Fear

Fear is huge. It has a ripple affect, and the ripples get bigger. It spreads from person to person, and each person gets more and more fearful. As I go through things in my life, I have learned that my family needs me to be stable. They gauge themselves by me. If I am scared, and crying, they are alarmed. When this happens, if I explain myself, if they can understand, they are OK. Sometime this is a 'grown up' thing and they can go about their business, letting us deal with the big things. If I don't explain, say things like, "Don't worry" or "I don't know", then my children are upset and scared. They act out, being super silly, hurting each other, and/or using unkind words.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Everything has been fine. I have had normal symptoms, and saw my midwife on Monday. We booked an apt. for the 3rd of October, my birthday, to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Today was a normal day. I've been tired and had a nap after lunch. I got up, went to the bathroom, and had spotting. I have had 8 pregnancy's. I have had 2 pregnancy's with spotting. I have 2 without spotting. This is how my 3 miscarriages started. I was texting Goran and calling the midwife within minutes.

The kids were up. They saw me frantic. They saw me crying. I stopped and saw their concern. The furrowed eye brows and concern in the voices. "Are you OK Mom?"

I would like to say I gathered them in my arms and told them what was making mommy sad. That I held them and comforted them.

I didn't. I stood their for a moment, I wasn't sure what to say. I struggled to gain some composure, so I could say something. "Mommy is bleeding. I don't know know what this means. The baby might not be OK, or the baby could be OK. It will be a few days before we know for sure." I turned away, tears running, fear gripping me.

Time passed. I don't know how many minutes. 10, 20, 30? Its a blur. My friends, my circle, all offering words of support, comfort, or a visit. I struggle, looking for hope, but not trying to look to hard, just is case. More time passed. The fog began to lift.

I calmly spoke to the children, reminding them we just don't know yet, but we are hoping, and praying. Time will tell, but mommy will be OK. The girls gave me hugs and colored home made cards.

I whipped together hot dogs and grill cheese, and texted a friend for a delivery of ice cream :) I offered a long movie, so kids will sit and rest, and eat ice cream. Friend came, with ice cream, arms of support, and gifts of love.

'they smell so good'

Doctor friend called in response to my text, offering the very best she can for an ultra sound come morning. More words of support. I am ever thankful. My mom founds my message of facebook and we chat. She reminded me God makes life, God has a plan. Trust. I hold on to the words.

It is quiet now. The children are busy with the movie, and I am calm. I don't know the outcome of today. Time will tell. But I trust that there is a plan.

Please pray for us in the next few days as this unfolds, and we move forward.