Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving for us. Moving forward from the pain of all of the past few weeks has been new. Dealing with this and moving forward is new to me. This loss hurts. Talking to others has really helped. Some have been through similar loss and pain, and can empathize, some have not been through anything like this, but as good friends they listen and try to understand, hold my hand, or give a hug. It is healing. It comes to mind less, and less, and hurts less and less. I'm sad when I just let myself feel it. Sad that I am not pregnant. Sad that they tiny baby that was growing deep inside me, has died. Sad that the children won't be able to watch my belly grow, feel that baby kick, and that in April, we won't welcome that baby into our arms. Shortly after all this had ended, Angelina lay her head on my shoulder and said "I'm sad we won't have a baby."

But as I said we were healing, we are. My body is becoming whole again, and I am feeling well. We can go for long walking in the beautiful sunshine blessed on us so late in the year. I can slip the kids in the car and take the girls to ballet or the kids to swimming, and its OK. I'm not exhausted or overwhelmed coming home. I am joyfully beginning to plan ahead, cook meals from scratch, and bake muffins/cookies on a whim for now and/or later. I enjoy bath time and snuggle time again.

And this weekend came with healing balm of its own. My birthday party delayed come too! Friends, GREAT food made by a good friend, smiles, hugs, laughs,candles, cheers, and cake. Goran kept 10+ kids busy so the momma's could just visit.

A trip to the local farm for pumpkin picking, apple picking, hay rides, hay maze, and a corn maze. All 6 of us together, enjoying, smiling and laughing. Coming home to ham in the crock pot, quickly made squash, scalloped taters, apple cider, and warm buns from the oven. More candle light, but now with the man of my dreams and the children I have been blessed to watch grow and keep safe. They luved it. The candle light and apple cider in mugs. Finish with pumpkin pie warm from the oven and topped with whipped cream.

ballet buns.....watch, you'll find more!

i luv the way he is looking at his dad

tiny fingers

'hahaha! Take a picture of my bum'

It has been a beautiful weekend. A healing weekend with my family and friends. A weekend I am truly
thankful for. Company, weather, food, all blessing I am so so thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving!

{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

inspired by SouleMama

 

Happy Birthday

Where do I begin? I don't know. My heart hurts, but in the hurting, healing is happening. My body hurts, but as I slowly return to daily activities my body is mending, and heart with it.

'i can smell fall' she says 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he tripped and fell and wanted to hold MY hand. so rare

new shoes

 

 

sisters! i luv the happy smiles - so excited about ballet

friends sleeping son

playing nephew

she is growing so fast....

 Today was an exceptional day. My smiling kids greeted me outside the bathroom door with smiles and shouts "Happy Birthday" and hugs and gifts. I am so blessed.

"Mom" (that's me!)

2 big girls wrote their name, and Bryan drew the heart. <3

Dinner made by Mom and Dad, and cake made by my mother - in - law finished the quiet birthday in perfection.

cake #2

Happy Birthday! Another year gone by.

Hurting and Healing

I am thankful.

You read that right.

My heart is broken. Into a million pieces. My body hurts. Everywhere. Like after I have had my babies. Only today there is no tiny newborn for me to hold. There is no tiny toes to count touching each one as I go, and no sweat smell of my new born to breath in. And I need to feel this, I need to hurt, but in the mist of the worse of all of this, there is goodness.

My arms are not empty. Many times over the last few day my toddler has founds me, asking for up, for cuddles, for milk. At bed time last night, I hugged each one, feeling tiny arms wrap around me, and breathing in freshly bathed hair, feeling tiny chest rise and fall in these hugs. Hugs I hold onto for a bit to long, and they begin to squirm against me.

My family came in the middle of the crisis, words and hugs, caring for the children. Goran's support was immense the night all this began in earnest. Driving, talking, holding, luving. Encouraging me that we will get through this. And the words I needed to hear so badly, "When you are healed, when you are ready, we will try again." He knows me. This is why he is mine.

Friends came and filled my house with luv. I will always remember, hugs, talking and laughing, cooking, and laundry.  I did nothing. My counters and fridge were filled with food. The number of children in my house doubled, and it filled my heart with goodness. Toddlers playing, older children helping. My friends thought of my children, bringing  new things for them to try and do. One of the friends packed my kids in her van and took them out for fun. A friend came with her 3 month hold son for me to hold. I held him, and talked to him and he smiled at me. I rocked, and swayed and he drifted off to sleep. I will never forget the feeling of his body in my arms. Flowers were delivered, reminding me that the friends that can't be here, are praying for me, supporting me in every way they can. Phone calls, and email, chatting on facebook, it is a constant reminder I always have someone to call, in an instant.

I have sent them home now. I need Goran and the children here with me. Caring for me, and needing me. Them needing me is helping my heart to heal.

I am trusting this process. I am trusting my body, and my heart, to tell me what I need so I can move forward and start to feel normal. I want to feel normal. I want it to be 3 months from now, and to feel normal. I want to feel whole.

I took the kids out for a walk. I breathed in the fresh fall air, and wondered when the leaves began to fall. I snapped pictures, and pushed the stroller at then same time. The dog got all tangled in my legs. The sun was shining, and it felt good to feel it on my face. The children walked and talked, and Angelina snapped pictures with her camera.

peek...

...a boo!

Normal? No. Healing? Slowly.

In An Instant

My heart was fluttering so fast in my chest this morning as I lay on the ultra sound tec table. I held my breath and waited. I felt the wand on my tummy and watched the screen. Panic rose inside me trying to claw its way out. My eyes knew in an instant what my heart as known all weekend. There was no heart beat.

I felt my heart breaking.  

There were words passed back and forth between me and technician. He was very kind and confirmed what I already knew. He told me he was very sorry.

I left the building and hurried to the van through the cold wet rain. I turned the key, the engine started and I  let the wipers go swish, swish, over and over.Goran called and we exchanged words of love and support to each other. He was amazing.

Thank you, each and every one of  you, for all you thoughts, and supports and prayers. This hurts, but I am not alone, and that makes all the difference.
 

Standing Still

I am waiting. I feel like time is standing still. I feel like I am holding my breath. Monday will be that day that tells all. It will tell me whether this baby is OK, or not. What a frightening thought. In an instant, I will know. I will either see a flicker of a heart beat or not.

Today has been another good day, with not reoccurrences of Friday. I continue to have the symptoms I have had throughout this pregnancy. Nothing has changed that way. I have done more usual things today then yesterday, with some resting and a nap. Some things I'm afraid to do, but necessity and 4 children need me. I hold my breath and more forward through the day, one step at a time.

This is me and Goran's wedding text. I am repeating it over and over in my head. 

Thank you for your words of support, your kindness, encouragement, and love. 

Prayers are my request as today turns into tomorrow.

Faith

I can not begin to explain the comfort and support I have felt from my family and friends over the last 24 hours. The kind words, gestures, prayers, messages, and offers of help. I know I am not alone. I know I have friends to call on if this becomes an emergency. I know I have friends to celebrate with if all turns out well.  I know people have carried me in their thoughts today, and have prayed for me and wee babe. 

Everything has been good today, with no reoccurrences  of yesterday.

Every one deals with pain and fear differently. Me I went back to my roots in the last 24 hours.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

"I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:19 (NIV) 

I have felt peace, and calmness, and reassurance. I have rested in that. I rested in the fact that I am not alone.

I am thankful. For everyone of my friends.

I have reassured the children more then once today, that things look good, and mommy feels well. I explained again, 'We don't know for sure, but it all looks OK today'.

Bryan grasps it in a small way. "I want the baby in your tummy to be a boy."

Angelina helped every way she could today...voluteering to dry the dishes, help with the babies, and carry my purse while we were out.

Grace feels it differently. She snuggles against me. "Put your arm around me and snuggle me Mommy."

I turned back to my roots again, looking for more. Seeking. Here is what I found,

“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” -  John 1:16

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5

“Children too are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward.” – Psalm 127:3

“For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

The proof of  blessing, support is here in front of me again and again. I find comfort in this. Each one of our babies, all 8 have been a blessing, even for the ones that I only carried a brief time. We rejoiced when we found out, and cried together when we lost. Every baby has brought Goran and I closer, and my friends surrounded me with love and support. I am moving forward in this right now.

And in faith today, while out with my 4 little luvs,

"But Mom," says Angelina, "we don't know if the baby is ok.."

"Everything looks good today Honey, we are hoping."