Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The Magic of Christmas

My heart overflows with joy, and gratitude, and luv that is in and around this home.

The story we cling to and luv this Christmas morn. acted out time and time again..

I think of Mary, Christmas eve, so many years ago rubbing her belly, and waiting, and finally knowing the time was at hand she would meet her son. I rub my belly and think about how mommas who carry their babies in their bellies are connected.

Happy children, working so hard on homemade presents so eager to please, to give, and share the joy in their heart.

 Cooking and baking and packing good things to give away...

Friends with homemade goodies, hand written cards, hugs, and continue outpouring of luv. 

I will never forget the first `Baby P` on the card.

Something old made beautiful again.

My heart is overflowing.

Breakfast - Look at that belly way back there in the mirror!!

The gifting is gifted, the children have found a peaceful place to be and play and explore new treasures. New clothes tried on; hats, mitts, sweaters and undies. Things put together, and in its new rightful spot.

Peacefulness settles in.

My heart is filled with thankfulness as I sat down at my computer this morning to look out my front window and see new unwrapped toys on the van. I rushed out, bringing them in, calling to Goran as the children came running and we set them on the couch and looked. We seemed to be a bit stunned. We just looked. The question on who crossed our lips and was passed back and forth between Goran and I over and over.

Goran smiled saying how kind and thoughtful and seemed to be at peace about never knowing who. The children decided together who would enjoy what the most, (even a gift for baby 5) and I smiled and helped unpack and untie. Happy tears pooled in my eyes at the kindness bestowed us.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this, and know the gratitude in my heart at the kindness shown my family today.

The magic of Christmas is in out hearts. What we make of the time together, for family, friends, and strangers. I am thankful to teach my children these things, and for the community all around me, and how each of those people help to teach my family too.

``But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.`` NIV 1984 Luke 2:19

Again, I feel so connected to this woman that I have never met. It feels like I do the same in treasuring these moments in my heart. I have stop and watch Klara play peak-a-boo with Baka, and watch as Grace makes a picture with her art set. Angelina brings her new scrap book to be, and I notice how she is beaming with pride. I smile and watch Bryan organize his new toy tool set.

Blessings to you on this Christmas day!

Monday, December 17, 2012

My Heart Hurts for Newtown

The last few days have been bewildering for me. I was glued to the news on Friday as new reports kept coming in. I was confuse and overwhelmed. I had to, at one point, turn it off and walk away. I had to look into the faces around me, and connect. Interact, hug, hold, listen, remind myself where I was.

I cried. My heart swelled with my pain. I shook my head, and didn't know which way to look. I can't say I imagined the pain those parents are experiencing, because I don't want to feel that pain. I didn't put myself in there place, but I hurt thinking of those beautiful children, bounding into school that day, smiles on their faces, and their lives being torn away in second. As bedtime came and I tucked my wee ones in, I thought of the empty beds, of the parents who's lives are filled with this gaping hole, who were maybe looking at those empty  beds, begging every fiber in there body that this was a big bad terrible mistake and their child would come in the front door any minute.....

I have prayed. I have prayed that the families would hold each other in their pain. Weep together, clutch each other, and feel all the things they need to as they move through this. I have prayed that they know, they are not alone. Millions of people across the nation weep, and want to help.

As one day has turned into another I remain bewildered. It doesn't pass or lift, it entangles me. Wrapping around me as different stories come to light. Teachers hiding children in closets, tiny children 'playing' dead, a teaching whispering "I love you" to her students as they hide in a bathroom. She did this in fear that this was their last moments of life and she wanted them to know they were loved. Children crawling across the floor to hide in another room, and teachers throwing themselves in the way of a rain of bullets to protect their students.

 I read threw the news over and over. I think I keep going back to look for answers. That some magic answer will come up so we never have to worry about this again.

It doesn't.

So tonight I sit by my fire, computer on my lap, trying to put my thoughts down, being bewildered, but grateful for all I have.

Newtown, I weep and my heart bleeds.

The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;
the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions,
affecting many, many people.
--De Frain, 1991

You are not alone. 

Paka - 67

We held our breaths and waited 2 Sundays ago. My dad, underwent surgery. Underwent a surgery his brother, didn't wake up from last year. Dad was sick and clearly needed help, and the doctor reassured him and my mom he would wake in a few hours.

Yes, we waited with phones in hands, text's flying threw the atmosphere between sisters and Mom, waiting, asking, and waiting some more.

Finally the text came through, "Dad's out of surgery and in recovery. All went well."


Oh I wanted to gather up my things, and a few kids and head over there so bad. I almost did a few times, thinking of his face and how badly I wanted to see him. But sickness plagued out house badly. Angelina could hardly get out of bed, and my head was full of cold.

Friday dawned bringing health and smiles, and cooking and simmering, for a good meal to bring.

O it was good. To see him up and smiling, and chatting, and see the emotions in his eyes. It was there, a tiny bit of pain, but the goodness and gratitude, and the Dad I know shone threw those eyes. He spoke endearing words to my wee ones, explaining, listening, and encouraging.


And the end of the evening I hugged my dad. Gratitude flowing over in heart to feel his arms, and know the peace of having him home.

Friday, December 7, 2012

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Inspired by SouleMama.

Thougths and Feelings

The deeper posts are when you put your thoughts and feelings down. Its a bit scary. But feels good sometime to let it go. For people, to know and to understand, where you are today,

Where I am today:

Praying - with my wee ones for my dad (aka Paka to them) who's had some gallbladder problems is and now in the hospital, waiting for antibiotics to work or for surgery. Praying for a speedy and complete recovery. Waiting is hard.

Rejoicing - with a friend who's dreams of owning a home and all the things that will follow for her there, are finally falling into place. Owning a home is so exciting. A bit apprehensive of all the things that are to follow, but luving and supporting her, and praying that her family will be whole and healthy as they move forward.

Settling - into the season. Feeling a sense of peace as Christmas sweeps onto us, and the children dream and plan, and we settle into indoor playtime and routines. 

Settling - into my home. Yes, I've said that many times. As new things are done, and old things are fixed and this becomes more and more the home I dreamed it would be the 1st time I saw it, I feel more and more like this it a home I can raise my family in (and then I look at country homes on Realtor.ca...).

Luving - our new wood stove that has suddenly become the center of  our home. A room where we gather day and night, play on the floor, eat at the table and hang out together.

Living - with exciting anticipation of the babe that grows and grows inside of me. I luv all of this! Sharing with the children how the baby changes week by week, and letting the family place hands on tummy and feel this baby kicking and turning. I luv how my body is growing and changing to make room for him/her, and also preparing for when this one is earth side so I can provide soley all s/he needs. I'm so very excited planning and preparing for the birth of this baby as well. As we come up to 31 weeks, it not long before I will begin gathering supplies and tucking them away. Baby's drawers are full of neutral colored clothes, and the diapers just need a spin in the wash, and they are ready :)

Preparing - for a quick family room wall removal and master bedroom painting! 2 plans finally on the horizon after long awaited 2 years.

Its all a balance, preparing and waiting, resting and working, and sometime watching and trusting. We are in a good place now. Working together, once step at a time. The family is growing and maturing.

In all of that there is this sense of waiting. Waiting for babe and the new family it will bring. We all know it, from the biggest to the smallest. So as much as I luv where we are, and I cherish this time of growth and change, I so look forward to cold snowy days of February snuggled with babe on the couch as children play before the fire, settled. Settled in the family, and content, and peaceful

Thought and feelings. Life is good.


Monday, December 3, 2012

Bryan's Five!

5 years ago I help my 1st boy in my arms. My 3rd child had entered the world, peacefully in our home, and was resting in my arms, likely by this time nursing beside his sister :) Brings a smile to my face to remember that night.

In honor of Bryan his sister and I have each made a poem about him.

B - boy, my first boy! Finally a son for Momma
R - rambunctious. One word in a nutshell.
Y - yes! Bryan is quick to say yes when I need his help stacking wood, getting garbage cans, or shoveling      snow.
A - awesome. Because he just is!!
N -noisy. Honestly he makes as much noise as all 3 of my girls!

By Momma

B - boy, he's a boy
R - run, he likes to run
Y - yellow, he likes to wear yellow shirts
A - angels,  when I look at him it makes me think of angels
N - nice, he's nice.

By Grace

B - Name is Bryan
R - likes to wear Red
Y - like to eat Yellow Honey
A - awesome
N - noisy

By Angleina


Monday, November 26, 2012

A Birthday Wish - Angelina

On your birthday
Stretch for a sunbeam...
Reach for a star...
Go for a beautiful dream...

Pick out some wishes,
no matter how far,
or how hard to reach
they may seem...

Cherish hopes dear to your heart...
And as a new year comes in view,
I will add my wishes to yours
that this year they will come true. 

Monday, November 12, 2012



We've talked all week with the kids. Explained, read stories, and talked some more.

Today we followed the crowds to this place. 

We watched and listened.

We made a big deal about getting poppies and wearing them. Angelina donated her dollar so we could all have one.

As they get older, and bigger, it seems so important that they know. That they understand what it was like. All of it. What people did to each other, the feelings of fear, and how it all ended.

Goran sat down with the children and showed them pictures of his grandfathers, explaining how they went to war, one came back, and another didn't. He showed them a medal his grandfather got for bravery.
Afterward we talked about his experience as a child. Things that happened, and how it felt. He spoke most about the tension of the adults. The rest of it seemed to be 'normal' for him, as he didn't know any different.

I pray that my children would never know war. That we are teaching the next generation better.

As we were getting ready for bed, Grace came and stood beside me.

"So we learned about Remembrance Day this week, and we went to that place today. And thats about remembering the solders that fought and died so we could be free, right?"

I couldn't have said it any better.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Tiny Trouble

Its been a busy week full of fun around here. Tears, anxiety, and honestly, I glad its over. Its one of those things you never stop to think about.....

Tuesday was shaping up to be a busy day. Gymnastics, and midwife, and home for a nap....it will all work out well.

We were rushing around, grabbing hats, zipping zippers, oh Duke needs out! Out he goes, quick to the van, buckle up.....barking dog....that's not right???

I ran to the back door,

"Come here Duke!"

"Woof Woof!"

"Grrrrr! Hisssss! Grrrrr!"

"Woof woof woof!"

Hummmmm, somethings not right here.....

I went up the steps in a hurry. Didn't that dog understand I was late?!

AHHHHHH!! A raccoon!

Yelling for Duke to to get away and in the house and a bit of advancing did the job as Duke went running in.

I told that raccoon to go home!!

I let the wee ones have a peek from behind the fence, and then off we went. It was a funny story I shared throughout the day.....

Wednesday was  shaping up to be another busy day. I got up and dressed to work out. Duke was begging to go out and I opened the back door. As I turned around to go in the playroom I heard familiar barking and hissing and growling. 

Investigating lead me to believe the sweet creature thinks under my trailer is a good place to live :( I didn't feel the same way.

I spent the morning trying to call places that were closed. We rushed off to CHIRO and ballet, only to come home and find the raccoon frolicking in my backyard. I was frustrated beyond believe. I live in the city! I shouldn't have wild animal trouble! Oh goodness!! I watched and couldn't believe how at home this fellow seemed. He hissed at me, but otherwise I didn't seem to bother him at all.I noticed his eyes seemed a bit mucousy and behavior weird for sure.

While finally on the phone with SPCA, she was addressing my concerns, discussing weird behavior, when I noticed bleeding on his backside.

My heart sank a bit. That was odd. That is not a good sign.

She promised to sent someone over shortly. 

Tears and tears for Angelina as she so badly wanted this to be our new pet. I tried to explain that I was quiet certian he was sick and needed help we couldn't give him. She cried only that much harder.

An officer did indeed showed up shortly and after a quick check determined the poor little fellow was quit sick, and agree it wasn't worth the risk of having anyone (watching from the window) bitten. 

Then there was concern for the dog, and making such vaccines where up to date. Since Oliver was going in the next day, the agreed to squeeze Duke in too.

So a long trip to the vet with 2 pets, 4 kids, and a tired momma. It was thankfully a clean bill of healthy for both pets and the vet had no concerns about the sick raccoon passing on his illness.

A sigh of relief.

Thankfully its Saturday, everyone is well, and the days been good to us.

Successful Saturday

Its been a successful day! (and its only 3:30!)

I have supper simmering and baking for my family,

cookies baking for the freezer for the whole week,

and wee ones are playing in the quiet of the quiet of the day, enjoying the afternoon lul.

Hubby got new tires on the van today. I clean out closets, and made sure everyone has winter wear. 

I can say, its been a successful day! And its only 3:30!!

Its amazing, how definitions change with age.

Happy Saturday!!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Long Awatied

When we buy a house we talk about all the things we can do to make it our home. Our space. Paint, take down walls, new carpet, build a room, change the kitchen.....this house is slowly becoming ours. It slow, but not really when I think its only been 2 years and we have worked hard.

Recently I had this flurry of  "We have to move!" We went house hunting. Country house hunting. Oh the houses. The beautiful old century homes that needed TONES and TONES of work. I did fall in love with one. It still sitting on the market. A big beautiful house with 3/4 of and acer to raise chickens, and a few goats....but suddenly as the weather shifts, with my sense of balance, the flurry, that urgency is gone. I suppose if we had found the right house back in September at the right price it would have worked. We could have packed and been moved before Christmas, and had just enough time to settle before welcoming Baby Luv into our home. But it didn't happen that way, and I find myself settling in to routine, feeling nesty, and cozying up here at home. Preparing for a quiet winter of school work, Christmas, and adding to our family.

I can hope that the big beautiful house in the country is still sitting there come February...right?

But in the mean time we did something. Something we've talked about likely since we moved in. The back yard was shaded. Nicely shaded when its 35 degrees C outside. But we quickly realized that our garden didn't like all that shade, and the pool didn't warm up well.

So.....Goran got busy a few Sundays ago.

Slowly this house becomes ours. We make small changes, or big changes, and it feel more and more like a place I can stay and raise our family.

It was a mess for a few days, but Goran made quick work of packing it into the trailer and hauling it away. The bigger logs we have left in hopes of putting a wood burning insert in, just in time for sweet babes birth!

The space and air in the backyard!!!  We can see the sky!!!

And we left the biggest tree, as it is off to the side, providing enough shade, but not to much!!

Next is painting the master bedroom!!

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.
Inspired by SouleMama.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween - Making Memories

That's what its about right? Being together, laughing, teasing, maybe some tears, hugs to make it better, and at the end of the night tucking happy, tired ones into bed. The memories - wee ones running through the wet leaves from one door to another. Laughing and calling for mom and dad and baby to keep up. We'll talk about it years from now, that night Daddy had to run Klara home to pee.

We added a few new Halloween things to our list of fun this year.

We went to fright night at a friends school.....

.....the kids had fun making cookies and playing games.

By far my favorite this year was visiting a nursing home all dressed up just to wave and say hi.

The smiles on those faces.....brought tears to this pregnant lady's eyes.

Yes is was a memory I will treasure for years and years to come.

So it comes to an end. The night they have been looking forward to for months. Costumes will get packed away, and candy slowly eaten over the next few weeks. It all seemed a bit of a hassle, and I'm mostly glad its over. But at the same time I'm happy the memories were made, expectations met, and for them the desire for next year grows a bit.

Happy Halloween!!