11 Days To Go

I'm almost there!! 11 days to go to by the day I estimate as my Edd. May the 24th, 2010. I should be excited, and joyful, alternating between resting and preparing. I am looking forward to holding my baby. To seeing if I have been carrying a little girl or a little boy. I am looking forward to introducing the children to a new brother or sister. I am looking forward to nursing again. I weened the youngest when I found out I was pregnant, and I miss that. I am looking forward to presenting a new baby to my husband.

But I'm worried at the same time. I saw the midwife 2 days ago, and the baby was laying transverse. I*sigh*here heavily. My baby's have all moved around a lot. They were concerned last time, and Bryan came out head first, beautiful, healthy, and crying. I had to tell my midwife, as she laughed nervously that she should be my source of empowerment, not the other way around. Oh, she stopped laughing, well yes, she said, a bit shamefully. I have chosen to let my baby get to where it needs to be, the way it needs to do that. I felt like I was fighting with her, for my right to birth my baby how and where I wanted. She actually suggested having an OB turn the baby, breaking my water and having the baby in the hospital!!! What?? Me?? I felt I made the best choice I could picking a midwife over an OB, but I still feel let down by the system. There are still things, if its footling breech, or other such things, they would rush me in. No discussion. And for what in the end? A very disappointed mama, and a baby whom I betrayed. Women birth babies all over the world, in many many different ways. Most of the time it works out because babies in the womb are resilient. But here, today, in our society and culture, anything but head first is not normal and considered risky?? How strange and odd.

My second daughter was born at home. My first home birth. She came down my birth canal and crowned face presentation!!!! My midwife did not realize. I am so so so thankful. Had she known upon arrival we would have gone to the hospital and they would have taken her out of my body. Yes, I would have ended up with c-section. And for what? She came out screaming for her mama, and I was the most empowered woman on the planet! Not only had I birthed my baby at home, I had pushed her out face first!

During my second pregnancy I was afraid of the birth. Of the pain. The unknown and fear of what ifs. What if my body betrayed me? I didn't want to talk about it. Going to the hospital terrified me. The lights, bossy nurses, the rubber gloves, interns dieing to 'check' you every 1/2 hour. It was awful the first time around. Now, the pain does not scare me. I am not afraid that my body with betray me. I am afraid that the people I have trusted to walk through this, with me, will. I am afraid their fear will spill over, and they will take the drastic ambulance/hospital rout. And that at the time, their fear will become mine and I will agree, and end up in c-section. A c-section. That is my biggest fear. Surrendering to a doctor, a knife, a scar I will have forever, a baby they will take from me to 'check over' because my baby hasn't been able to clear his/her air way by coming down my birth canal. The shame after wards. Wondering if I had fought harder, would it had all worked out??

I am trying to remain positive. I am walking to bring that big head 'down'. I am preparing; baking, cooking and cleaning to get things ready for the arrival of my baby. I have seeked out support from people who I know can and will support my decision.

So hopefully in/by 11 days from I am holding a beautiful slippery screaming baby, and did it all at home.