Monday, February 25, 2013

The Last Day

It was an amazing week. The resting, snuggling, snoozing, watching, and enjoying. I enjoyed all of it. Feeling, living, breathing, sleepless nights, and poopy diapers. The exhausted drama of the big ones, the helping hands that never stopped, the patience of my luving husband, and tiny cries during the night of sweet Sam.

We decided on a movie/pizza night for the last day. Ordered pizza, ordered movie, some extra chocolate, and all of us while tucked around the TV.

all 5 of my kids and hubby

Goran said, "This is the best vacation I've ever had," as we cleaned up the playroom, "No rushing, no hurrying, just us here being together."

"And we had a baby!" I smiled.

He smiled and agreed.

Our party was a celebration. The 1st week being the success I had dreamed for months, for the gift of our baby Sam, and for where our family is now with 5. Oh we had a moments during the movie, but mostly we snuggled more, watched, ate, and enjoyed. 

Luved this time with just us! 

Friday, February 22, 2013

{these moments}

{these moments} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

10lb 3oz today

Welcoming Sam

Sam joined us Sunday night at 10:59 pm. Not the all the ways I had planned, or dreamed, or fantasied about. But, it was perfect. I've learned, that you can plan. All of it. Every detail. But in the end, you need to follow your heart, momma instinct, and that that is the best. The out come of listening and trusting your body will almost always work out. 

I had planned a peaceful, quiet home birth. Really just me and Goran, and midwives if need be. I dreamed of Goran catching this baby, lifting him to my chest, candle light, and the warm glow of the fire. We had that, for about an hour. Working through contractions, Goran helping how I needed, leaving me to it if I needed, the warm fire, and candle light. This was perfect.

But something shifted. Contractions intensified, in away I couldn't cope anymore. I was in the shower then, trying to cope, knowing transition is hard, knowing this was all coming fast. I gave a push and my water broke. I was almost there. I was shocked I was so close so fast, grateful, but something wasn't working right. I pushed, I changed positions and tried again. He wasn't moving. I tried again. And again. The intensity of contractions building, trying to help me, but making it harder and harder to cope. I was loosing control fast. 

I moved again, tried pushing again, he still wasn't shifting. I was begging baby to come.

"I luv you Baby, I want to see you, hold you. Please come baby!" I begged during contractions.

Finally I looked at Goran.

"Please!" I begged him, leaned over in the tub, the shower belting on my body, hair dripping wet, "Please, We have to go in. He's not moving down, and I don't know why."

We talked about it a bit. Goran was afraid I'd be upset tomorrow if we went to the hospital. I assured him that was not case.

We agreed to try the midwives 1st, maybe they could help. We called. I spoke to a very nice midwife, but one I had never met before. I explained to her what was wrong, and told her we were going to the hospital. I decided I wasn't waiting for someone I didn't know, when I wasn't sure she could help me. She agreed to meet us there.

Neighbors came, Nana was called, we explained to the girls what was happening, and off we went.

It gets hazy at the hospital. I was begging for relief. They assessed I was complete, and told me to push. I told them I couldn't. Baby wasn't moving down. One nurse who assessed, 'checked' again. She determined that baby was brow presentation. I believe the same time she assessed me she pushed his head back a bit. Not much but enough that I was screaming at her to stop. I told her not to touch me. I know I wasn't very co-operative with anyone there, but once she had done that, my body was working hard again. Although I was out of my element, and uncomfortable, my body was working hard again, and I could feel suddenly things had shifted in my favor.

I felt that old familiar urge to push! I was so thankful, knowing soon I would be holding my baby. I began pushing and the nurses were telling me to stop.

Really? I wanted to laugh.

I was laying on my side and baby needed room. I was trying to lift my leg and no one was helping.

"Lift my leg, please someone!" I yelled, as I pushed with all the energy I had.

I felt Gorans hand grab hold and lift. I could feel baby moving down with the contraction. I felt my body stretching. I pushed knowing he was coming. This was my plan. Feeling, knowing, trusting. My body was doing this. This was perfect.

I had my eyes closed, but could hear the nurses talking, a doctor came in. She was telling me to push, and then someone told me to stop.

Again? Good grief.

I heard the doctor tell the nurses it was fine. "She needs to push, its ok," or something to that effect.

"Open your eyes Kathryn," she said, "look at your baby," I was reaching down and pulling him up and he was in my arms.This was perfect.

From then on it was quick. I was taken care, cleaned up, a peed came and checked Sam. The midwife showed up at about that time and because I was under the care of a midwife, they said I was 'allowed' to go home. But before we could go home, Goran needed to go home get clothes for Sam, so I settled in for some luv and nursing my boy. The nurses didn't bother me in anyway. I was left alone, to bond and hold him and ground myself after the intensity of the experience of this birth. This was perfect.

This wasn't my plan but it was. My plan was to listen and trust my body. I believed I would know if everything was working, or if something wasn't working. When I knew something wasn't working, I still knew everything was OK, and everything would be OK.

Samuel - meaning God heard. I feel blessed, and truly believe God heard my prayers. 
Isaiah - Isaiah 41:10 'fear not for I am with you....'
So fitting after all the fear this pregnancy carried. And this is my favorite Bible verse since childhood.

Recovery has been a bit slow, but its been a quiet week filled with quiet moments luving and holding Sam. Bonding, watching siblings come and go from my room, taking turns to hold Sam, and watching my hubby hold and fall in luv with our new son. Helping hands have never stopped pouring through the door, and the food in the freezer I froze before Same came, has come in awfully helpful!

falling in luv

i luv you Sam. I'm your big brother, Bryan told him.

wheres Sammy? she is always asking.
Gracie, the other mommy. Always a willing set of arms.
where is Sam? is her frequent questions
I linger over him. I watch him. I gaze at him. I can't believe he's here and hes mine. I nurse him, hold him, smell him and kiss him. 5 days have flown by, and I know time isn't going to slow down at all with 5 now. I move slow, I hold him close, I share him a bit, and take him back when I need too.

Sweet Goran has been here, making meals, cleaning up, helping with children, holding our tiny one, and luving me. We can hug close now, and we laugh about that. He goes back to work on Monday. O, I wish he could stay home another week...

This family of 7, it feels good and right, right now.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Last Days

I'm winding down. Exhaustion taking over, and more time spent simply keeping up with house and little ones busy, and in between, lots of resting and napping.

I lay and watch this belly. The movements of the person inside, knowing, soon this one will be with us on the outside, held, and luved. 

My body is slowly getting ready. Impending signs of labor knocking, telling me the time is coming. I eagerly welcome labor, knowing that as discomfort of pregnancy and labor come to an end, babe will nestle against me. Knowing luving friends and family will come pouring through the door to support in recovery, and keep small ones busy as we bond and learn to be a family of 7.

My freezers are full. My bedroom painted and fresh and ready to house me for days in rest, and sleep with babe beside me.

henna and mat pics in <3 br="">
So we wait a bit longer.

Knowing *soon*

Monday, February 4, 2013

Fleeting Moments

Last week I was done. Done being big, and awkward, and hurting, and tired. As the week progressed, I slowed down, rested more, stopped to just live in a moment a few more times, and it suddenly come to me, these moments are fleeting. Before I know it labor will begin, and I will say goodbye to this pregnancy, and welcome this babe into my arms, into our family, into our lives, and this part is gone forever. With this relaxation has come more slowing down, listening to my heart, and watching and feeling.

I savor those memories that I won`t be able to live over. Like, when Bryna and I read on the couch the other day and  he had on his hand on my belly and felt the baby kick. I`ll remember his smile forever. And those fleeting moments when Goran gets all sentimental, rubs my belly, talks to the baby, and kisses my belly <3>

and this. Klara giving baby a hug
The talking, and explaining and teaching. Answering the wee ones questions, knowing that living through this, they are learning more then any book can teach them.


"Who's going to make breakfast after the baby comes?"

"Do I have to share a room with the baby if its a boy?"

"Who's going to come after the baby comes out?"

"Who's going to take us to the library?"

"How does the baby poop?"

"Does the baby eat the chocolate you're eating right now?"

"Is the baby hurting you mommy?" (this is followed after I make a grimace, and suck in my breath.)

And with all this my count down is coming to an end. I count down the loads of laundry I do between now and when babe arrives. How many more times I have to strip and wash bedding. How many more times I will lug the vacuum up and down the stairs, and pull it behind me making sure the house is tidy and ready.

I *think* I did a 'last' on Friday night. I went grocery shopping. Its hard at the end, but I enjoy the time away, by myself, picking out good things for my family to eat, for me to bake and cook. This Friday night, my friends have planned a special night just for me, and a local tattoo artist is going to come and do a henna design on my belly. So, Goran will go. I don't know if it was out while I realized, or just as I got home. It just makes me realize again, how close I am to the end of this pregnancy.

This pregnancy, this baby, that was longed for, planned for, and prayed for. Begged for! I begged God, and my body to do this. 'Just one last time, please!' I pleaded in my head. And the little line turned pink.....and in the blink of an eye I'm 9 months later.

Fleeting moments. Moments this momma is stopping to treasure, and hold close to my heart. I wonder how big my heart can get, because once this babe is here, there is new sets of memories to treasure and capture and keep in my heart.

I was given the chance of a free maternity photo shoot Saturday. It should be really amazing with the henna on my belly. Given this wee ones waits, just a bit longer ;)