Trying Again

I will try this post one more time. *Sigh*

My third attempt.

I had begun a lovely post about getting my space back. About how lonely and terrified I felt all those weeks I didn't post, and I am so glad to be able to write, and post pics of the wonderful things going on in our lives. I was gushing about how happy and thankful I am, for all the friends and family and support and luv we have received in the past few weeks, and for all the things I have been blessed with in my life.

Yes, I said I was terrified. Terrified of miscarriage. I suppose I chose to walk that path alone, as only a few knew, but at the same time it was path I had to walk. I had to go through all that, to come out in the end, knowing, knowing, I would be OK no matter what. And when I accepted that, it was so nice to share with close friends the news I had held tight to me.

And with the sharing came a sigh of relief. I had never been alone, because everyone was there all the time.

I have weeks of pictures to post, and will never get around to it all, but here is some.

Camping

getting up

breakfast

 
to the beach

beautiful girl

he made his first real friend

home

all tuckered out

<3 how she reads to him

  Our blessings are bountiful. I am ever thankful.

I will post about Bryan (and Klara's but mostly Bryan's) teddy bear picnic in the next few day.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Inspired by SouleMama

 

Leaving Worry Behind

Things have been quiet here. When a blogger goes quiet there is a reason why.

I have thought and day dreamed about this post for days, and weeks. Months really. A long time, and now I am here, and I'm not sure, how to say all the things in my heart, and the things in my head. I'm not sure where to begin, of even if I am really ready for this yet.

4 weeks and 3 days ago on a Monday evening, my heart skipped a beat, and tears slid down my cheeks when I saw this. (tears pool in my eyes as I write this)

I had tried a pregnancy test Friday night, and I got a faint positive, but I  convinced myself it must be wrong as I waited more then the 10 minutes before I checked it. I told myself it was an evaporation line, threw it away and tried to forget about it. Tried.....but it didn't work well. I kept pulling it out of the garbage to look at it and stare and wonder if......

So Monday night I had drove to Paris to pick up a barbie house for the girls for $10.00. Really I couldn't go wrong with a $10.00 barbie house. On the way home I had to drive past Walmart and the thought kept popping in to my mind, 'You could stop and get a test. Then you would know..'
I didn't make up my mind until I pulled up to the stoplight where I go straight to go home, or right to go to Walmart. I hesitated for a moment, and turned my signal light on.


"Why are we going to Walmart?" the wee ones whined.

I made up an excuse about looking for tiny shampoo bottles for camping. In the store I was able to divert the big girls for 30 seconds grab my box and throw it in to the cart behind my purse. My hands were a bit tingly, and sweaty. I also kept running into this lady and her little girl who I had had a feud with. As I was trying to be discreet, and the girls kept asking funny quesitons, this was not exactly going my way. For 1/2 a second I thought of abandoning this mission and just going home.

As we walked up to the cash register  Angelina says to me,

"But we don't have anything, what are you....." her voice trailed off as she saw what was in the cart and she turned her eyes to my eyes. I put my fingers in front of my mouth and made the 'Shhhh'ing sign. She turned her eyes away really quick. She is too smart!!

As I handed the register lady my box, who should happen to walk up behind me......the lady and her daughter. Oh boy!!

So fast forward 20 minutes, we get home and I get the wee ones busy with the barbie house (they all have cloths and are wiping it clean) and I sneak off to the bathroom. I peed and waited. I didn't have to wait long. 10/15 seconds maybe....and the line got darker and darker and darker.

I sat and stared. Just stared. I grabbed my phone, my hands shaking, and took a picture.

I walked around in a bit of a fog that night. I text Goran the picture and asked him to call me. Goran called and it was a bit of a celebration over the phone, with more tears and the happiest of words shared back and forth.

The hours turned into days and some how weeks. I've had moments of  terror as I convince myself something is wrong like last time. I become quiet, and withdrawn as I relive last September over and over in my mind. I've had moments of pure joy when I let myself be at peace, and go over all the good signs I'm having and all the negative signs I don't have that I had last time.

Slowly I have shared with my circle of friends, and the news leaks out around me to others. People are truly happy for us, for the peace and healing this will bring. For the luv our family will welcome a new baby with, and for the joy a new baby will bring us.

In the last few days I approach the milestone of when I had spotting last time. 9 weeks is in a few days. As this week approached I had amazing amounts of fear and anxiety. I pulled into myself as the fear took over. But something inside me kept saying 'Reach out, reach out....' so I did. I reached out to friends and family with my fears. That voice inside did not do me wrong! They responded with kindness, sympathy, and understanding. A good friend who was close to me in September explained to me how I am different this time around. She explained the 'silent warning signs' I had last time but continued to over look. I see what she means.  I am feeling more and more at peace.

Does this mean I am in the clear? Does this grantee a healthy baby mid winter? No. It doesn't. But it means, I am trusting that what will be will be, and that I have all the support and luv I need to get through any situation.

It means I am happy for today. For the positive signs of pregnancy that I have. For the delight on the wee ones faces as we shared the news. For sharing my joy with others and all those who have truly shared in our joy with us.  

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery. - Urban Dictionary

Traditions

I started this Thursday night after we went strawberrry picking. I wanted to write about traditions, and how every year they get older, we build these yearly traditions. Traditions that they talk about all year long. Whether its birthday party favorites, Christmas cookies with daddy, or strawberry picking at Farmer Toms, the traditions hold strong cord for them.

I here them reminicing, "Do you remember when we made cookies with Daddy?" or "Do you remember Baka slept over Christmas Eve?" and this week, "Do you remember strawberry picking when Klara was a baby? And Farmer Tom?" 


Yes, we are building memories and traditions. Things we all look forward to. Things we enjoy as a family. And things they will talk about their whole lives. Now they talk to each, and Nana, and Pake, and cousins, and friends. In time they will roll their eyes and laugh when they tell their teenage friends they have to make go to the pumpkin patch on Mom's birthday. And one day, when they are grown and have wee ones of their own they will say,


"When I was little...." and hopefully these memories are great memories for them and they can bring some of them into their own families.


Its been a week of traditions. Strawberry picking (o yes). summer traditions with cousins, and the evening of dollies outside. 

o these ceder trees. how they luv them, spending hours playing in them!

We've also begun some new traditions.

A piano recital for my girls. As with the ballet recital, my heart was in my throat. Their dedication, and concentration, and sheer beauty of the people my 2 big girls are becoming, filled me with so much emotion I had a hard time keeping myself in check.


They seemed to small at that grand piano in the big hall.

Shyly they each took their turn, fingers finding the right keys, and their hard work all winter long showing through.

They made their momma, and Nana so proud.


A new tradition we began just today.


A Fathers Day Special, not for my dad today, but for the father of my wee ones. A man I treasure, and value. A man who luves to fish in a boat. We counted life jackets, buckled up kids, and set off in the boat.

O yes, yes I did. (I have even had fun - but don't tell him that!)

Seeing him there, in his element, was moving for me. I found it hard not to stare at him, studying him, trying to imprint it all in my memory. I don't ever want to forget. For all the differences we have, all the times we might shout a bit to much, he is an amazing man. He was gentle with the children, letting them try to steer the boat, and explaining to them how it worked. He let them look at the lures, and explained different things to them.We drove fast and the wind blew hats and hair, and everyone laughed. We cruised slow and we watched birds dive for fish, and herons fly and settle in the shallow water.

This day filled my heart with goodness and luv. Memories, and a new tradition, we are all looking forward to next year.


And for tomorrow, I am looking forward to an old tradition of a good long visit at my mom and dads, celebrating my dad on Fathers Day!


Stay tuned!!

Just Have Faith

"So how do I know if it's ok?" I text a friend today.

"You don't." She replied. "You have faith, and enjoy each moment."

Life has its ups and downs.

Sometimes you wonder if its all going to be ok.

Just have faith.

Even in the bad have faith that the good it coming.

Flurry of phone calls and discussions lead to a  flurry of towels and bathing suits flown on in a hurry as we packed sandwiches, canteens, and cameras for the beach.

This renews my faith.

Strength in numbers.

Helping.

Just watching them play.

Making friends,

whether big or small.

Its these things, these simple things that renew my faith.

These 4 little people are the reason I renew my faith. They keep my moving, through their luv, their innocence, and their faith in me.

Just have faith.

 

Hows that? Right before I hit post, Angelina yells, "A rainbow!!!" A sign, right outside my window!! 

In Their Honor

We gathered. Ballet mom's and dad's. Some grandma's and grandpa's and neighbors and friends. We brought plastic covered treats and tupperware containers of  more treats. We talked nervously as they practiced one last time.

We filed in and found seats. The room hushed.

I sat in silence at magic unfolded before my eyes.

My camera lay forgotten in lap for a bit as watched in aw.

The concentration.

The dedication.

The beauty.

I finally remembered my camera in my lap, and picked it up, snapping what I could between the tears that kept slipping out of the corners of  my eyes and sliding silently down my cheeks.

The opportunity to raise them, luv them, watch them, and be part of their lives.

Oh what a blessing

Happy 2nd Birthday Klara

Dearest Klara

Oh where do I start? I don't know. At the beginning, holding and shaking and watching that line turn pink. Knowing, already knowing, before it turned pink that you were there. Growing, and changing me, and becoming the person you were meant to be. I relished my pregnancy. The morning sickness was bad, but I found great comfort in knowing it meant you were growing well. I spent hours laying on the couch feeling wiggles and jiggles, that turned into kicks and rolls. I would lay Daddy's hand on my growing belly so he could feel you moving. Your sisters and brother would put their hands on me and feel you move and wonder if you were a brother or a sister. We laughed at the funny names Angelina and Grace and Bryan came up for you. When my belly was very round, and you were very big, I took turns resting on the couch reading stories, and walking along the streets to the parks with the big kids.

And then the day came. You were working my body hard to tell me to get ready. Telling me it was time for you to come. I went to bed for one last night, being a pregnant Momma.

By 6:30am I was the momma of a band new baby girl. I pulled your slipper self onto my chest, and I drank you in. I kissed you, and held you, and treasured that moment. You are a girl, as I thought all along.

You made us a family of 6. You were an amazing baby. You nursed, slept, played, nursed and slept. I could bring you anywhere, and never worry.

This past year you have learned many new things.

You walked. December 4th, you decided that was the day to walk, and you started going back and forth between Daddy and I  in the kitchen. Yeah!! You were doing it!! (Finally)

You are beginning to pick up words, and telling us things, and making a perfect place for yourself in our family.

You luved to swim last year, and upon putting up the pool this year, you still luv it! In you go, walking and splashing and laughing!! Up the ladder, down the ladder, back and forth across you go.

In September I lost a baby. I was so so thankful for you. For the bond we had, the way you would come to me and nurse, and snuggle in and rest with me. You gave me peace, and helped to heal my soul.

We had a party to celebrate you. people came and we sang, and the children swam, and you laughed and were happy and trilled, and glowing. Almost like you knew it was your day!!

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. Thank you for coming home to us 2 years ago, for making us your family, and blessing us so abundantly!