Sometimes....

Sometimes....

.....I just want to write about me.

I want to say I'm tired. I want to say, I hate when Goran is on afternoons. I'm glad he has a job. I'm appreciate that he works hard and provides everything for me and the kids, and I can stay home and homeschool, and hang laundry, and cook meals. I really am. I really really am. I wouldn't change any of that for anything (even straight days!)But the constant shift change, that lack of routine, and what to expect and when, is so so hard on the kids. Its hard on me. I don't like running around all day, trying to do everything for everyone, and being exhausted in the evenings, no patience for the kids, and then I can't sleep simply because Goran is not home. When Goran is on afternoons, we have no time to talk or connect, unless we let something very important go. And we are both angry afterward that we let that thing go, and then the other feels guilt. Of course. Where is the win/win here?

he is such a great person is so many ways, but when he's on afternoons, so many things get in the way, I forget that..

 I want to say thank you to each and everyone of you who support me, and help me through my life. Whether you are helping me in my mothering role, or my wife role, or just supporting the person I am so happy being right now and you are cheering me on. Each of my friends are amazing people. You are special to me. I have picked you as my friend, to be your friend, to help you, support you, and because you are worth it. I share something special with each and everyone of my friends, so thank you. Thank you for helping me by being who you are. You are amazing.

your value in my life is unexplainable

 I want to say, this weight thing is still hard. I thought about quitting a few weeks back, but picked it up and am at it again. And I ask my self, "Why? Why did you let yourself put on 50lb with Klara, why?" (Yes, you read that right) Because I did, and now its my problem. One step at a time. I've dedicated myself to a whole month, no going over points, and sticking to this. One week in and I stayed the same. *sigh* 

I want to say I luv my kids. They are amazing people, and they fill my heart with luv, and pain, and meaning, and reason. All the things that make life. All the things that make me feel alive. The good comes with the bad. I want to say, I don't think I hug you enough or say ' I luv you' enough. But I do. I luv you, each one of you with ever ounce and fiber of my being. And when I hold your tiny bodies against me, feel your breath on my check, or your hands clasp behind my neck, or hear your giggle in my ear, or smell the shampoo fresh in your hair, I get the lump in my throat, feeling all that luv in my heart. These tiny pieces of me walking around for the world to know and luv.  I want to protect you from danger, give you only the best, and see you grow and flourish into the amazing people you are becoming. 

I want to say, I'm not done having babies. I don't know when, because it doesn't feel right yet. Sometimes I'm afraid I will lose the opportunity. But I'm moving forward, trusting and believing that when its right I will know, and the opportunity will be there. I want to say, this is a bit scary for me.

I want to say I'm thankful. I'm thankful for where I am right now. Despite the resentment, fear, and fight I feel sometimes.

I want to say, I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to be right here where I am, right now.

I have been waiting my whole life to be right here where I am, right now. That is big.

Sometimes I need to stand back and remember. Remember how blessed I am. Everyone who is around me, is here for me, and supporting me, and in return I get the privilege of doing the same for them.

Life is good and I am blessed.

Sometimes I just need to write a blog post, and remember that.

Thanks for reading, and letting me remember through the writing.