Monday, June 22, 2009

A Moment in Time

Do you have one of those moments? One you wish you could stay in and hang onto for just a little longer. One where no one is talking, eye contact is made, all those happy wonderful feelings are felt, and there is contentment?
I had one of those the end of a long day, full of craziness, anxiety, and waiting. All those feelings were satisfied and put to rest before the moment. A moment I want to share, and put into writing, so I will never forget. Because, as people, sometimes to forget the best of life.

I was laying down with Bryan to help him to sleep. I do that. I lay with him until he falls asleep. Mostly it feels like a chore. One more thing I have to do when I could be sweeping, or dishes, or checking facebook:). But I do it. Because I luv him and I believe its what he needs. I believe it gives him a sense of security and peace. And, because he won't stay in bed until he's asleep. Sometimes it takes a few minute. Sometimes, like last night, it took 40 minutes. (Grrr) Anyways, tonight I was laying with him. I was going over things in my head. The day, and how things had turned out. He was beside me, tossing and turning, talking to himself and playing with the blankets. Settling down I suppose. He was grabbing at my hand, and bonking me in the head with his head. Ouch. It wasn't dark yet and I could see the expression on his face. He was smiling, and there was a twinkle in his eye.

'This is going to be one of those forever nights' I told myself. I rolled over, frustrated and ignored him. Sometimes that works. He continued to talk to himself for a few minutes, but I lay still, hoping. I watched the clock. It was 9:11pm.

'OK, by 9:15,' I think to myself, 'he should be out like a light.' I watched the numbers tick past. He became quiet behind me so I knew slumber was taking over.

9:14 I rolled over to look at him. My moment. He was laying on his back, with the blanket pulled up to his belly, and his head nestled ageist the pillow. The way the pillow lifted his head it nestled his chin ageist his chest. One arm lay across his chest, the other stretched out above his head. As I rolled over I roused him enough for him to lift his heavy eye lids just enough to look at me and see that it was me who had roused him.

I wanted to say something to him. He looked like a little angel. As he saw me, this wonderful, happy, content smile spread across his whole face. His lips curved upwards, his eyes lifted. I mean it when I say his whole face smiled. He reached out his hands for me at the same time and I couldn't resist but to lean over and let him gather me to him and hold my face next to his.

As our heads rested together for the briefest of moments I heard him mumble "Mama," and felt his body relax and his arms let go. I pulled away so I could see his face. I reached my hand out to his face, caressed his cheek once, and tucked the blankets around him. As I did so, he rolled half onto one side, and I saw that smile again. Even in his his sleep he was content, happy, and peaceful. I wanted to stay. I wanted to hold onto that baby/toddler who is growing up to fast before my eyes. But there was no need. I had given him the security he needed, and now he was OK to sleep.

As I left his room on tip toes, I was glad for my 'chore' tonight. I was glad Goran wasn't home to do it, and that I had too. It becomes mundane at times. But, then there are these moments, every now and then that make me happy I do it. I did things different with the girls and feel sorry about that at times, but live and learn, right? Now is the time to learn from it, don't sweet the small stuff so much, and enjoy the years they are young. Because its true, they really do grow up to fast, and you miss it when its done.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Pics, Hats, Rainbows, Front Step, Undies, and some Potty Pics

Grace in her rainbow shirt, and Snug As A Bug hat
(the shirt came from Australia)

Angelina in her shirt, and hat

Another pic of Grace in her cute shirt

Bryan in his shirt and hat

The new front step from a distance....

.....close up

And the undie pics....I'm sure he'll be mad at me one day for this :)

Look at the belly...and the trucks

Sitting, learning

"Did I do anything?" The early days of potty training

My promised pics. 1,2,3, beautiful babies of mine! Yes I take pride in them. And I thank God for each and everyone daily!

Monday, June 15, 2009

So Many Exciting Things!!

There are so many exciting things happening for my children right now (they are exciting for me too). Really this just means our house is buzzing with new and exciting things!

  1. Bryan is dry at night time! Not only that, but he has been completely dry for the last 3 days in row! I am shocked. He had a terrible day last Friday. Peeing every time I turned around. I was just about ready to put him diapers. Honest. But Saturday came, and dryness came with it. I talk to him about it. Sometimes I remind him to save the pee pee for the potty, or sometimes I ask him and he says yes and then I take him. Sometimes I say "2 more minutes Bryan and it will be time to go potty," and then in 2 minutes its not a fight or argument, and when I put him on, he goes. Its been nice. Its good to have that level of communication and understanding between us. Even if I'm the one doing all the talking :)
  2. Grace has a mild mosquito allergy. She swells up (like a golf ball size swell)and itches like crazy. Usually by the next day. Its not every bite she gets, just certain ones. I have pics of her last year. Poor thing. I am watching carefully, and I will talk to the Dr. when I see him in July.
    In the mean time I am giving her Benadryl when she reacts, and I am going to do some research about what I can put on her (natural) to keep those pesky bugs away.
  3. Angelina had her first field trip. It was the year end school trip, and they took them to 'Kidtastic'(an indoor playground). She didn't say to much about it other then that it was fun. Oh, and on the bus on the way there Chris's mom killed a fly. LOL So school is winding down and she is looking forward to grade 1 next year!
  4. We have a new front step. Goran worked hard for the last week to build a good sturdy frame, and placed some patio stones inside them. Its looks fantastic. He even finished it off with a flower bed to the side, and a brand new bush in it! We have called and arranged for a new driveway, and are waiting for that, so we can say the front of the house is finished. One day at a time....
As for pics, I have struggled with this computer (grrrr) trying to figure it out for the last 1/2 hour...and have hence decided to wait for tomorrow when my husband can help me out. I have pics our Bryan in his fancy undies, pics of the front step, and some pics of the kids in their rainbows and fancy hats from snug as a bug. But until tomorrow...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Where Is My Baby?

It is early but I could see the morning light through my eyelids. It's quiet, not a sound through the house. I lay quiet, my eyes still closed. I can feel my husband behind me. His body is stretched against mine. I reach in front of me for the baby. Nothing. Uh? Suddenly my mind starts to scramble. My eyes fly open, and I push the big beige flower comforter away. I feel for him in the blankets. Not there! Ahhh! My mind is in full panic mood now. Where is he? I flip over and look beside my husband. I am searching with my eyes, and feeling with my hands at the same time. A leg, an arm, anything. I reach down and am feeling below the knees.....wait.....did he come in last night? My fumbling in the blankets stop and I freeze as I am, trying to remember. I don't remember him coming in last night. He usually stands by the bed and cries till I pick him up. That didn't happen last night. I sit up and then fall back on the pillow. He slept through the night. I smile. He slept through the night. The smile slides off my face. Is he OK? mind is wondering to undesirable things. No, I tell myself, he just slept through the night. No big deal, they all do that eventually.

I check the time. 5:45am. I can sleep some more. I close my eyes, ready to sleep. My mind instantly wonders if the little one really is OK. I lay there for a few minutes, wondering, worrying... FORGET IT! I'm checking.

There he is, horizontal in his double bed. Belly down, face turned to one side. Completely uncovered. I lean over him and place my hand on his back. I feel his back move up and down, up and down, as he breaths. He's OK. I cover him up.

Now, I can go back to sleep :)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Potty Update for Bryan

I am pleasantly surprised! He is doing really well. He understands holding it, and as long as I tell him, "We are almost there, save the pee pee for the potty," or something similar, he will almost always hold it. He has had a few poop accidents in the last week, but tonight he pooped and then cried and walked around with his legs apart because he didn't like the way it felt. He is often waking up dry! The last 3 morning in a row, and several mornings last week. One night I thought we would try undies. Well he came to bed some time during the night (as he usually does) and I remember waking up feeling wet and yucky. Gross. I was covered in baby pee, and because of that, I was cold. I have been too afraid to try that again. If he wakes up dry for a week straight, I might try again. It seems to be that period of time between 10:00am and lunch that he has a pee accident. Almost every day. Maybe I'm not catching it...or he's avoiding me...I'm not sure. He has done so well in the last 2 weeks, I know he'll figure this out. So now that he can hold it, and wait for me to put him on, I am talking to him, and trying to get him to communicate his need to pee to me. Things like, "Do you need to pee?(if he nods) Oh, you do? Tell mommy, 'Pee pee mommy, pee pee,' Okay, lets go!" I'm not to worried. By this time next year he will have it all figured out, and be able to do it himself!

Now I'm just happy to be almost done diaper for awhile. Until we(I) decide its time for number 4...LOL! But not yet. I just want to enjoy this no diapers for now.

I just have to download my pics of the little man in his undies and I will post some. But right now I have to go change a wet underwear...go figure...LOL..

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Oh Kids!

Whether she understood how guilty and sorry we felt for her, or was responding to the extra attention we were giving her, or she was reacting to the situation itself yesterday, Grace was extra pickley today. She started the day out slapping, screaming, etc. After a brief 'calming down time' (sounds better then time out) in her room, her mood seem to shift and she was OK again. I did speak with her this morning about it. I reminded her of her tools, telling her friends to "STOP IT", or walking away. She nodded and seemed to understand that. She has got to practice that a bit today, and I heard a few time yells of "STOP IT!" (Bryan chimes in after, "Stop it!")

I just worry. I couldn't sleep last night and was awake when Goran came home. I spilled my beans and told him the story. "Aw, poor Grace," he said. I remember being teased and taunted as a child, and he did too. (Here I thought I was the only one.) I don't want Grace to look back and remember it as a painful experience, but something mommy taught her how to deal with. My mom and sisters taught me the "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me," rhyme. That didn't help me, it only egged on my teasers more.

But then I wonder if I'm making way more of this then I should. Maybe, at 3, she didn't really understand it all, and could have cared less. Maybe she won't remember, (likely not at her age) and it will be forgotten and never thought of again. Or maybe it is just one of many childhood incidents that will scar her, and leave her hurting and fearful to trust people....One of those things that will always be there...

The trauma I felt yesterday is over. But the fear is present in my heart. On the bright side, she is playing and laughing and happy today. I must be doing something right.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I witnessed one of the things I fear for my children. How do I stop it? How do I give them the tools to stand up and say "Stop it!"? My heart bled for poor Grace today.

It was the end of the day. We had walked to the park with some daycare friends and were walking them home. We met a few neighborhood children, and the mom of the children I had, on the way. The mom and I were chatting and the children were running up and down the sidewalk playing. As we were talking I could here chatting coming from the children. They were 2-3 houses down the street. I had to stop talking to hear them. "Gracie is a baby, Gracie is a baby..."My heart sunk. Gracie was standing there trying to hide behind a tree, 3 other children standing in front of her (Angelina was amongst them) chanting these nasty works at my Gracie. Gracie who is stuck in the middle. Gracie, who doesn't know if she is a big girl or a baby, but is trying so hard to find her place. Another mother heard and came flying out of a nearby house to put a stop to it, and I raised my voice in Gracie's defense. The situation diffused quickly. Within a few minutes Gracie came to me and climbed into Bryan's abandoned stroller. I tried to speak to Grace about it but she wouldn't look at me. I stopped her and said "Grace, look at mommy." She obliged. "Are you Ok Grace?" I asked her. "Mommy, I like your pretty hair," she said...trying to change the subject like she has a tendency to do when something is bothering her. She was looking me straight in the eyes, and I could see her hurt there. I couldn't get a clear answer out of her, and gave up. Then, to add to it all, (and this really bothers me) the mom I had been talking to goes as far as to defend the children picking on Grace! How dare you! If it had been your daughter they were picking on it would have been a different story!

So about a week ago I posted a blog about my fears for my children, and steps forward I am taking to try to get past it. But this is just another example. I don't want my children, any of them, ridiculed or picked on. I want them to have the tools to stand up for themselves and others when need be. But how do I do that? I teach them the words to use so often, "Stop it!' "I don't like it"(remembering that they are still small), but for some reason Grace stood there, seemingly defenseless.

Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart, and my fear for my childrens physical and emotional safety continues to be a great a concern.

"Gracie, I'm sorry I could not stop your hurt today. Mommy is sorry I haven't given you the tools to stand up for yourself. I hope and pray I can change this, and together we can grow and learn, and prepare you for whatever tomorrow brings. I luv you Sweetheart."