Saturday, September 24, 2011

Hurting and Healing

I am thankful.

You read that right.

My heart is broken. Into a million pieces. My body hurts. Everywhere. Like after I have had my babies. Only today there is no tiny newborn for me to hold. There is no tiny toes to count touching each one as I go, and no sweat smell of my new born to breath in. And I need to feel this, I need to hurt, but in the mist of the worse of all of this, there is goodness.

My arms are not empty. Many times over the last few day my toddler has founds me, asking for up, for cuddles, for milk. At bed time last night, I hugged each one, feeling tiny arms wrap around me, and breathing in freshly bathed hair, feeling tiny chest rise and fall in these hugs. Hugs I hold onto for a bit to long, and they begin to squirm against me.

My family came in the middle of the crisis, words and hugs, caring for the children. Goran's support was immense the night all this began in earnest. Driving, talking, holding, luving. Encouraging me that we will get through this. And the words I needed to hear so badly, "When you are healed, when you are ready, we will try again." He knows me. This is why he is mine.

Friends came and filled my house with luv. I will always remember, hugs, talking and laughing, cooking, and laundry.  I did nothing. My counters and fridge were filled with food. The number of children in my house doubled, and it filled my heart with goodness. Toddlers playing, older children helping. My friends thought of my children, bringing  new things for them to try and do. One of the friends packed my kids in her van and took them out for fun. A friend came with her 3 month hold son for me to hold. I held him, and talked to him and he smiled at me. I rocked, and swayed and he drifted off to sleep. I will never forget the feeling of his body in my arms. Flowers were delivered, reminding me that the friends that can't be here, are praying for me, supporting me in every way they can. Phone calls, and email, chatting on facebook, it is a constant reminder I always have someone to call, in an instant.

I have sent them home now. I need Goran and the children here with me. Caring for me, and needing me. Them needing me is helping my heart to heal.

I am trusting this process. I am trusting my body, and my heart, to tell me what I need so I can move forward and start to feel normal. I want to feel normal. I want it to be 3 months from now, and to feel normal. I want to feel whole.

I took the kids out for a walk. I breathed in the fresh fall air, and wondered when the leaves began to fall. I snapped pictures, and pushed the stroller at then same time. The dog got all tangled in my legs. The sun was shining, and it felt good to feel it on my face. The children walked and talked, and Angelina snapped pictures with her camera.

...a boo!

Normal? No. Healing? Slowly.

Monday, September 19, 2011

In An Instant

My heart was fluttering so fast in my chest this morning as I lay on the ultra sound tec table. I held my breath and waited. I felt the wand on my tummy and watched the screen. Panic rose inside me trying to claw its way out. My eyes knew in an instant what my heart as known all weekend. There was no heart beat.

I felt my heart breaking.  

There were words passed back and forth between me and technician. He was very kind and confirmed what I already knew. He told me he was very sorry.

I left the building and hurried to the van through the cold wet rain. I turned the key, the engine started and I  let the wipers go swish, swish, over and over.Goran called and we exchanged words of love and support to each other. He was amazing.

Thank you, each and every one of  you, for all you thoughts, and supports and prayers. This hurts, but I am not alone, and that makes all the difference.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Standing Still

I am waiting. I feel like time is standing still. I feel like I am holding my breath. Monday will be that day that tells all. It will tell me whether this baby is OK, or not. What a frightening thought. In an instant, I will know. I will either see a flicker of a heart beat or not.

Today has been another good day, with not reoccurrences of Friday. I continue to have the symptoms I have had throughout this pregnancy. Nothing has changed that way. I have done more usual things today then yesterday, with some resting and a nap. Some things I'm afraid to do, but necessity and 4 children need me. I hold my breath and more forward through the day, one step at a time.

This is me and Goran's wedding text. I am repeating it over and over in my head. 

Thank you for your words of support, your kindness, encouragement, and love. 

Prayers are my request as today turns into tomorrow.

Saturday, September 17, 2011


I can not begin to explain the comfort and support I have felt from my family and friends over the last 24 hours. The kind words, gestures, prayers, messages, and offers of help. I know I am not alone. I know I have friends to call on if this becomes an emergency. I know I have friends to celebrate with if all turns out well.  I know people have carried me in their thoughts today, and have prayed for me and wee babe. 

Everything has been good today, with no reoccurrences  of yesterday.

Every one deals with pain and fear differently. Me I went back to my roots in the last 24 hours.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

"I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:19 (NIV) 

I have felt peace, and calmness, and reassurance. I have rested in that. I rested in the fact that I am not alone.

I am thankful. For everyone of my friends.

I have reassured the children more then once today, that things look good, and mommy feels well. I explained again, 'We don't know for sure, but it all looks OK today'.

Bryan grasps it in a small way. "I want the baby in your tummy to be a boy."

Angelina helped every way she could today...voluteering to dry the dishes, help with the babies, and carry my purse while we were out.

Grace feels it differently. She snuggles against me. "Put your arm around me and snuggle me Mommy."

I turned back to my roots again, looking for more. Seeking. Here is what I found,

“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” -  John 1:16

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5

“Children too are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward.” – Psalm 127:3

“For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

The proof of  blessing, support is here in front of me again and again. I find comfort in this. Each one of our babies, all 8 have been a blessing, even for the ones that I only carried a brief time. We rejoiced when we found out, and cried together when we lost. Every baby has brought Goran and I closer, and my friends surrounded me with love and support. I am moving forward in this right now.

And in faith today, while out with my 4 little luvs,

"But Mom," says Angelina, "we don't know if the baby is ok.."

"Everything looks good today Honey, we are hoping."

Friday, September 16, 2011


Fear is huge. It has a ripple affect, and the ripples get bigger. It spreads from person to person, and each person gets more and more fearful. As I go through things in my life, I have learned that my family needs me to be stable. They gauge themselves by me. If I am scared, and crying, they are alarmed. When this happens, if I explain myself, if they can understand, they are OK. Sometime this is a 'grown up' thing and they can go about their business, letting us deal with the big things. If I don't explain, say things like, "Don't worry" or "I don't know", then my children are upset and scared. They act out, being super silly, hurting each other, and/or using unkind words.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Everything has been fine. I have had normal symptoms, and saw my midwife on Monday. We booked an apt. for the 3rd of October, my birthday, to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Today was a normal day. I've been tired and had a nap after lunch. I got up, went to the bathroom, and had spotting. I have had 8 pregnancy's. I have had 2 pregnancy's with spotting. I have 2 without spotting. This is how my 3 miscarriages started. I was texting Goran and calling the midwife within minutes.

The kids were up. They saw me frantic. They saw me crying. I stopped and saw their concern. The furrowed eye brows and concern in the voices. "Are you OK Mom?"

I would like to say I gathered them in my arms and told them what was making mommy sad. That I held them and comforted them.

I didn't. I stood their for a moment, I wasn't sure what to say. I struggled to gain some composure, so I could say something. "Mommy is bleeding. I don't know know what this means. The baby might not be OK, or the baby could be OK. It will be a few days before we know for sure." I turned away, tears running, fear gripping me.

Time passed. I don't know how many minutes. 10, 20, 30? Its a blur. My friends, my circle, all offering words of support, comfort, or a visit. I struggle, looking for hope, but not trying to look to hard, just is case. More time passed. The fog began to lift.

I calmly spoke to the children, reminding them we just don't know yet, but we are hoping, and praying. Time will tell, but mommy will be OK. The girls gave me hugs and colored home made cards.

I whipped together hot dogs and grill cheese, and texted a friend for a delivery of ice cream :) I offered a long movie, so kids will sit and rest, and eat ice cream. Friend came, with ice cream, arms of support, and gifts of love.

'they smell so good'

Doctor friend called in response to my text, offering the very best she can for an ultra sound come morning. More words of support. I am ever thankful. My mom founds my message of facebook and we chat. She reminded me God makes life, God has a plan. Trust. I hold on to the words.

It is quiet now. The children are busy with the movie, and I am calm. I don't know the outcome of today. Time will tell. But I trust that there is a plan.

Please pray for us in the next few days as this unfolds, and we move forward.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see
Inspired by  SouleMama


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Running Deep

Emotions run deep for me. Always have. When I was a little I remember being told not to be so emotional. I remember my mom talking to be about the crying. "You're a big girl, you don't need to cry all the time." Rightfully so, I cried about everything. But it just goes to show my emotions are deep. I feel deep. When I feel joy/happiness it is immense, and I have to call someone, post or blog those exciting things. When I feel sadness/pain is it overwhelming. The tears are there, ready to overflow. Sometimes a good cry helps, sometimes it take a few days to work through and try to understand.

Through this journey of life, I hold the people in my circle close. I love them, and share with them. I am so honored to go through life with them, sharing in their joy and excitement, pain, and sadness. That's what it is all about, right? Sharing.

My emotions are jumbled and mixed up. I am full of joy, and excitement of all things in my life! But at the same time my heart it is heavy with hurt. People who I have held in my circle, whom I have trust, shared with, rejoiced with, laughed with, cried with, are pulling away from me in huge ways. They are not sharing with me the things in their life, nor are they sharing with me in my life. The exciting and happy things going on, they are not rejoicing with me. I've tried to break threw over and over again. These relationships are important to me, always have been, but it seems so less to the other people.

I know and understand that this means my circle is changing. My circle of people whom I trust and love and share with. This weighs heavy on my heart, as these things have not been my choice, and it hurts to have have people pulling away and I don't know why.

It comes to more thinking in my mind. I believe that we are all here for a reason. I believe God has given us things to do, and when we follow that path, we are content and happy. We are happy for other people in their paths, and can truly share with them. I also believe the opposite. When you fight the path, or you chose a different one, the road is hard, and you become unhappy and not content. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and you can not happily share with others because you are not happy.

So for you, I wish to find the path intent for you. I wish you happiness and contentment, and the joy of true friendships in which you can share all things in your life and theirs.

Now after I finish that I realize I have some house keeping. I have not blogged. I have been busy mentally and physically as we had our trip, and are now getting back of the swing of things with homeschooling. We had a great trip although my camera battery died. I didn't bring my charger, so I have 3 pics from the butterfly conservatory and that is all. 

OK, wait. That is a lie. We used our crappy cell phone camera's to at least try to capture something! But alas I get home and do not have the cable to download those pics.....As I pointed out to my hubby once we got in the car after the butterfly conservatory, "I will never forget to charge my battery again before we leave for a great trip!" And I'm also going to buy another battery. A back up is a good thing.

So we begin a new school year. Crisp, clean, new pages of the books begging to be learned on. Eager eyes as I open those new books, the 2 girls with tall unused pencils ready to write. The cool September air blows in the window as the pencils go, bringing with  it the sound of children calling to each other as they walk towards the school not far from our house. Angelina mentions how glad she is to be home, and Grace giggles about going to school with that teasing twinkle in eye. 


luv the light here

happy smiles
luv the outfit, luv the luv of books
she climbs the stool 10xs a day to rummage through the draw and put things on the counter. And sometimes do her hair
I am happy here. I am content on the path I am on. Teaching these ones of mine and watching them grow and flourish in leaps and bounds. Making home cooked food for my family, hanging laundry, and trying to make this garden thing work. I am blessed and fortunate. Not because I am home with them. Not because I have the ones I have. Not because I hang laundry, and cook from scratch. I am blessed, and fortunate, and happy and content, because I am on the path I was meant to be on. Because I have embraced it with every ounce of my being, and when you give you get.

out for dinner, celebrating life
goran says, 'there is not enough pics of you on that blog'....

What are you giving and getting these days? Where is your path leading you?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Thankful on Thursday - Its September 1st!

September comes in with a whirl of heat. One most blast of summer. Thankful. I can't believe its September and wonder where the summer has gone. But with September comes the routine of school work, work on the bathroom, and soon the kitchen with skylight and dishwasher.

Today being Thursday I have been thinking all day of my post and things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for things to come. Routine, bright colored leaves, and a trip to Great Wolf Lodge with the family. But I always think its cheating to look forward to whats not here yet. I want to be thankful for the hear and now. Things that happened yesterday and today. I've gotten on the floor to take some pics, stood on beds, and racked my brain to come up with my list. Its not that I'm not thankful, its just hard to remember for what on days like this.

I must admit I finish this hours later then I started. After dinner, kitchen is clean, a good brisk walk and 1/2 the kids are cleaned and tucked in for the night. It feels good to get things done, move my body, and watch the kids play and interact with each other.

So now my list comes easy, and each one, as my brain turns the days memories over, brings a smile to my face.

Thankful for

1. that desire to walk, now has her cruising furniture, and risking the tippy dolly stroller. And the fact the she had to put the baby in it!

2. a great find. Been thinking and looking for the girls bedroom, saw it and knew it was what I had been searching for. $2.99. OOOOOOh yay babe'!

3. a project to finish for the bathroom being refinished over the weekend. A touch of red to bring a pop! Can't wait to see it come together.

4. this thing we still have. I cherish. Over and over again.

i luv the way she signs milk,  looks at me, plays with my necklace, and always finds the one mole on my right arm..
5. quiet moments through a day like this (and new library books that allow the quiet times...)

6. a evening walk. The air fresh, but warm, a breeze blowing, kids laughing and biking and stopping before we cross the road....

I am thankful.