Where Is My Baby?

It is early but I could see the morning light through my eyelids. It's quiet, not a sound through the house. I lay quiet, my eyes still closed. I can feel my husband behind me. His body is stretched against mine. I reach in front of me for the baby. Nothing. Uh? Suddenly my mind starts to scramble. My eyes fly open, and I push the big beige flower comforter away. I feel for him in the blankets. Not there! Ahhh! My mind is in full panic mood now. Where is he? I flip over and look beside my husband. I am searching with my eyes, and feeling with my hands at the same time. A leg, an arm, anything. I reach down and am feeling below the knees.....wait.....did he come in last night? My fumbling in the blankets stop and I freeze as I am, trying to remember. I don't remember him coming in last night. He usually stands by the bed and cries till I pick him up. That didn't happen last night. I sit up and then fall back on the pillow. He slept through the night. I smile. He slept through the night. The smile slides off my face. Is he OK? Maybe....my mind is wondering to undesirable things. No, I tell myself, he just slept through the night. No big deal, they all do that eventually.

I check the time. 5:45am. I can sleep some more. I close my eyes, ready to sleep. My mind instantly wonders if the little one really is OK. I lay there for a few minutes, wondering, worrying... FORGET IT! I'm checking.

There he is, horizontal in his double bed. Belly down, face turned to one side. Completely uncovered. I lean over him and place my hand on his back. I feel his back move up and down, up and down, as he breaths. He's OK. I cover him up.

Now, I can go back to sleep :)

Potty Update for Bryan

I am pleasantly surprised! He is doing really well. He understands holding it, and as long as I tell him, "We are almost there, save the pee pee for the potty," or something similar, he will almost always hold it. He has had a few poop accidents in the last week, but tonight he pooped and then cried and walked around with his legs apart because he didn't like the way it felt. He is often waking up dry! The last 3 morning in a row, and several mornings last week. One night I thought we would try undies. Well he came to bed some time during the night (as he usually does) and I remember waking up feeling wet and yucky. Gross. I was covered in baby pee, and because of that, I was cold. I have been too afraid to try that again. If he wakes up dry for a week straight, I might try again. It seems to be that period of time between 10:00am and lunch that he has a pee accident. Almost every day. Maybe I'm not catching it...or he's avoiding me...I'm not sure. He has done so well in the last 2 weeks, I know he'll figure this out. So now that he can hold it, and wait for me to put him on, I am talking to him, and trying to get him to communicate his need to pee to me. Things like, "Do you need to pee?(if he nods) Oh, you do? Tell mommy, 'Pee pee mommy, pee pee,' Okay, lets go!" I'm not to worried. By this time next year he will have it all figured out, and be able to do it himself!

Now I'm just happy to be almost done diaper for awhile. Until we(I) decide its time for number 4...LOL! But not yet. I just want to enjoy this no diapers for now.

I just have to download my pics of the little man in his undies and I will post some. But right now I have to go change a wet underwear...go figure...LOL..

Oh Kids!

Whether she understood how guilty and sorry we felt for her, or was responding to the extra attention we were giving her, or she was reacting to the situation itself yesterday, Grace was extra pickley today. She started the day out slapping, screaming, etc. After a brief 'calming down time' (sounds better then time out) in her room, her mood seem to shift and she was OK again. I did speak with her this morning about it. I reminded her of her tools, telling her friends to "STOP IT", or walking away. She nodded and seemed to understand that. She has got to practice that a bit today, and I heard a few time yells of "STOP IT!" (Bryan chimes in after, "Stop it!")

I just worry. I couldn't sleep last night and was awake when Goran came home. I spilled my beans and told him the story. "Aw, poor Grace," he said. I remember being teased and taunted as a child, and he did too. (Here I thought I was the only one.) I don't want Grace to look back and remember it as a painful experience, but something mommy taught her how to deal with. My mom and sisters taught me the "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me," rhyme. That didn't help me, it only egged on my teasers more.

But then I wonder if I'm making way more of this then I should. Maybe, at 3, she didn't really understand it all, and could have cared less. Maybe she won't remember, (likely not at her age) and it will be forgotten and never thought of again. Or maybe it is just one of many childhood incidents that will scar her, and leave her hurting and fearful to trust people....One of those things that will always be there...

The trauma I felt yesterday is over. But the fear is present in my heart. On the bright side, she is playing and laughing and happy today. I must be doing something right.

Witness

I witnessed one of the things I fear for my children. How do I stop it? How do I give them the tools to stand up and say "Stop it!"? My heart bled for poor Grace today.

It was the end of the day. We had walked to the park with some daycare friends and were walking them home. We met a few neighborhood children, and the mom of the children I had, on the way. The mom and I were chatting and the children were running up and down the sidewalk playing. As we were talking I could here chatting coming from the children. They were 2-3 houses down the street. I had to stop talking to hear them. "Gracie is a baby, Gracie is a baby..."My heart sunk. Gracie was standing there trying to hide behind a tree, 3 other children standing in front of her (Angelina was amongst them) chanting these nasty works at my Gracie. Gracie who is stuck in the middle. Gracie, who doesn't know if she is a big girl or a baby, but is trying so hard to find her place. Another mother heard and came flying out of a nearby house to put a stop to it, and I raised my voice in Gracie's defense. The situation diffused quickly. Within a few minutes Gracie came to me and climbed into Bryan's abandoned stroller. I tried to speak to Grace about it but she wouldn't look at me. I stopped her and said "Grace, look at mommy." She obliged. "Are you Ok Grace?" I asked her. "Mommy, I like your pretty hair," she said...trying to change the subject like she has a tendency to do when something is bothering her. She was looking me straight in the eyes, and I could see her hurt there. I couldn't get a clear answer out of her, and gave up. Then, to add to it all, (and this really bothers me) the mom I had been talking to goes as far as to defend the children picking on Grace! How dare you! If it had been your daughter they were picking on it would have been a different story!

So about a week ago I posted a blog about my fears for my children, and steps forward I am taking to try to get past it. But this is just another example. I don't want my children, any of them, ridiculed or picked on. I want them to have the tools to stand up for themselves and others when need be. But how do I do that? I teach them the words to use so often, "Stop it!' "I don't like it"(remembering that they are still small), but for some reason Grace stood there, seemingly defenseless.

Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart, and my fear for my childrens physical and emotional safety continues to be a great a concern.

"Gracie, I'm sorry I could not stop your hurt today. Mommy is sorry I haven't given you the tools to stand up for yourself. I hope and pray I can change this, and together we can grow and learn, and prepare you for whatever tomorrow brings. I luv you Sweetheart."

The Potty Busines Update, and That Bear With Big Teeth

Updating Bryan's potty improvement. We've had our up and downs, and I have thought of giving up. But Goran and Kristyn have encouraged me so I have continued on. I am happy I did.

Monday and Tuesday last week were fantastic!! Holding it forever and few accidents...if any. The rest of the week was emotional highs and lows. Just when I thought he was getting it, he would poop his pants. Then, when I would be feeling so discouraged and wondering if I should put him back in diapers, I'd put him on the potty and he'd pee immediately. It was a lot of up and downs. I was ready to through in the towel. I talked to Goran about my concerns. To early, not old enough, doesn't understand...the list went on. "I'm sorry your frustrated,"he said. "He'll get it, don't give up." Two different sentences, exactly what I needed. Sympathy, and encouragement. Kristyn came and we talked some more. She has this great way of observing for awhile, and then giving her opinion. Before she left she said, "He gets it Kathryn. He knows where it goes, he just needs to figure out what it means to feel like he has to pee or poop. He'll figure it out, don't give up." Again really good to hear.

I had been hoping for the great revelation, and some wonderful, "He gets it, he's done!" comments to put up. But instead I sit here with the battle goes on, and learning continues. But I have observed some revelations when I comes to this potty stuff. Just in the last 2 days I've found he can hold on for about and hour and half. And now when I put him on, he pees and he's done in under 3 minutes. There is some protest, but the sooner I leave him and let him at it, the sooner he pees. And now when he pees or poops, he will come into the kitchen and will stand there (mostly naked) until I ask him, "Did you pee/pooh?" He will nod yes if he did. Or sometimes he stands up from the potty and yells "Aha!" and points into the potty letting me know he's 'done it'.

Progress is there, just slower then I wanted. But, slow and steady wins the race, right?
I will post pics of him in his undies this week.


And here is the picture of Angelina with the 'dentist bear'. One freaky bear if you ask me!

1 piture

Here is the one picture I have of Angelina the very first time she went with Goran, just to watch and see what it was like. As you can see she got a chance to sit in the chair. Lets say for records sake, she was 5 when this picture was take :)

I'm not quit sure how to get the other picture on the computer (it has to be scanned on first and I have no clue how that's done)when I have that crazy bear with the huge teeth on the computer ...don't worry I will put it up for you all to see....and you'll see what I mean!

A Trip to the Dentist

Angelina had her first official visit to the dentist! I had to blog because of what she did this morning...it was so cute!

A few months ago Goran took her with him so she could see a cleaning and sit in the chair. We have a cute picture I will post. (Its Goran's job to do the dentist.....they freak me out) Yesterday she went for a check up and cleaning(I guess because I'm not exactly sure what they do). She came home quit excited about her new tooth brush(a princess one), sparkling white teeth, and a picture of herself in the chair with this funny looking teddy bear with huge teeth. (The practice bear?) She was perfect, and had perfect teeth.

This morning the bathroom door was shut, and I couldn't find the girls. Humm...I had better investigate I thought to myself. And upon investigating I found Angelina diligently brushing those pearly whites, give Grace a lesson on brushing her teeth. It was very cute, and I let her proceed...but I tell you, she was in there so long, its a wonder she didn't brush them away!!

I will post the pics later today.