baby...feeling pressure (from a head?) 'down there' and none of the weird pressure from one part sitting on each hip I had on Friday and Saturday. I'm hopeful today this will be another great home birth for me.

I wrote that this am. As the day has turned into evening I 'feel' kicks down there again and I think a big knobby head up near my belly button. Seems this baby still has lots of room to move!!

Here is my list I'm working on for the midwife.

  1. What would you do?? if you were me, with my history, (G & B) and really believed in the end that my body and baby will do it, what would you do?
  2. If I go with a transversion, can I go home without them breaking my water?
  3. If not, how long can I wait for a transversion?
  4. I don't want an epidural, is that a possibility? Because I want to go home and birth my baby.
  5. Can/Will MW and hubby come with me for a transversion? (I won't go without those support people)
  6. 'M' if we end up in hospital -NOT 'B'!!! One hospital is the one in the town I live in, the other is one town over. It might take a few extra minutes to get to 'M' - but 'B', they are knife happy, and the nurses are difficult, and NO ONE, I mean NO ONE I know who has gone in there has come out happy.
  7. What drugs are my choice if I end up in c-section?
I want to make sure that my MW knows how I feel. I don't feel any support from them for my decision or 'choices' at this point. I feel like I am fighting them for what I know my body can do. I feel they should be empowering me, and supporting me, and continue to do that along the way. At this point, because I have had to fight them, I don't have much trust or faith in them. They seem to doubt their ability to help or even support me, and this is causing me to doubt them when it comes down to 'crunch' time. Are they really going to advocate for me if I end up in an ambulance/hospital, or are they going to let the Dr's and nurses take me and wave as they wheel me done the hall.

I think that's it. It might be a really hard discussion, but I think so so important if I am to get through this with them. They need to know how I feel, and be able to be what I need, and they can't do that if they don't know the 'mistake's' I feel they are making when it come to me.

Okay, going to submerse myself in a tub of water, and go to bed. I need to sleep and rest knowing this will be over long before I am ready for it :)

7 Days to Go - Pics Last Night

Belly Shots - So Close!!

I am so close to the end. 'Could be any day now', but I don't feel like that. I have decided for day to leave the worry for tomorrow. I am enjoying the movements - feeling my baby - which ever way he/she is lying right now. Which ever way it turns out to be 'over', when its done its done and I can't get this back.

So here are 2 belly shots - I have some 'risky' ones, but am a bit to shy to put them up :) I'm glad I have them for myself. I will develop them and put them in the baby's album.

In these shots I believe I am about 38 weeks and 6 days. My belly, I think, is bigger then ever before!! I wonder how big the baby is, and whether he/she is as big as the others, bigger or smaller. I can't say it feels different. I wonder ever so much whether I'm carrying a boy or girl.

Its looks like a misshapen beach ball in there!!! Can't wait to hold this baby :)



I have a million ?'s for the midwife tomorrow. I will post them tonight and write them down so I don't forget, and write down her answers tomorrow.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

8 Days - Angelina's Questions

I was making lunch for them today and Angelina has some questions for me. She has clearly heard me talking about the baby and how its lying, and what will happen. It was clear as we talked that she understood there was a problem.

"Mommy, how is your baby laying in your tummy?"

"Well on Tuesday when were at the midwives the baby was laying transverse." Pointing at my tummy I showed her what that means. "The baby's head is here and bum is here. Most baby's come out head first, but some come out bum first."

"How did I come out?"

"You came head first. So did Grace and Bryan."

"How will this baby come out?"

"Well, we don't really know. Either head first or bum first. But a transverse baby" - pointing to reminder her what that means - "sideways, can't come out. Those baby's get stuck, and then mommy would have to go to the hospital and have a c-section."

"I know what that is," she said - and actaully avoided eye contact with me - "that's when they cut you and take the baby out."

"Yes, that's right," I told her. "They would cut mommy here," I showered her low on my tummy, "and pull the baby out of my tummy. But we are really hoping that baby goes one way or the other, head or bum, so that doesn't happen. We just have to wait and see."

That seemed to satisfy her.

But it really is that simple, and I don't think there is much we can do at this point but wait. Like I have said over and over again....I will see on Tuesday and talk to the midwife more then. Just waiting really....the hardest part :)

8 Days to - Sunday May 16

I see, looking at the weather, the next pressure system isn't until till next weekend. That is when the baby will come. Sat or Sun....any guesses? I have a week for baby to turn. Or stay breech. Which will it be? Worry, worry, seems like all I do. I'm tired today, and the rest of the crew were all up at 7:00am...but going for a good nap, as noses are running, and grumpies are on. Daddy took the smallest one swimming, and once he's back I will be off to my workshop.

That's it for now as I have a million things to do before I leave. Have a great day, pics tonight!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

9th Day to Go - Bed Time

Off to bed I go shortly. I have given up for tonight trying to feel where the baby's head is, or guessing what the shifting is 'way down low'. I'm tired, I don't know in the end what's going to happen. I believe it will all work out, because this IS what my body has been made to do. 3 times before with great success. I've walked, and done my crazy puke inducing positions and hope, but have a bit of doubt, that its helping somehow.

Busy day tomorrow. A communication workshop. I'm looking forward to, but had hoped 2 weeks ago at Part II I wouldn't be there for Part III because of a baby. But I kinda knew I would be. So, I will make my desserts ready, and off I go once daddy and Bryan get home from swimming. At least its keeping my mind busy and I won't be worrying to much :)

I will have Goran take some pics while I'm still pregnant, and hope to post them in the next few days. I keep thinking I have to do that before it's to late, but the days keep going by before I get a chance. But I put the camera on the table so I won't forget or put if off any longer.

That's it for tonight. Hoping I sleep well.

9 Days to Go - Breech This Am.

My baby remains in a 'unfavorable' position. Breech - as that big head is on the left side of my navel, and kicks are way down low in my pelvis. I will walk more this today, do my upside down lie a few times, and and do the inversion in hope baby flips.

I'm feeling a bit discouraged, but not hopeless. I know there is still lots of time, and I am mulling over a few more ideas in my head. Chiropractor, or maybe a bought of swimming next week. It seems to me the swimming got us in this mess as baby was more buoyant and bobbed head up, so what will it hurt to go swimming...LOL. And I have been going over the whole 'transeversion' by doctor in my head. I know how they 'usually' do it, but I would have my won idea. I would go in, with my husband and my midwife. NO epidural. I understands it makes it easier, but I'm not comfortable not being able to move. I would not want to induced after wards either. My midwife told me after wards they break the water so the baby doesn't turn around again. Makes sense, other then baby will start labor when he/she is ready. I don't want to break my waters and then sit for 24 hours. Oh, and I want to go home after ward. I'm not staying there. No way. I will go home and wait for my labor to start.

Well, I have till Tuesday to get this baby to turn. I will remain hopeful and do my stuff.

Friday, May 14, 2010

10 Days to go - Part II - Baby

Okay, so the big concern is the way my baby is sitting. Well I am quit sure that this morning baby was head up. Big bobble head on the right side by my navel. And a little itty bum resting on my pelvis. Feet and kicks way down inside. So its been a busy day. Cleaning, vacuuming, washing floors, laundry, baking, walking the oldest to and from school, and almost time to get supper ready. Well now at the near end of the day, and my energy, I KNOW beyond a doubt this baby is transverse. I feel a head on one hip (right) and a butt on the other (left). So what am I going to do now? Walk, inversion, and hope like crazy he/she decides to go head down.

This website is good, and talks about all kinds of positions that baby's sit in. It also mentions that if you baby has been head down and recently flipped, to give it time, (a few days) as it will likely flip again. Here is for hoping :)

And off for a walk, for some help from gravity!!!

10 Days...and walking for today :)

10 days to go. The sun is shining and it is warm and lovely out. Kristyn is coming with wee ones tomorrow to fill my day with smiles, laughter and good food as usual :) I am happy about that. My belly is big and round, and the baby is moving and kicking in every which way. Hopefully baby wants out, as much as I want him/her out!

Goran and I talked last night. I explained all the fears and uncertainties I had. I explained how it was my choice and in the end everyone would either tell me I did the right thing, or tell me I did the very very wrong thing. He asked for details, which we've never gone into before. What happens if baby is breech in labor? What about transverse? How would a transversion work? Is the baby or you in danger now/today? In the end he shook his head at the system thinking it was all quit unfair and said for now I have made the best decision. If I go into labor we will re-asses then, or if the midwife has new/different info on Tuesday or the same info, we would then discuss it all again. It made me feel good to know he supported the decision I had already come too.

So today I will go for a few good walk, do a bit of baking, vacuum and wash the floors (hands and knees:) and try to get the laundry done. Already I have started with 2 small loafs of banana bread, we walked Angelina to school and the laundry is waiting to be separated. A good start to the day. And my mom has sent me a quick message to let me know 2 baby blankets are in the making. A pink one and a blue one....just in case I'm wrong about a girl :)

Hoping baby is head down - or moves that way today!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

11 Days To Go

I'm almost there!! 11 days to go to by the day I estimate as my Edd. May the 24th, 2010. I should be excited, and joyful, alternating between resting and preparing. I am looking forward to holding my baby. To seeing if I have been carrying a little girl or a little boy. I am looking forward to introducing the children to a new brother or sister. I am looking forward to nursing again. I weened the youngest when I found out I was pregnant, and I miss that. I am looking forward to presenting a new baby to my husband.

But I'm worried at the same time. I saw the midwife 2 days ago, and the baby was laying transverse. I*sigh*here heavily. My baby's have all moved around a lot. They were concerned last time, and Bryan came out head first, beautiful, healthy, and crying. I had to tell my midwife, as she laughed nervously that she should be my source of empowerment, not the other way around. Oh, she stopped laughing, well yes, she said, a bit shamefully. I have chosen to let my baby get to where it needs to be, the way it needs to do that. I felt like I was fighting with her, for my right to birth my baby how and where I wanted. She actually suggested having an OB turn the baby, breaking my water and having the baby in the hospital!!! What?? Me?? I felt I made the best choice I could picking a midwife over an OB, but I still feel let down by the system. There are still things, if its footling breech, or other such things, they would rush me in. No discussion. And for what in the end? A very disappointed mama, and a baby whom I betrayed. Women birth babies all over the world, in many many different ways. Most of the time it works out because babies in the womb are resilient. But here, today, in our society and culture, anything but head first is not normal and considered risky?? How strange and odd.

My second daughter was born at home. My first home birth. She came down my birth canal and crowned face presentation!!!! My midwife did not realize. I am so so so thankful. Had she known upon arrival we would have gone to the hospital and they would have taken her out of my body. Yes, I would have ended up with c-section. And for what? She came out screaming for her mama, and I was the most empowered woman on the planet! Not only had I birthed my baby at home, I had pushed her out face first!

During my second pregnancy I was afraid of the birth. Of the pain. The unknown and fear of what ifs. What if my body betrayed me? I didn't want to talk about it. Going to the hospital terrified me. The lights, bossy nurses, the rubber gloves, interns dieing to 'check' you every 1/2 hour. It was awful the first time around. Now, the pain does not scare me. I am not afraid that my body with betray me. I am afraid that the people I have trusted to walk through this, with me, will. I am afraid their fear will spill over, and they will take the drastic ambulance/hospital rout. And that at the time, their fear will become mine and I will agree, and end up in c-section. A c-section. That is my biggest fear. Surrendering to a doctor, a knife, a scar I will have forever, a baby they will take from me to 'check over' because my baby hasn't been able to clear his/her air way by coming down my birth canal. The shame after wards. Wondering if I had fought harder, would it had all worked out??

I am trying to remain positive. I am walking to bring that big head 'down'. I am preparing; baking, cooking and cleaning to get things ready for the arrival of my baby. I have seeked out support from people who I know can and will support my decision.

So hopefully in/by 11 days from I am holding a beautiful slippery screaming baby, and did it all at home.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


Things are growing around here! We have planted seeds; beans, pumpkins, and avocado. The avocado's will hopefully become pleasant house plants, and the bean and pumpkins, the kids will watch grow through the spring and summer, and pick as they become ready. It would be nice if we had some nice pumpkins to carve into jack-o-lanterns come October.

As the children point out daily, I am growing as well. 4 weeks to go, and as each day goes by, I am more and more ready to battle birth and win :) Yes, it will be painful, and I won't like it, but it will be really nice to have a baby to hold! An even trade off if you ask me. Grace will tell me things like, "Wow, your belly sure is getting big." Or ask, "Is your baby ready to come out yet?" Angelina has the concept and understand of counting down the time. She knows the baby is coming at the end of May, and is counting down with me. Often at a quiet time of day, I will be sitting or laying, and the children will come and put their little hands on my belly. "Where is the bum? Feet? Head?" they ask. They talk to the baby to try to coax him/her to move, or I will give a nudge so they feel some movement. Their little faces break into a grin, and their eyes twinkle when they feel the baby.

I'm big and awkward right now. I don't 'like' that part to much. I get tired easier, and going for long walks is hard, as it seems I need to be close to a bathroom all the time, and once I really get going those braxton hix pick up, and I feel quit uncomfortable. Sleeping is hard with terrible indigestion, and a painful pelvic region. But for each of these things I find a way to make it work. I arrange 4 pillows at night so I can sleep. I take gaviscon to bed to help with the indigestion. We go for walks, but stay close by, just go around the block 5 times :) and the braxton hix....breath deep, in - out - in - out, I know they are getting me ready. But there are parts I like and will miss. The baby moving, and the kids feeling and watching. My husbands hand giving my belly a rub. Yes, soon its over and those things I will miss.

So I decide to enjoy the day for what it is, and leave the worries in yesterday. I only get today once, and its sunny and beautiful out!!

Today, I will watch things grow :)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

34 weeks, Gender Guesses Anyone??

34 weeks, Gender Guesses Anyone??

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Its Growing - Its Coming

My belly - aka baby - is growing, and labor day is coming. I remember feeling this way with Bryan too. The feeling of fear and dread as the day of labor approached. Why? Grace was my 1st true natural birth, and it hurt. As much as I want so badly to hold this baby in my arms, a phase keeps going through my head "What have you gotten yourself into?" I am definetly not ready, today, to go through the pain of childbirth to have that. Because that is what it is. Pain. I remember crying out, clutching my belly, and thinking an epidural with my legs up and my head on a pillow sleeping, sounded pretty good. I remember that feeling of thinking I couldn't go on another minute. I got crappy and snapped at the midwives and Goran and anyone else who dared to say anything to me. And then somewhere deep inside, I pulled from my pool of strength, all I had left in me, and did it. I took a deep breath, and faced my fear. It seemed only minutes from that decision that I felt that urge to push, knowing that soon it would be over.

I think this is the beauty of pregnancy. Because today, no, I'm in no way ready to go through labor. But in 10 weeks from now, another 5 lbs from now, and a bigger belly, contractions coming

and going for the last 4 weeks, I will somewhere along the line decide I am ready to go through labor to 1. have my baby in my arms instead of in my body, 2. to be able to touch my toes! 3. to just simply have my body back so I can breath again, 4. to be able to sleep again (although people forget they have a baby to be up for)

Yes, in the end pregnancy is aquard and exhausting. I have a hard time moving, eating, sleeping, and yes breathing. God planned pregnancy well, I think! Knowing in the beginning no woman wants to 'labor', but by the end, 9 months of growing and waiting, EVERY woman is ready to do it.

I am in the homestretch. Tired and crappy, but not quite ready yet...LOL. 29-30 weeks along. Baby is moving through out the day, and a nice reminder of days ahead of a baby in my arms :) Last week baby was head fingers crossed for a head down baby next midwife visit, and that baby stays that way. Bryan kept us holding our breath till labor started as he flipped and flopped till 38 weeks.

That's it for now, I will post some more pics soon.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Febuary - Finally Some Snow

1. Angelina making snow angels

2.Bryan helping Daddy cleaning the driveway

3. Gracie with this crazy lump of snow she found on our walk and insisted on carrying home. Even though we had some at home..LOL She is sitting and resting, because she was tired here

4. All 3 of them, with the 1st snowmen they ever made on their own!!

We have been enjoying some snow, finally. The kids are busy, sledding around in it, and building snow men. They really luv it. And I'm happy to say that I'm glad it stays lighter longer, and we have been able to get out and enjoy some sunshine before supper. We go for a nice walk, and the kids laugh and play and talk along the way.

And I am feeling good. I am between 27-28 weeks, and I can feel the baby moving all the time. Yesterday I was in the laundry room with Goran while he was hammering something, and every time he banged the nail, the baby jumped :) Its so nice, even now while we can't see the baby, or even know whether we are having a boy or girl, this wee one responds to us. He/she can hear us. Sometimes when I am in the kitchen banging pots and pans getting supper ready, baby will be kicking and I imagen, complaining a bit. So I will rub my belly and tell baby that everything is fine, I am just getting supper ready for all the sisters, and brother he has out here :) The baby definitely likes it when I am busy, and moving. He/she seems more settled, enjoying the ride. But I can remember Bryan complaining every time I sat down. Or in bed at night, I can remember him being so active, I couldn't' sleep at times! This baby seems a bit more laid back. Hasn't kept me up once yet. Bryan has a real thing about the baby too. Lifting up my shirt and rubbing my belly. He actually lifts up the arm of his shirt and rubs his forarm on it...LOL. And he talks to the baby. He will ask about the baby, if he sees new baby gear coming in, or the 'baby draw' "When baby come?" he will ask. says baby is jus over 2lb right now about 14 inches long, and will respond to light on my tummy by turning towards it!! I think thats amazing!! So baby is definetly responding to all of us in turn, depending on who is talking with me, or making loud noises, but I'm not sure you could say baby is interacting with us. But I will pretend he/she is, because its a nice thought.

As most people expect, we are planning a lovely quiet homebirth. I day dream more and more about when the baby is here. A nice quiet summer, nice strolls with the baby in the sling, and the other 3 near by. Warm sunny days spent at the splash pad, with a picnic. All in good time.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Happy 4th Birthday Grace

We luv you so much Grace!!

4 years ago, I did it! I had my coveted home birth. I battled childbirth, 100% naturally, just like I had so badly wanted, and I won! I cried out in pain, when the contractions became to much, and breathed deep to catch myself in between. I remember the support and encouragement from my birth team. I remember Goran wanting so badly to go out for a smoke and begging him not to. ( He didn't! He stayed!)

I remember the first glimpse of her face! I remember what it felt like when I pushed her from my body. The first feeble cries, and Goran cutting the cord. I remember them tucking her in beside me, telling me she needed "Mommy" and feeling so proud to here those words.

Here we are 4 years later. Now we celebrate this sweet girls birthday. Sometimes I think she is a 4 year old monkey! She is rumbustious, and clever. She likes to playfully repeat..."Daddy said______". Sometimes she comes up with her own dialog, using this time to use forbidden words....LOL....yes that is my 2nd child:) She can be the sweetest and most caring child, sharing new toys, and be the first to give a hug to someone who's hurt. She seems to so really understand feelings! Even when someone is just feeling 'blue' she wants fix it. Or if someone is really happy, she wants to join it the fun, and giggle and shout with glee. She is tender and sweet with babies, and really luvs them. She holds them gently, and will sing and rock them for hours on end - real or just dolls! She like to help out. Doing some dusting, folding face cloths, or feeding small ones that need a hand.

She is our Grace. Silly and funny, sweet and lovable and irreplaceable!

Happy Birthday big girl! I hope you have a fantastic day, love your new PJ's, and have enjoyed spending the day in them!!

This is what I mean. 'Gracie, smile!"


Gracie gave her sues sues to Baby Zachary this year!

Gracie and her cousin Abby!