Sometimes....

Sometimes....

.....I just want to write about me.

I want to say I'm tired. I want to say, I hate when Goran is on afternoons. I'm glad he has a job. I'm appreciate that he works hard and provides everything for me and the kids, and I can stay home and homeschool, and hang laundry, and cook meals. I really am. I really really am. I wouldn't change any of that for anything (even straight days!)But the constant shift change, that lack of routine, and what to expect and when, is so so hard on the kids. Its hard on me. I don't like running around all day, trying to do everything for everyone, and being exhausted in the evenings, no patience for the kids, and then I can't sleep simply because Goran is not home. When Goran is on afternoons, we have no time to talk or connect, unless we let something very important go. And we are both angry afterward that we let that thing go, and then the other feels guilt. Of course. Where is the win/win here?

he is such a great person is so many ways, but when he's on afternoons, so many things get in the way, I forget that..

 I want to say thank you to each and everyone of you who support me, and help me through my life. Whether you are helping me in my mothering role, or my wife role, or just supporting the person I am so happy being right now and you are cheering me on. Each of my friends are amazing people. You are special to me. I have picked you as my friend, to be your friend, to help you, support you, and because you are worth it. I share something special with each and everyone of my friends, so thank you. Thank you for helping me by being who you are. You are amazing.

your value in my life is unexplainable

 I want to say, this weight thing is still hard. I thought about quitting a few weeks back, but picked it up and am at it again. And I ask my self, "Why? Why did you let yourself put on 50lb with Klara, why?" (Yes, you read that right) Because I did, and now its my problem. One step at a time. I've dedicated myself to a whole month, no going over points, and sticking to this. One week in and I stayed the same. *sigh* 

I want to say I luv my kids. They are amazing people, and they fill my heart with luv, and pain, and meaning, and reason. All the things that make life. All the things that make me feel alive. The good comes with the bad. I want to say, I don't think I hug you enough or say ' I luv you' enough. But I do. I luv you, each one of you with ever ounce and fiber of my being. And when I hold your tiny bodies against me, feel your breath on my check, or your hands clasp behind my neck, or hear your giggle in my ear, or smell the shampoo fresh in your hair, I get the lump in my throat, feeling all that luv in my heart. These tiny pieces of me walking around for the world to know and luv.  I want to protect you from danger, give you only the best, and see you grow and flourish into the amazing people you are becoming. 

I want to say, I'm not done having babies. I don't know when, because it doesn't feel right yet. Sometimes I'm afraid I will lose the opportunity. But I'm moving forward, trusting and believing that when its right I will know, and the opportunity will be there. I want to say, this is a bit scary for me.

I want to say I'm thankful. I'm thankful for where I am right now. Despite the resentment, fear, and fight I feel sometimes.

I want to say, I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to be right here where I am, right now.

I have been waiting my whole life to be right here where I am, right now. That is big.

Sometimes I need to stand back and remember. Remember how blessed I am. Everyone who is around me, is here for me, and supporting me, and in return I get the privilege of doing the same for them.

Life is good and I am blessed.

Sometimes I just need to write a blog post, and remember that.

Thanks for reading, and letting me remember through the writing.

Fixed and Finished, 2 Great "F" Words I Luv

I will begin in order.

• Fixed is my shower. Good bye bread bag that covered the soap dish hole! In its place is said soap dish from the previous post, glues on well, and has been properly caulked around to protect my tiles. 

• The drain. I forgot to tell this funny story....So a week and half ago I threw the kids in the shower, and ran outside to see how Goran was making out with our leaky van. We watch coolant flowing out of the engine and down the drive way. We decided were it was coming from and Goran promised to take it in the next day. Suddenly "BOOM BOOM BOOM" this resounding loud noise came from the shower...inside the house. Goran looked at me, "What the heck?" "Its the kids in the shower jumping, its OK..."I have never spoken such false words before. Goran went to the down stairs bathroom sometime later and found a puddle. Again I wrote it off as "Its OK..."(again I was very wrong) Later, just before bed I discovered another puddle in the same spot.....upon further investigation we found a broken drain pipe....But 2 days later (and 6 very smelly humans)Goran bought the new piping needed, and spent several hours cutting away the old stuff and putting in the new stuff. So it was fixed, and we got clean. There is some wall damage....but all things in good time. (And he also got the van fixed! So no more coolant leaking and stinking!)

• And finally, 'Finished'. My bench. I got it painted up yesterday, and took some pics with Grace. I noticed going through my pics, I have very few of Grace alone. She tends to be a bit camera shy or always jumping in with a crazy pose the last second, which drives me crazy. So I asked her today if I could take some pics of her on the new bench. She smiled quit shyly, and agreed, and then asked if  'Sweet Bell' could be in the picture too. (Sweet Bell is her real baby she got for her birthday. She carriers her around, changes diapers, nurses her, and co-sleeps with her. And she is 'real' Grace insists) I agreed, so following are a few pics of the bench, Grace, Sweet Bell and of course my baby.  

half primed

primed

painted bench, Grace and Sweet Bell

Grace and her baby

Add caption

Whats been fixed around your home recently?

Woo Hoo 1001

I have reached 1001 page views today!! I don't know who you are, I wish you'd leave me comments, but thank you! I enjoy writing, leaving my thoughts, and posting the pictures that express me and my life. I'm glad that you enjoy it.

Tonight

Tonight I settled into my chair with sweet baby in my arms. She pulled at my shirt, and 'squawked' like she does. I knew she was tired.

"Milk?" I asked her signing at the same time. She became impatient with me, and pulled all the harder.

A quick shift, pulling her close, and she sighed in satisfaction as she began to nurse. A few moments later, she smiled at me slyly, raised her hand, and signed milk. I laughed, and she grinned back at me. Suddenly she remembered the nursing, and resumed. She fingered my necklace, and a mole on my arm. I smelt her freshly washed hair, and ran my fingers through the silky curls.

Her eyes were growing droopy.

I rocked a bit, and watched as her body relaxed, and she rested so peacefully and trusting against mine. This moment, this slot in time, filed in that place in my mind under 'amazing'.

she is amazing

As I biked with the girls tonight, and watched their little legs working so hard to keep up, I am reminded how lucky I am. As I undid Bryan's trailer seat belt and briefly held in my arms to let him free, I remember the joyI have as a mother. Nurture, luv and watch.
I listened to the kids playing while I painted my bench, talking to each other, and laughing. Inventing some crazy game, about shopping, and seeing bugs..... The sun layed in scattered spots on the grass, Duke eager if any one of them came close enough for him to touch or follow, strained just a bit on his leash. The cooling breeze softly blew through the trees.

This is what memories are made of.

Life is good.

A Confession & An Account of The Great 1st Biking Trip

I have a confession. Nothing life changing, but anyways, here goes. Yesterday I did my blog post, and after posting it, saw a picture I was unhappy with. It was a cute picture, but the camera focused on the wrong thing, and the thing I wanted in focus was blurry. It was/is a great picture, but better if it had worked the way I wanted. I told myself it didn't matter, no one would know, and everyone would think it was sweet.

End of story.

Not quite.

It bugged me. I kept going back and looking at the picture, the blog post, and reminding myself it didn't matter. "Its OK," I kept telling myself. I washed the dishes, the steaming floating up, and it was bugging me. I was bathing kids, (hollering, yelling, splashing and wet squirmy bodies everywhere) and it was bugging. I decided then, to edit it!!! 

And I did. I took that one picture out and put a substitute in. And I added one. The picture I took out was great, but not. I was sad it didn't turn out the way I wanted, but happy I changed it.

So, do you know which one? Who saw the old one, and did anyone notice the difference?

I had to confess. It seems I have regular viewers, and wanted you to know what I did, and why. Thanx (hoping) you understand.

OK, our bike trip.

I enjoyed it more then I thought. I had anticipated problems. Bryan not wanting to go in the trailer, Grace having a hard time keeping up, or Angelina wanting to go faster then us. But it was great. Goran and Angelina took the lead, and Grace and I brought up the rear. Klara and Bryan were great in the trailer, and the trailer was fairly easy to pull (hardly noticed it really).

The girls had their bikes ready most of the day, and kept asking Daddy if he was coming too.

Bryan got in and buckled up with out a complaint, and Klara was happy enough to be buckled up beside him.

Off we went. We went through the neighborhood, and took 'a long way' to get to the park. Goran and Angelina were way ahead at one point, and I was behind Grace encouraging her on. I was worried they had gone on and 'left' us behind, but coming around a car, there they were waiting for us!

Grace kept a great pace, and besides getting angry at me once about how I wanted her to walk her bike across the road, she did awesome. Angelina luved the independence, and got off her bike at each crossing and made sure it was safe, and double checked with me before crossing. Goran kept up with each of us in turn. He kept an eye out for all of us, and checked on the 'babies' when I asked him too.

I adjusted her helmet once we got to that park, it was sitting wonky before(see the bikes in the background - I did that on purpose:)

she totally has that thing figured out

The bike ride was my high light, but the swings with Daddy was the kids.

baby feet

So, it was great! A great way to end the weekend, and we came home and had burgers from the bbq, and squash french fires.

I luv the connecting. When we go out like that, we are talking, and communicating, and sharing. "Can you check the babies?" and watching Goran and Angelina biking together. Watching how Grace is growing and working so hard to keep up. I feel so connected to each one of them, and am reminded how lucky I am to be part of them.

I can't wait to go again.

Life is Good

Thats all there is to it. Life is good. The kids are happy, Goran and I are happy, life is good. And I hope you don't mind, a week full of stories to share.

Goran's taken the last two weekends off!! Its been so so nice having him home, to spend time with, and do things together. Like last week he had this great idea, to get up and go garage saling together. ( I have to add here, that before kids were part of our family I wanted to go, and he was very upset not wanting to "buy other peoples junk". I guess being a dad of 4 has changed his perspective a bit ;)) So up we got last Saturday, at 7:00 am and out we went, all 6 of us. We stopped and got breakfast at the golden arches, and continued on to the 1st garage sale. 1 turned into 5 or 6, but we all (yes the kids too) got something we luved. The thing I luv the most is my bench. I've been looking for a while for a 'park' bench for the front porch. The one I got is hand made from wood. Looks like old barn boards actually. And is came unpainted so I get to paint it myself. I've been thinking about it all week, and now that I've decided what colors, I'm hoping to get to it in the next few days. I will post pics once its done!

my bench oh, and the kids

 I finally 'desodded' the rest of the garden and the kids and I got the rest of it planted. Angelina was great. She was right beside me as I dug the holes. She watered the holes first, planted the veggie plant, and then watered the plant. She got good fast, and was soon instructing and helping Grace and Bryan.  So it was a 4 person, job, and I'm so happy we did it together. We refer to it as 'our' garden, and they have pride in it! Visitors come, and they take them down the 'paths' and tell them what we've planted, pointing and explaining.

Angelina helping, she wears gloves like me!

Angelina also did some cooking this week. She made mini pizza's, and mac and cheese from scratch. I underestimate what she can do! She needed some help reading the directions, and understanding the fractions for messuring, but overall, she did alot on her own, learned alot about the oven and stove, and made great mac and cheese. This is homeschooling. I luv it!

Klara use to be so easy outside. I would put out a blanket (or even my sweeter in a pinch) and she would stay. She didn't like the feeling of the grass. She got over that this week, and is now after the muddiest place she can fine. Brown dirty knees, and happy smile. It is fun to watch her explore the world with such wonder.

yuck!

Bryan rode 'Mode' around the block for the first time today. He surprised me. I didn't know he was that far along in doing it all, but he did great. He needed a few pushes on the way, but caught himself everytime before he fell, and finished the block. I am so proud of him.

We went to my mom and dads one day this week. Before we left though, we stopped and got some watermelon and tzatziki dip. As we were getting out of the van Grace and Bryan noticed a pylon beside the van, and were discussing it. What it was for, why it was there, that kind of thing. Grace pointed out to me that Angelina was bigger then the pylon, she was the same size, and Bryan was smaller. Homeschooling. I didn't do anything to teach her that, she just told me. Anyways, off we went to Nana and Paka's. Once we were there Grace proceeded to tell Paka all about the pylon and who was taller, the same size, and smaller. The kids had a great time, swimming, jumping, and running around. They have slept well this weekend. 

This weekend we spent the day with Kristyn and her littles where we saw the beauty of nature...in a cage...??

And we finish off the weekend with a new adventure. Bike riding. Well, bike riding with the trailer, and the family. I bought 2 bikes, dirt cheep from my mom and dad, and have been on a hunt for a bike trailer for the last 2 weeks. I got one yesterday, and today is our first outing. I promise to take lots of pictures, and blog about how it went. I'm looking forward to it. I saw Goran getting his bike out just a few minutes ago. 


So, life is good. 

How do you get out with your families and enjoy life?

Quiet

Its like that. Crazy busy trying to finish the last bit of 'this', make sure I have 'that', and wondering if I have enough of that 'thing'. For Klara's party it was her photo album, (I worked so hard on it) the cookies and recipe cards, food to buy and prepare, the yard and house to tidy, and matching outfits for the kids right down to color coordinating and matching bows. The list seemed never ending, and it was tiny details like plastic cups, enough spoons, and pretty balloons, to the big things like deciding the guest list, and praying the weather would co-operate.

I did have enough spoons, and the Klara luved the balloons. My mother-in-law made one of her famous cakes, and the weather was spotty. And it was all worth it as we all had a great day. My youngest girl was beautiful, and happy, and acted as she knew it was her day. It seemed she knew everyone was there for her.

I luved it. The excitement and anticipation of getting ready. The kids feeding off out excitement. Everything super tidy and clean. Everyone and everything in the house waiting.

Then the house is descended on. Grown ups and kids, laughing, eating, play, singing happy birthday, and taking turns giving the birthday girl birthday hugs and kisses. Dishes lining the counters and my amazing mom and amazing friends filling up the sink and taking a turn washing. Gathering up garbage in the hustle and bustle of it all to help me out.

And then the party ended, and the day ended, and the week has slipped on. Kristyn stayed to the next day with her littles, and it was wonderful and lovely. A nice continuum. And then we slipped into the next day, and we were schooling, and I was hanging laundry and weeding the garden. The left over cake disappeared, and the new toys took places with the old toys, and the packages, and tissue paper found a home in the gift bag box.

The sun shone, and rain fell, and life has resumed, quiet, and peaceful.


The children snuggle on the couch together reading stories. Daddy reading stories snuggled in bed with little ones, and me nursing the smallest one while the sun sinks low in the sky.

Yes, the normal quiet of routine. I luv this too. For different reasons. Some say its boring. I think its amazing. I can stop now and watch them grow. Listen to the Angelina read to the others. Watch Klara climb the stairs, and pull to stand at the bookshelf.....and pull all the book down. I listen to Grace ask Angelina how to spell things, and Grace so slowly repeating as she writes it out. I watch Bryan work on riding his bake, and find out he has named in 'Mode'.  The quietness allows me to watch and listen, laugh, and luv. Luv this stage in my life. Luv watching them. Luv them. 

They get through the crazy with me. Enjoy the excitement, the company, the food, and the anticipation just as much as me. But they seem to appreciated the calm just as much. Baking cookies, and long walks through the neighborhood. Waiting for Daddy to come home, and a supper of pizza just with the 6 of us.

Bryan and 'Mode'

Grace being her helpful self with Bryan and 'Mode'

beautiful girl

discovering

 

Life is good.

What do you like best? The quiet daily routine life, or the excitement before a holiday or big party?

Me, I like them both. Each for different reasons.