I Luv This Part....

I can hear the lyrics in my head, bouncing around as I move through these last few weeks of this pregnancy. I do. I luv this part. The excitement, anticipation, washing baby things, installing the car seat, even the aches and pains as my body prepares so perfectly to bring this tiny one earth side.

Walking around Walmart last night, having mild contractions that brought a tiny twinge to my back, I was reminded every very minutes what is coming. I was reminded of the life getting ready to join us, and the joy that will fill this home in that instant when we become 7.

I started this post last week, and now make the time to finish. Because being a momma of 4, things are busy.

So 2 nights ago I woke with the gasp as a contractions wrapped around my belly and into my back. I stumbled to the bathroom, my head reeling, clutching this enormous belly in front of me. Within minutes another contraction came. I shook my head, a bit confused honestly, and not quit believing this.

"Its to soon...its to soon..." the thought kept repeating in my head. Its not at all. 37 and 4 days now, its not too soon for babe to be considered full term.....but too soon for me! I have things I want to get done, things I need to do, and I need to be prepared! Mentally to give birth to this baby, I need to have time to get ready!

A third contraction grabbed at me, and I shook my head thinking "No, not yet, no...." and I waddled back to bed. I was thinking to myself, maybe if I just lay down, it would all go away.

A few hours later I woke to the sun coming in. Whew! I diverted it....

But since that night I've spent sometime thinking what exactly I diverted....what is it that scared me, yes scared me, so much?

In that moment in the bathroom the pain of labor grabbed me. The nausea, the sweets, and back ache, a bit shaky, the raw feeling as inside of me opens and  prepares for me to birth. In that moment I remembered the  helplessness of the journey I must take alone. Because of all the people that can support me, be here for me, hold my hand, rub my back, pour water over me, and smooth the hair from my face, I'm the only one who feels it, who does it, who births this little one.

Yes, the reward is great! When my body pushes one last time and I slip my hands under this baby and pull him/her to my chest, the reward is greater then any I have experienced. And in that instant it is all 100% worth the effects birth has on my body.

I've been reading a lot about the fear of childbirth, and the affects that simply fear can have. I'm reading and trying to understand. I know the more fearful I am, the more painful it will be.

I'm going to keep reading, and will share more thoughts as time goes on. I'm not sure where all this is at right now...

But I continue to luv this part. Waiting, the excitement, and anticipation of it all.....

And a funny story about the the title of this post.....

The song I was thinking of is actually called, "I :Love This Bar" (by Toby Keith). I sing along when it comes to this line and always sing, 'I love this part...' I often do that, tuning out the rest of the song and just singing the part I like. I was trying to find this song the other day, and text Goran, for help. He sent it back with something like "Yeah didn't think you'd like it as much if I told you the actual name of the song...lol". It does change the view of the song, and my it has nothing to do with luving this part of pregnancy.

But someone does need to come up with a song with catchy lyrics of "'Luv this part' and leaving it open ended so anyone could use it for ANYTHING!

I'll leave you with a pic I snapped last week of this ever growing belly....

I'll try to pop in tomorrow with a moment from the week!

Piss Baby?

Last week putting Klara to bed, I tuck her in, kiss her and pull away to look at her sweet tiny toddler face. Ringlets around her face, and the night light reflecting on her face making her look angelic.

She looks up at me with these searching eyes. I smile at her.

'Piss baby?" she whispers in a hushed voice.

I try to continue smiling and blink a few times.

"Sorry Hunny, you want another kiss?" I whisper back.

She moves her hand towards her tiny doll tucked in beside her, touches it so gently and says again,

"Piss baby?"

Now a real smiles spreads across my face. I kiss baby, and Klara one more time before leaving her to sleep.

Bryan and Numbers and Letters

I have to remind myself hes only 5. I have to remind myself he is not behind, but that Grace was very quick when it came to numbers and letters.

We struggle some days, at the table, and he whines about not want to do it. Sometimes I let him go figuring he is not ready, and homeschooling is a about meeting their needs. Watching and waiting for when they are ready, because when they are the results are better, quicker, and more rewarding for everyone. Sometimes I push, but that just results in a lot of frustration for everyone.

So back in December, with just Bryan and Klara one afternoon, imagine my surprise when he told me he wanted to write on the envelopes he was putting chocolates in for his sisters and dad.

Seize the day I did! And he was so proud, showing his dad as soon as he got home :)

As the new year begins, I promise myself I'll do simple things with him. Repetitive things, easy things, to get him thinking, get the mind working, but so he doesn't realize!

Simple, like calender ever day, (which he luves) and small words on the work whamer (leap frog toy).

But I remind myself to meet his need.. Figure out what he needs. Because he will do it, when hes ready.

The Big Question

The girls are putting on ballet slippers, in the playroom.

"How do you get a placenta in your tummy?" asks one.

With all the baby talk these day, this is a normal questions, right?

I think its also very normal that Grace and Angelina along with Klara have been pretending they are growing babies in their tummies too. (Right?)

"When you have a baby in your tummy your baby grows a placenta." Simple enough. End of convo.

Right?

No.

"I have eggs in my tummy, how do they turn into babies?"

EEK!! OH GOSH!! WHAT NOW???

"I don't feel like discussing this at the moment.Why don't you practice your ballet?"

 Several minutes later, they were busy and I have been saved for just a wee bit longer.

Golden Birthday

When you turn the number your birthday falls on on the calender, it is your golden birthday. I was 3, so it really didn't mean much to me at the time, but say like, when your turning 7, its a big thing! And on your golden birthday you receive something golden, of course.

On January 7th I woke my new 7 year old up and begged her to climb down from the bunk bed because I just couldn't lift her. We snuggled on the couch, and waited for daddy, and then she opened her presents. Along with a new bird feeder to watch the birds, and a book, she received a golden pendent with the letter G. We explained how this was super special, because it was once daddy's and since he shares her initial, it was now hers. She beamed.

After Daddy left for work we snuggled in front of the TV with the fire blazing, and had a cup of tea.

After supper was  dessert of Tim Bit tower cake, and singing Happy Birthday.

Party with friends and family,

Happy Birthday Grace!

I can't believe how fast the years are flying by....

The Magic of Christmas

My heart overflows with joy, and gratitude, and luv that is in and around this home.

The story we cling to and luv this Christmas morn. acted out time and time again..

I think of Mary, Christmas eve, so many years ago rubbing her belly, and waiting, and finally knowing the time was at hand she would meet her son. I rub my belly and think about how mommas who carry their babies in their bellies are connected.

Happy children, working so hard on homemade presents so eager to please, to give, and share the joy in their heart.

 Cooking and baking and packing good things to give away...

Friends with homemade goodies, hand written cards, hugs, and continue outpouring of luv. 

I will never forget the first `Baby P` on the card.

Something old made beautiful again.

My heart is overflowing.

Breakfast - Look at that belly way back there in the mirror!!

The gifting is gifted, the children have found a peaceful place to be and play and explore new treasures. New clothes tried on; hats, mitts, sweaters and undies. Things put together, and in its new rightful spot.

Peacefulness settles in.

My heart is filled with thankfulness as I sat down at my computer this morning to look out my front window and see new unwrapped toys on the van. I rushed out, bringing them in, calling to Goran as the children came running and we set them on the couch and looked. We seemed to be a bit stunned. We just looked. The question on who crossed our lips and was passed back and forth between Goran and I over and over.

Goran smiled saying how kind and thoughtful and seemed to be at peace about never knowing who. The children decided together who would enjoy what the most, (even a gift for baby 5) and I smiled and helped unpack and untie. Happy tears pooled in my eyes at the kindness bestowed us.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this, and know the gratitude in my heart at the kindness shown my family today.

The magic of Christmas is in out hearts. What we make of the time together, for family, friends, and strangers. I am thankful to teach my children these things, and for the community all around me, and how each of those people help to teach my family too.

``But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.`` NIV 1984 Luke 2:19

Again, I feel so connected to this woman that I have never met. It feels like I do the same in treasuring these moments in my heart. I have stop and watch Klara play peak-a-boo with Baka, and watch as Grace makes a picture with her art set. Angelina brings her new scrap book to be, and I notice how she is beaming with pride. I smile and watch Bryan organize his new toy tool set.

Blessings to you on this Christmas day!

My Heart Hurts for Newtown

The last few days have been bewildering for me. I was glued to the news on Friday as new reports kept coming in. I was confuse and overwhelmed. I had to, at one point, turn it off and walk away. I had to look into the faces around me, and connect. Interact, hug, hold, listen, remind myself where I was.

I cried. My heart swelled with my pain. I shook my head, and didn't know which way to look. I can't say I imagined the pain those parents are experiencing, because I don't want to feel that pain. I didn't put myself in there place, but I hurt thinking of those beautiful children, bounding into school that day, smiles on their faces, and their lives being torn away in second. As bedtime came and I tucked my wee ones in, I thought of the empty beds, of the parents who's lives are filled with this gaping hole, who were maybe looking at those empty  beds, begging every fiber in there body that this was a big bad terrible mistake and their child would come in the front door any minute.....

I have prayed. I have prayed that the families would hold each other in their pain. Weep together, clutch each other, and feel all the things they need to as they move through this. I have prayed that they know, they are not alone. Millions of people across the nation weep, and want to help.

As one day has turned into another I remain bewildered. It doesn't pass or lift, it entangles me. Wrapping around me as different stories come to light. Teachers hiding children in closets, tiny children 'playing' dead, a teaching whispering "I love you" to her students as they hide in a bathroom. She did this in fear that this was their last moments of life and she wanted them to know they were loved. Children crawling across the floor to hide in another room, and teachers throwing themselves in the way of a rain of bullets to protect their students.

 I read threw the news over and over. I think I keep going back to look for answers. That some magic answer will come up so we never have to worry about this again.

It doesn't.

So tonight I sit by my fire, computer on my lap, trying to put my thoughts down, being bewildered, but grateful for all I have.

Newtown, I weep and my heart bleeds.

The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;
the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions,
affecting many, many people.
--De Frain, 1991

You are not alone.