{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

inspired by SouleMama

 

Happy Birthday

Where do I begin? I don't know. My heart hurts, but in the hurting, healing is happening. My body hurts, but as I slowly return to daily activities my body is mending, and heart with it.

'i can smell fall' she says 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he tripped and fell and wanted to hold MY hand. so rare

new shoes

 

 

sisters! i luv the happy smiles - so excited about ballet

friends sleeping son

playing nephew

she is growing so fast....

 Today was an exceptional day. My smiling kids greeted me outside the bathroom door with smiles and shouts "Happy Birthday" and hugs and gifts. I am so blessed.

"Mom" (that's me!)

2 big girls wrote their name, and Bryan drew the heart. <3

Dinner made by Mom and Dad, and cake made by my mother - in - law finished the quiet birthday in perfection.

cake #2

Happy Birthday! Another year gone by.

Hurting and Healing

I am thankful.

You read that right.

My heart is broken. Into a million pieces. My body hurts. Everywhere. Like after I have had my babies. Only today there is no tiny newborn for me to hold. There is no tiny toes to count touching each one as I go, and no sweat smell of my new born to breath in. And I need to feel this, I need to hurt, but in the mist of the worse of all of this, there is goodness.

My arms are not empty. Many times over the last few day my toddler has founds me, asking for up, for cuddles, for milk. At bed time last night, I hugged each one, feeling tiny arms wrap around me, and breathing in freshly bathed hair, feeling tiny chest rise and fall in these hugs. Hugs I hold onto for a bit to long, and they begin to squirm against me.

My family came in the middle of the crisis, words and hugs, caring for the children. Goran's support was immense the night all this began in earnest. Driving, talking, holding, luving. Encouraging me that we will get through this. And the words I needed to hear so badly, "When you are healed, when you are ready, we will try again." He knows me. This is why he is mine.

Friends came and filled my house with luv. I will always remember, hugs, talking and laughing, cooking, and laundry.  I did nothing. My counters and fridge were filled with food. The number of children in my house doubled, and it filled my heart with goodness. Toddlers playing, older children helping. My friends thought of my children, bringing  new things for them to try and do. One of the friends packed my kids in her van and took them out for fun. A friend came with her 3 month hold son for me to hold. I held him, and talked to him and he smiled at me. I rocked, and swayed and he drifted off to sleep. I will never forget the feeling of his body in my arms. Flowers were delivered, reminding me that the friends that can't be here, are praying for me, supporting me in every way they can. Phone calls, and email, chatting on facebook, it is a constant reminder I always have someone to call, in an instant.

I have sent them home now. I need Goran and the children here with me. Caring for me, and needing me. Them needing me is helping my heart to heal.

I am trusting this process. I am trusting my body, and my heart, to tell me what I need so I can move forward and start to feel normal. I want to feel normal. I want it to be 3 months from now, and to feel normal. I want to feel whole.

I took the kids out for a walk. I breathed in the fresh fall air, and wondered when the leaves began to fall. I snapped pictures, and pushed the stroller at then same time. The dog got all tangled in my legs. The sun was shining, and it felt good to feel it on my face. The children walked and talked, and Angelina snapped pictures with her camera.

peek...

...a boo!

Normal? No. Healing? Slowly.

In An Instant

My heart was fluttering so fast in my chest this morning as I lay on the ultra sound tec table. I held my breath and waited. I felt the wand on my tummy and watched the screen. Panic rose inside me trying to claw its way out. My eyes knew in an instant what my heart as known all weekend. There was no heart beat.

I felt my heart breaking.  

There were words passed back and forth between me and technician. He was very kind and confirmed what I already knew. He told me he was very sorry.

I left the building and hurried to the van through the cold wet rain. I turned the key, the engine started and I  let the wipers go swish, swish, over and over.Goran called and we exchanged words of love and support to each other. He was amazing.

Thank you, each and every one of  you, for all you thoughts, and supports and prayers. This hurts, but I am not alone, and that makes all the difference.
 

Standing Still

I am waiting. I feel like time is standing still. I feel like I am holding my breath. Monday will be that day that tells all. It will tell me whether this baby is OK, or not. What a frightening thought. In an instant, I will know. I will either see a flicker of a heart beat or not.

Today has been another good day, with not reoccurrences of Friday. I continue to have the symptoms I have had throughout this pregnancy. Nothing has changed that way. I have done more usual things today then yesterday, with some resting and a nap. Some things I'm afraid to do, but necessity and 4 children need me. I hold my breath and more forward through the day, one step at a time.

This is me and Goran's wedding text. I am repeating it over and over in my head. 

Thank you for your words of support, your kindness, encouragement, and love. 

Prayers are my request as today turns into tomorrow.

Faith

I can not begin to explain the comfort and support I have felt from my family and friends over the last 24 hours. The kind words, gestures, prayers, messages, and offers of help. I know I am not alone. I know I have friends to call on if this becomes an emergency. I know I have friends to celebrate with if all turns out well.  I know people have carried me in their thoughts today, and have prayed for me and wee babe. 

Everything has been good today, with no reoccurrences  of yesterday.

Every one deals with pain and fear differently. Me I went back to my roots in the last 24 hours.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

"I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:19 (NIV) 

I have felt peace, and calmness, and reassurance. I have rested in that. I rested in the fact that I am not alone.

I am thankful. For everyone of my friends.

I have reassured the children more then once today, that things look good, and mommy feels well. I explained again, 'We don't know for sure, but it all looks OK today'.

Bryan grasps it in a small way. "I want the baby in your tummy to be a boy."

Angelina helped every way she could today...voluteering to dry the dishes, help with the babies, and carry my purse while we were out.

Grace feels it differently. She snuggles against me. "Put your arm around me and snuggle me Mommy."

I turned back to my roots again, looking for more. Seeking. Here is what I found,

“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” -  John 1:16

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5

“Children too are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward.” – Psalm 127:3

“For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

The proof of  blessing, support is here in front of me again and again. I find comfort in this. Each one of our babies, all 8 have been a blessing, even for the ones that I only carried a brief time. We rejoiced when we found out, and cried together when we lost. Every baby has brought Goran and I closer, and my friends surrounded me with love and support. I am moving forward in this right now.

And in faith today, while out with my 4 little luvs,

"But Mom," says Angelina, "we don't know if the baby is ok.."

"Everything looks good today Honey, we are hoping."

Fear

Fear is huge. It has a ripple affect, and the ripples get bigger. It spreads from person to person, and each person gets more and more fearful. As I go through things in my life, I have learned that my family needs me to be stable. They gauge themselves by me. If I am scared, and crying, they are alarmed. When this happens, if I explain myself, if they can understand, they are OK. Sometime this is a 'grown up' thing and they can go about their business, letting us deal with the big things. If I don't explain, say things like, "Don't worry" or "I don't know", then my children are upset and scared. They act out, being super silly, hurting each other, and/or using unkind words.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Everything has been fine. I have had normal symptoms, and saw my midwife on Monday. We booked an apt. for the 3rd of October, my birthday, to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Today was a normal day. I've been tired and had a nap after lunch. I got up, went to the bathroom, and had spotting. I have had 8 pregnancy's. I have had 2 pregnancy's with spotting. I have 2 without spotting. This is how my 3 miscarriages started. I was texting Goran and calling the midwife within minutes.

The kids were up. They saw me frantic. They saw me crying. I stopped and saw their concern. The furrowed eye brows and concern in the voices. "Are you OK Mom?"

I would like to say I gathered them in my arms and told them what was making mommy sad. That I held them and comforted them.

I didn't. I stood their for a moment, I wasn't sure what to say. I struggled to gain some composure, so I could say something. "Mommy is bleeding. I don't know know what this means. The baby might not be OK, or the baby could be OK. It will be a few days before we know for sure." I turned away, tears running, fear gripping me.

Time passed. I don't know how many minutes. 10, 20, 30? Its a blur. My friends, my circle, all offering words of support, comfort, or a visit. I struggle, looking for hope, but not trying to look to hard, just is case. More time passed. The fog began to lift.

I calmly spoke to the children, reminding them we just don't know yet, but we are hoping, and praying. Time will tell, but mommy will be OK. The girls gave me hugs and colored home made cards.

I whipped together hot dogs and grill cheese, and texted a friend for a delivery of ice cream :) I offered a long movie, so kids will sit and rest, and eat ice cream. Friend came, with ice cream, arms of support, and gifts of love.

'they smell so good'

Doctor friend called in response to my text, offering the very best she can for an ultra sound come morning. More words of support. I am ever thankful. My mom founds my message of facebook and we chat. She reminded me God makes life, God has a plan. Trust. I hold on to the words.

It is quiet now. The children are busy with the movie, and I am calm. I don't know the outcome of today. Time will tell. But I trust that there is a plan.

Please pray for us in the next few days as this unfolds, and we move forward.