Sam joined us Sunday night at 10:59 pm. Not the
all the ways I had planned, or dreamed, or fantasied about. But, it was perfect. I've learned, that you can plan. All of it. Every detail. But in the end, you need to follow your heart, momma instinct, and that
that is the best. The out come of listening and trusting your body will almost always work out.
I had planned a peaceful, quiet home birth. Really just me and Goran, and midwives if need be. I dreamed of Goran catching this baby, lifting him to my chest, candle light, and the warm glow of the fire. We had that, for about an hour. Working through contractions, Goran helping how I needed, leaving me to it if I needed, the warm fire, and candle light. This was perfect.
But something shifted. Contractions intensified, in away I couldn't cope anymore. I was in the shower then, trying to cope, knowing transition is hard, knowing this was all coming fast. I gave a push and my water broke. I was almost there. I was shocked I was so close so fast, grateful, but something wasn't working right. I pushed, I changed positions and tried again. He wasn't moving. I tried again. And again. The intensity of contractions building, trying to help me, but making it harder and harder to cope. I was loosing control fast.
I moved again, tried pushing again, he still wasn't shifting. I was begging baby to come.
"I luv you Baby, I want to see you, hold you. Please come baby!" I begged during contractions.
Finally I looked at Goran.
"Please!" I begged him, leaned over in the tub, the shower belting on my body, hair dripping wet, "Please, We have to go in. He's not moving down, and I don't know why."
We talked about it a bit. Goran was afraid I'd be upset tomorrow if we went to the hospital. I assured him that was not case.
We agreed to try the midwives 1st, maybe they could help. We called. I spoke to a very nice midwife, but one I had never met before. I explained to her what was wrong, and told her we were going to the hospital. I decided I wasn't waiting for someone I didn't know, when I wasn't sure she could help me. She agreed to meet us there.
Neighbors came, Nana was called, we explained to the girls what was happening, and off we went.
It gets hazy at the hospital. I was begging for relief. They assessed I was complete, and told me to push. I told them I couldn't. Baby wasn't moving down. One nurse who assessed, 'checked' again. She determined that baby was brow presentation. I believe the same time she assessed me she pushed his head back a bit. Not much but enough that I was screaming at her to stop. I told her not to touch me. I know I wasn't very co-operative with anyone there, but once she had done that, my body was working hard again. Although I was out of my element, and uncomfortable, my body
was working hard again, and I could feel suddenly things had shifted in my favor.
I felt that old familiar urge to push! I was so thankful, knowing soon I would be holding my baby. I began pushing and the nurses were telling me to stop.
Really? I wanted to laugh.
I was laying on my side and baby needed room. I was trying to lift my leg and no one was helping.
"Lift my leg, please someone!" I yelled, as I pushed with all the energy I had.
I felt Gorans hand grab hold and lift. I could feel baby moving down with the contraction. I felt my body stretching. I pushed knowing he was coming. This was my plan. Feeling, knowing, trusting. My body was doing this. This was perfect.
I had my eyes closed, but could hear the nurses talking, a doctor came in. She was telling me to push, and then someone told me to stop.
Again? Good grief.
I heard the doctor tell the nurses it was fine. "She needs to push, its ok," or something to that effect.
"Open your eyes Kathryn," she said, "look at your baby," I was reaching down and pulling him up and he was in my arms.This was perfect.
From then on it was quick. I was taken care, cleaned up, a peed came and checked Sam. The midwife showed up at about that time and because I was under the care of a midwife, they said I was 'allowed' to go home. But before we could go home, Goran needed to go home get clothes for Sam, so I settled in for some luv and nursing my boy. The nurses didn't bother me in anyway. I was left alone, to bond and hold him and ground myself after the intensity of the experience of this birth. This was perfect.
This wasn't my plan but it was. My plan was to listen and trust my body. I believed I would know if everything was working, or if something wasn't working. When I knew something wasn't working, I still knew everything was OK, and everything would be OK.
Samuel - meaning God heard. I feel blessed, and truly believe God heard my prayers.
Isaiah - Isaiah 41:10 'fear not for I am with you....'
So fitting after all the fear this pregnancy carried. And this is my favorite Bible verse since childhood.
Recovery has been a bit slow, but its been a quiet week filled with quiet moments luving and holding Sam. Bonding, watching siblings come and go from my room, taking turns to hold Sam, and watching my hubby hold and fall in luv with our new son. Helping hands have never stopped pouring through the door, and the food in the freezer I froze before Same came, has come in awfully helpful!
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| falling in luv |
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| i luv you Sam. I'm your big brother, Bryan told him. |
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| wheres Sammy? she is always asking. |
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| Gracie, the other mommy. Always a willing set of arms. |
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| where is Sam? is her frequent questions |
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I linger over him. I watch him. I gaze at him. I can't believe he's here and hes mine. I nurse him, hold him, smell him and kiss him. 5 days have flown by, and I know time isn't going to slow down at all with 5 now. I move slow, I hold him close, I share him a bit, and take him back when I need too.
Sweet Goran has been here, making meals, cleaning up, helping with children, holding our tiny one, and luving me. We can hug close now, and we laugh about that. He goes back to work on Monday. O, I wish he could stay home another week...
This family of 7, it feels good and right, right now.
