Saturday, April 28, 2012


It hurts when you trust people, and they take advantage of that. Its even worse when you try again, and it happens again. I felt panicked, and couldn't sleep. I lay there trying to catch my breath, and watching the sky brighten, wondering how early is too early to work out. Wondering who I can call on for support. I thought about going back to sleep, but decided to get on with it. On with the day. Put all of this fear and anger into something.

I looked for support and got it. I'm not alone. I have help. People I can trust. Many of them offering words, help and advice. All the things I need.

I worked out. Hard. I threw myself into it. Squats, side steps, running, leg lifts, and front kicks. An hour later I was hot, panting, muscles aching and sweat dripping off me. It was subsiding. The anger and fear, flowing out like the tide. But I didn't want to let it back in.

I am bigger then this. I can beat this.I have the tools. I just need to use them

I cleaned, and played with wee ones, and kept my mind busy. My stove is clean, and cobwebs vacuumed up. Sheets fluttering on the line.

The hard things in life stretch us. Make us better people. I hope that is me. I hope through all this I am becoming a better person. More understanding, kind, determined, outspoken, and strong. I want to be strong in my values, determined, but kind and understanding of others.

I breath deep.

Meanwhile I luv the wee ones. Hug them, kiss them, remind them of my luv. I'm not going to let grown up problems in on them. They come 1st. They need me. And I know this time goes by so fast, I'm not letting this ruin it.

The day comes to an end in peace. I am at peace. A last burst of support before night folds in. Time spent on the phone with people who have proven then can be trusted. People who are worth my friendship.


I'm going to bed with a smile. Tucked in the most fresh bedsheets yet this spring, with my 2 weest ones  breathing deep beside me.

Friday, April 27, 2012

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.
Inspired by SouleMama 


Friday, April 20, 2012

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.
Inspired by SouleMama


Thursday, April 19, 2012


The house is slow to wake up. Me too today. I am a bit overwhelmed about the busyness of today, and I admit a bit grumpy.

But instead of taking it out on everyone around me, who only deserves the best of me and not the worst, I snapped a few pics of the house right now, and thought I'd be thankful for right now. For what I have.

 breakfast with the weest ones.

Bob, O, i luv you Bob. Thanx for fighting. I'm not read to let you go

my favorite breakfast. Not healthy, and way fattening, but i still luv it.

2 girls playing instead of tidying. can u spot the one hiding from the camera? and poor Duke is waiting to go outside.

my favorite from yesterday at the dance studio. I luv the mirrors! 

Beiung thankful has brought some calm to my heart.

Its Thursday. Make the most of the day!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This is the Life

Do you ever have those days, when you just think, "This is the life!" Happiness and contentment seem to surround you and there is peace.

That is me now. I have to stop and pinch myself to make sure its real. This is my life.

We sit in the sunshine and enjoy the company of one another.

thank you to a friend quickly becoming very dear to me.
They grow and do new things.

his trumpet like his Paka
 I get to teach them and watch them. 

the garden is slowly going in!


I learn new things about my, and try to new things.

Its not always roses. Sometimes the weeds grow in, and seem to get overgrown. Then there is the pulling and composting, and disposing of the weeds.

But for now, while the roses are blooming, I'm gonna drink them in!

Happy hump day to you!

Friday, April 13, 2012

{this moment}

{this moment}
 A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.
Inspired by SouleMama 


Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Kitchen

I'm finally feeling at home. I'm feeling settled. My home has shift from feeling like someone else's to feeling like mine.

They say the center of the home is the kitchen. It truly is for us. The kids do school work there, and we eat and laugh around the table. Tears have been shed there, and long hard talks around the table have happened there. I spend hours a day baking, cooking, mashing, chopping and mixing. I spend hours guiding small hands who so badly want to help, and then washing those small hands in a sink full of bubbles. I have spend hours washing dishes, cleaning counters, and washing those spattered floors. My baby learned to crawl and walk within my kitchen, and we all cheered her on.  My kitchen is truly the heart of home.

I didn't want a house with work. How many times have I said or wrote that down? I was happy when we found this home, but devastated by the kitchen.

It was dark, outdated, very little work space, and very little amount of cupboard space. The hours I spend in this kitchen use to to feel like I imagine jail to feel like. I felt trapped, and depressed. I couldn't get the counters clean, the brick work was dusty and greasy, and there were spiders EVERYWHERE! I always had my back turned to the kids. I had to stop and put things down to help, turn around to talk to them, and  never got to the fights in time because I couldn't see or hear what was going. It was the center of my home, and the center of my frustration.

Goran promised me before we put an offer in, "I will make it a kitchen you luv."

I hung on to that promise. All the hours I spent in that dark kitchen I hung onto what he said.

The one year mark of the day we moved in was approaching and we began talking about a new kitchen.

I drew a this dream. It was put up on the wall, moved around as we painted, and when the electrician came, but is still sticky tacked to me my wall :) I would lay in bed at night and think about it. I could picture it, the kids seated  around the peninsula, me easily guiding cookie making, and the happiness. The smiles and co-operation.

We began preparing.

Seeking advice, and buying paint. It was slow. Several months. I had made a pack with myself to enjoy this process. When the kitchen was torn apart, and there was gray dust everywhere from removing the plastic brick and mortar, it was hard.

The hardest. But suddenly that part was done, and the rest seemed to much easier. I enjoyed the brighter walls. Even unfinished, it was better then the dark brick walls. After Christmas the cabinets got a few coats of paint. What a difference. They felt new!

The cabinets for the peninsula came and dreaming of the dishwasher began. We went and picked one out, and there were times I would feel delirious with happiness just knowing it was coming. Counters and painting, and adding the finishing touches.

It is complete now. Base boards are in place, and microwave is in.

the mirror in the back...I luv it!

They sit with me now, and mix and pour and help. I like watching and talking. I like being so much more apart of what is going on with them. Hearing what they have to say, answering their questions, and guiding them in talking to each other. They talk SO much. Even when they are busy doing things. Maybe so more so....

I feel settled. At peace. I feel silly writing this.Thinking 'How does this make me feel at peace and settled?' I'm really not sure, other then it does. I'm not waiting for it to be done anymore, it is done.

I don't think the kitchen being done is what makes it feel like home. I think the fact that is is child friendly, and conducive to interaction between all of us is what makes it feel like home. It suites our family. We fit it, and it fits with us.

Goran did make me a kitchen that I luv.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Me and My Weight-loss Journey

As the numbers do not reflect what I wanted to see, I have put this post off. I get frustrated, and angry, and then eat to make myself feel better. Then I begin thinking, that if things are going to be different, I have to do different...what can I do different? I still have goals. I'm still working towards them. But as I'm living life, I realize this is just part of it. Not all of it. I'm not waiting till I see a special number on the scale. I'm raising my children, spending time with my husband, having parties, running every other day, and planting the garden. I'm choosing more and more often the healthy food choices, because honestly, the sugar highs and lows are not all they are cracked up to be.

So an update on goals. I'm running 5km every other day. I'm exercising with my workout videos 2-3 days a week. I've also made a 'do different' decision about food. I've cut out white/processed sugar. Once I get into it, I have such a hard time getting off of it. Its a struggle and I go through withdraw, and just want more and more and more. I'm still following Weight Watchers points, but I've found since I've been cutting out the sugar the desire to eat endless cookies and such is gone.

So an update on my progress. Since January 2nd, I'm down 9.8lb. Almost 10. So close. Its slower then I thought and hoped, but its something. Its almost 10lb. I was 10lb heavier 14 weeks ago.

I realize as I continue on my journey  that if I had been losing the weight I want to loose faster, it wouldn't feel so satisfying to see the numbers I do see today. It feels good to know I am working towards my goals, and I am making this happen. My hard work, eating better, and exercising well, is making this happen. My body is growing stronger, and my desire for the bad food is waning as I eat the good and see the affects it has on me.

This is a journey. My journey. Its not just about weight, I discover.

This is good.

Easter - Together

It was something from a dream. Waking up to the giggles and cries of happy children discovering Easter morning.

A run, breakfast, husband cleaned up the kitchen, and we headed out to the garden for planting. Hammering up the fence, many hands helping, holding, banging, and laughing. Planting was such fun. The kids needed help over the fence (for the bunnies AND the kids) and we dug, and dropped, and covered, and fertilized, and watered. Then we stood back to see out work. It has been a wonderful day of helpfulness, and happiness, and just us. 6 of us, finding out place with each other.

We began a new traditions began this year. Making cards, and buying flowers, and putting them all together for a walk through the neighborhood to wish our favorite neighbors a "Happy Easter". Oh, the kids, they dug this!! 

Don't you wish you were my neighbor?
Easter dinner yesterday with the family. Aunts, and cousins, and Nana and Paka. We laughed and hugged, chatted together. The children died eggs, lined up on the counter together. Coloring, dropping, and maveling over the colors coming out.

Egg hunting in the backyard. The children ran, and laughed. The pointed them out to each other, helping the little ones, and holding hands as they searched the bushes, and swinging set.

It was an Easter I'm tucking away in my heart. As these wee ones grow, I know these holidays will change and be different, and special yes, but different. I want to hang on to these years they are young and savor them. Life each moment to the fullest. Hug and kiss them too much, but so they never forget my luv.

The week was busy, but we fit in some crafting, and a visit with Baka. 

This place we are in is good. This time in our lives I mean. Its all feels good and right.

Happy Easter!