Leaving Worry Behind

Things have been quiet here. When a blogger goes quiet there is a reason why.

I have thought and day dreamed about this post for days, and weeks. Months really. A long time, and now I am here, and I'm not sure, how to say all the things in my heart, and the things in my head. I'm not sure where to begin, of even if I am really ready for this yet.

4 weeks and 3 days ago on a Monday evening, my heart skipped a beat, and tears slid down my cheeks when I saw this. (tears pool in my eyes as I write this)

I had tried a pregnancy test Friday night, and I got a faint positive, but I  convinced myself it must be wrong as I waited more then the 10 minutes before I checked it. I told myself it was an evaporation line, threw it away and tried to forget about it. Tried.....but it didn't work well. I kept pulling it out of the garbage to look at it and stare and wonder if......

So Monday night I had drove to Paris to pick up a barbie house for the girls for $10.00. Really I couldn't go wrong with a $10.00 barbie house. On the way home I had to drive past Walmart and the thought kept popping in to my mind, 'You could stop and get a test. Then you would know..'
I didn't make up my mind until I pulled up to the stoplight where I go straight to go home, or right to go to Walmart. I hesitated for a moment, and turned my signal light on.


"Why are we going to Walmart?" the wee ones whined.

I made up an excuse about looking for tiny shampoo bottles for camping. In the store I was able to divert the big girls for 30 seconds grab my box and throw it in to the cart behind my purse. My hands were a bit tingly, and sweaty. I also kept running into this lady and her little girl who I had had a feud with. As I was trying to be discreet, and the girls kept asking funny quesitons, this was not exactly going my way. For 1/2 a second I thought of abandoning this mission and just going home.

As we walked up to the cash register  Angelina says to me,

"But we don't have anything, what are you....." her voice trailed off as she saw what was in the cart and she turned her eyes to my eyes. I put my fingers in front of my mouth and made the 'Shhhh'ing sign. She turned her eyes away really quick. She is too smart!!

As I handed the register lady my box, who should happen to walk up behind me......the lady and her daughter. Oh boy!!

So fast forward 20 minutes, we get home and I get the wee ones busy with the barbie house (they all have cloths and are wiping it clean) and I sneak off to the bathroom. I peed and waited. I didn't have to wait long. 10/15 seconds maybe....and the line got darker and darker and darker.

I sat and stared. Just stared. I grabbed my phone, my hands shaking, and took a picture.

I walked around in a bit of a fog that night. I text Goran the picture and asked him to call me. Goran called and it was a bit of a celebration over the phone, with more tears and the happiest of words shared back and forth.

The hours turned into days and some how weeks. I've had moments of  terror as I convince myself something is wrong like last time. I become quiet, and withdrawn as I relive last September over and over in my mind. I've had moments of pure joy when I let myself be at peace, and go over all the good signs I'm having and all the negative signs I don't have that I had last time.

Slowly I have shared with my circle of friends, and the news leaks out around me to others. People are truly happy for us, for the peace and healing this will bring. For the luv our family will welcome a new baby with, and for the joy a new baby will bring us.

In the last few days I approach the milestone of when I had spotting last time. 9 weeks is in a few days. As this week approached I had amazing amounts of fear and anxiety. I pulled into myself as the fear took over. But something inside me kept saying 'Reach out, reach out....' so I did. I reached out to friends and family with my fears. That voice inside did not do me wrong! They responded with kindness, sympathy, and understanding. A good friend who was close to me in September explained to me how I am different this time around. She explained the 'silent warning signs' I had last time but continued to over look. I see what she means.  I am feeling more and more at peace.

Does this mean I am in the clear? Does this grantee a healthy baby mid winter? No. It doesn't. But it means, I am trusting that what will be will be, and that I have all the support and luv I need to get through any situation.

It means I am happy for today. For the positive signs of pregnancy that I have. For the delight on the wee ones faces as we shared the news. For sharing my joy with others and all those who have truly shared in our joy with us.  

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery. - Urban Dictionary