It was about a month ago I posted about my weight. My desire to lose, and my plan. The month has had its ups and down. Some good weight in's and not so good. And now I've been sick for the past 3 days. I worry when I get sick. I worry about that 3 month long sinus infection I had 3 years ago. How sick I was, how hard everything was, how tired I was, how I went to the doctor over and over again...and got no where. How much time I wasted, and ended up at the reflexologist who finally got me on the right path...but it was really another 3 months later. Anyways, I worry I will get sick like that again. And what does this mommy do when she is sick and stressed out? Uh ha, I ate way way to much. So stepping on the scale this am, I am where I started when I made that post. My heart sank, and I had to get off that scale and make the number go away. I rushed through my shower, angry and upset with myself.
So I face weigh-in day. I battle whether I should go. Whether I can really see those numbers on the scale tonight. I think it would set me back, and depress me. I don't think its worth the hurt to step on that scale tonight. But the meeting would be great for me. The motivation, and encouragement I receive from the meetings are so worth it.
So my plan is to go. Go to my meeting, skip weigh in. Enjoy the meeting and come home refreshed and ready for a new week. That is what I will do.
Goran told me this morning, he was proud of me. He said something like this "I luv you no matter what, and you know if doesn't matter to me, but I admire your determination and your fight. I know you will do this."
And really, what other choice do I have? Accept my weight and be unhappy looking in the mirror, and avoiding camera's forever?
I won't accept that. I deserve better. This is a journey. This is one step to success.
I'm homeschooling my babies. I don't want to miss it. This learning. The light in there eyes, the joy, the excitement. I don't want someone else to see all those things in my kids, and for me to miss it. Angelina was in school for 2 years, and it killed me every day she went off to school. Someone else was getting the best of her, and I was getting this tired, cranky kids at the end of the day. And there was school work to do, ect. And I wasn't there to protect her. Save her from the bullies, big and small. That scared me. So, with much ado, hubby agreed to let me go ahead. Keep my sweet girl home, get the best of her, watch her eyes light up, enjoy, and teach her to luv learning.
I wasn't prepared for the battles, the tears, the "Do I have too?" Having to tell her the whole page of math problems were wrong and she would have to do them again. Correcting spelling, and asking her to write them out and the *sigh* that followed, and the scribbled attempts of corrections.
No one told me how I would question myself. Am I doing the right thing? Is she keeping up with grade 2 work? Why isn't she getting this math? What am I doing wrong? How can I explain it so she understands?
And the socializing. *Big SIGH* That is the 1st thing mainstream people mention. "It's a nice idea, its just that socializing is important too, right?" Or "Well, how do make sure she is getting socialized?" And, "Does she have friends her own age?" Some people are open discussion and listen what I have to say. Some people even nodd thier heads in agreement that yes homeschooling is good, and socializing isn't such a big concern, as they once thought. A few people, a very few people, shake their heads at me. "There are things you can't teach her. She needs to learn to socialize without you. She needs to learn without you always there." These people turn away from my attempt to explain. (this goes into a whole other topic of ignorant people - but I will save that for another post)
Despite people's concerns, and my own questioning, and the battles, I see it happening. She is growing and learning. We have had our struggles. Just before Christmas she made a very poor error in a social situation. This made me question myself huge. But with the help of my 'village' we picked up the pieces and moved forward. She made amends, and learned some important lessons.
Along with this, math has me questioning over and over if I can do this. I have fought the fear of not BEING able to do this. I have worried that I will fail her. She she won't get pass this...that I'm doing it wrong...if I could just figure out how to explain it to her....but through it all I've kept plugging away. Adding and subtracting numbers, talking it out with her, hours and hours of math. What else would I do? Admit defeat? Send her back to school?
But I - we must be doing something right. Her and I. Last week, just last week, she said math was fun. "This is easy," she laughed. Her math work was done quickly every day. Suddenly she gets it. So this is where I'm inspired.
It has taken 7 months of plugging away. She has struggled, fought, even hated math. But kept at it. And she 'gets' it.
Sometimes the struggle is long. Hard. Sometimes we hate it. Sometimes we fight it. But in the end, if what we are fighting for is good, it is worth the struggle.
Get ready for pics. I luv to take pics of my sweet babies. I would really like to get in to photography, so taking lots is practice.
1. Nothing sweeter (or more peaceful) then a sleeping baby.
2. a bit blurry, and could have pulled him in more.
3. They were running and holding hands!! How cute is that. Action.
4. I hope they are the best of friends some day.
5. My sweet Angelina. My helper, my oldest, caring and thoughtful . I told her about the devastation in Japan, and that Mommy and Daddy were going to donate some money to help people who were hurt, and had no homes. "Can I too Mommy?" she asked.
6. My laughing Grace. She gets this craziness about her sometimes, and starts laughing at the silliest thing, and then can't stop. This is what happened here :)
7. Bryan reading a book. I luv the intent on his face. He has just gotten into books, and I luv to watch the world open up for him.
8. My baby, Klara May. Never wants to be left behind, and always watching the 3 older ones and learning. Soaking it all in...
I am always trying to be happy in my blog. I go back and read through it, and I see that. Even when times have been really tough, I wait till a happy time to blog, or write in code so only people who know me would know what the heck I'm talking about. And even when I write a blog that is questionable, I try to end it on a happy note.
Today I'm waiting. I hate waiting. It drives me crazy. I'm anxious, eat to much, pace, snap, and am generally moody. I've put a great deal of money into someone else's hands, told them what I want, asked them to do the research, and let it go. Well, not really let it go. As the day has gone on, not knowing whats going on, is driving me crazy!!
I'm not feeling 100% either. Baby is sick, and been up during the night the past 2 nights. My sinuses have started to bug me. I tried napping and it's not helping. 3 years ago I was really sick with a sinus infection for months. My family doctor didn't know what to do. I worry that I'm headed down the same path as yuck.
I'm trying to paint the playroom. But with the sinus infection looming, feeling congested, the energy dwindles. I don't do much and I'm exhausted. Keeping up with 4 kids, laundry, meals, school work, and a 3 year old boys activity level seems endless. Everyday I do a little bit. Move the furniture, tape the room off, take off blinds and outlet covers...it all seems endless!! Each day I do a bit more....
Well here I go, ending in a happy note. As I type the phone ding dongs, indicating a message. It all came through. I've bought a 'new' to me camera! Canon Rebel, XS 10 megapixel. Today is Friday and I hope to pic it up on Sunday. So so excited!! So in posts to follow, watch the quality of pics improve!!
The overwhelmed feeling has dissolved. Its the waiting. I hate waiting and what it does to me. But it paid off. Usually does. *Happy Note*
Enjoying the simple things is what makes life worth living. Whether you're a stay at home mom, a teacher, a saw sharpener, a business person, or the owner of a major corporation, we all have to stop sometimes. Feel the sun on our face, watch the dog make room for the cat at the water dish, listen to the children sharing, sit at the stop light and watch as a passerby helps an elderly lady to the curb and just live in that moment and feel. Feel the emotion that takes over.
So, as the week goes on, I'm going to do just that. Take it as it comes, and feel. Enjoy the simple stuff.
One of my favorites is waking up beside my sweet baby. I feel her first, stretching, and then I hear her grunt. First I dread the whimper, wait, hear it and roll over to her. She roots, finds and latches on. Never opening an eye. She guzzles, gulping, and sighing all the same time. A few minutes of that, and her gulping slows down. Soothed back to slumber. Its then that I unlatch her, and shift over just a bit. She can still feel me, but I can move a bit and pull my legs up so my back isn't shifted at an odd angle and hurting. Then I gaze at her. It never gets boring. She's amazing. Beautiful. Perfect. Her dark lashes resting against her cheeks. Her round full cheeks resting against the flannel sheets. Her hands reaching, touching my skin. Her tiny lips still in a pucker. Her downy, sandy baby hair laying fat against her forehead. Sometimes her lips move up and down like she is still nursing. So sweet. This is my daughter. I was blessed to grow and carry her inside me. Birth her when the time was right, and nurture her now. The emotion, the raw love I feel, overwhelms me. Right then in that moment, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
She's my 4th, and each of them has done that to me over and over again. It never gets boring.
Bryan was rangy. It had rained all day, and besides a trip to the library, he had no where to vent that energy. It was still raining at 5:00pm, but I was desperate. He got his splash pants on, and rubber boots, and yellow rain coat, and mitts and hat. I bundled up the baby, slipped her in the sling, tethered the dog and out we went. Me in my red rubber boots.....
"Come on Mommy, lets find a deep one," he said in his 'I'm trying to be a man' voice.
"OK," I agreed skeptically.
Slosh slosh slosh, went the water around our boots.
"Oh Mommy, thats really deep, isn't it?" he asked. Again in that voice. He turned his face up to me, smiling.
A smile crept over my face.
"Yes, " I agreed.
"Lets find another one!" he exclaimed, running ahead.
I ran to catch up. He stopped half way through.
"Jump!" I called to him, showing how. He laughed and jumped. He stopped.
"Oooh, my feet..."he sounded a bit annoyed. His boots were short, I could see where this was going.
"Your feet wet, Buddy?" I asked, dreading the "Lets go home," I expected to follow.
Instead he just nodded, thinking.
"You're OK, right Buddy? We can get new socks when we get home," I offered, in as cheerful voice as I could.
He nodded. "Yeah, its OK," he agreed, and suddenly remembered the fun, running ahead for the next one.
It was a fun walk. Splashing in puddles with my boy, laughing, and running to the next one. Every now and then he stopped to say, "Ah, my feet are stinky," and then continued on. We stopped at a drive way with a car running I explained about running cars, and stopping to wait for mommy. He said things like "Yeah, OK, Uh uh," as I explained to him. He reached for my hand and held it while we crossed the street, "Because of the cars." He laughed and played the whole way. He was happy.
It was good. To just be with him. Laugh with him. Watch him. Reconnect with him. I needed it. He needed it.
So I love food. Really love food. Overweight love food. 2 years ago I joined weight watchers, and got down to 156lb. Then Klara came along and I put it all back on. All of it. Every single pound I had lost. AND 25lb baby weight.
So I joined again. I know its hard. 1lb a week does not seem like much. But it adds up. I know it does. I did it. I can do it again.
I'd like to loose 15lb by Klara's birthday.
But the reason I got this way to begin with is still there. Food. I'm so good some days. I count the points and eat well. I eat healthy and feel good. And then its one cookie. The next day 3 cookies. Then my weights not dropping and I start to get discouraged. Then it doesn't seem worth it. I made a great supper, and want 2nds and 3rds, and dessert. Cookies, chocolate, pie....and then the scale is up, and I'm disappointed in myself. So I pick myself, and start again. Its a cycle. Going round and round. But through it all I do loose. I just wish I could break it, and just stay steady and loose a lit bit every week, and get there in the end. But the emotions are all tied in there.
But I start fresh after a gain, and loose again. That is were I was on Wednesday. I had gained and was upset. Got into these chocolate things Goran brought home. They were yummy, but I know didn't help. He took them out of the house this morning when he went to work. Thank you Hunny :)
This morning I went through all my 'skinny' summer clothes. I thought about 2 summers ago when I wore them, and felt great!! I bought 2 nice skirts the other day. Both a bit 'small'. With the idea I can wear them with ease by Klara's birthday, and through the summer.
Below are the 2 skirts and a shirt I wore 2 summers ago. I'm posting there here, and when Klara's birthday comes, will have my picture taken in them and post the pics.
And to get there, the point I can wear them with ease, I will walk ever day its not raining and we are home, I will count my points and only eat what I should, and do sit ups every day. I can do that. I hope I can get to 150lb by my birthday. I will reassess at Klara's birthday.