Its About the Journey

(I'm sorry for the crazy images. Its really the sound that matters, nothing else. And although it may look like strange body parts, I promise, its all appropriate!)

Last Monday my fears were ever present as we set off for the midwife. I was terrified there would be no little heart beat. I was on edge, nervous and emotional. The moment of truth and that little heart beat was so strong, I felt the tears pooling and blinked them away. The kids sat in awe, and Goran sat on chair the by the door with the 'I told you so look' in his eyes.

Everyone has tried to reassure me. But my heart was not as ease. I had not been able to embrace this pregnancy and the hope for a wee babe in February to hold. The fear, that voice in my head was constantly reminding me 'there are no guarantees'.

So, it was with reservation we left the midwives office. I smiled, and pretended to be relieved, but the voice was still there.

A dear friend came shortly after arriving home, arms open with a huge hug.

"Do you feel better?" She smiled.

"Yes.....but.....there are no guarantees right?"

There I said it. It was out there.

"No..." she agreed. "But its about the journey, right?"

That hit a cord.

Absolutely!

I realize this past week how afraid I've been.

I've been afraid to tell people I'm pregnant, because I don't want to tell them I've lost a baby, if that should happen.

As I have moved through the week, I've thought about this journey a lot. What do I want to remember from it? What do I want to be feeling?

I have changed paths. I have left the old one and skipped over to a new one. One with wonder, new things to learn, see and do, and full of all the people I luv to help me along the way.

So, instead of letting fear hold me, I have read everything about baby in the 12th week I can lay hands on. I have begun rubbing baby belly, and talking to this wee one. I have read by week 18 baby can hear! I recite  these things off to Goran, and tell him a new fact every day. Like by 13 weeks baby has finger prints!

I allow myself to dream of this soft baby head nestled in my neck and the sweet smell of new born baby. I look at baby clothes used once for the now big wee ones, and wonder whether we will welcome a baby boy or girl into our home. My wee ones and I are excited and we talk together about whether we will have a boy or a girl. 

This is the journey I'm choosing.