Just Have Faith

"So how do I know if it's ok?" I text a friend today.

"You don't." She replied. "You have faith, and enjoy each moment."

Life has its ups and downs.

Sometimes you wonder if its all going to be ok.

Just have faith.

Even in the bad have faith that the good it coming.

Flurry of phone calls and discussions lead to a  flurry of towels and bathing suits flown on in a hurry as we packed sandwiches, canteens, and cameras for the beach.

This renews my faith.

Strength in numbers.

Helping.

Just watching them play.

Making friends,

whether big or small.

Its these things, these simple things that renew my faith.

These 4 little people are the reason I renew my faith. They keep my moving, through their luv, their innocence, and their faith in me.

Just have faith.

 

Hows that? Right before I hit post, Angelina yells, "A rainbow!!!" A sign, right outside my window!! 

In Their Honor

We gathered. Ballet mom's and dad's. Some grandma's and grandpa's and neighbors and friends. We brought plastic covered treats and tupperware containers of  more treats. We talked nervously as they practiced one last time.

We filed in and found seats. The room hushed.

I sat in silence at magic unfolded before my eyes.

My camera lay forgotten in lap for a bit as watched in aw.

The concentration.

The dedication.

The beauty.

I finally remembered my camera in my lap, and picked it up, snapping what I could between the tears that kept slipping out of the corners of  my eyes and sliding silently down my cheeks.

The opportunity to raise them, luv them, watch them, and be part of their lives.

Oh what a blessing

Happy 2nd Birthday Klara

Dearest Klara

Oh where do I start? I don't know. At the beginning, holding and shaking and watching that line turn pink. Knowing, already knowing, before it turned pink that you were there. Growing, and changing me, and becoming the person you were meant to be. I relished my pregnancy. The morning sickness was bad, but I found great comfort in knowing it meant you were growing well. I spent hours laying on the couch feeling wiggles and jiggles, that turned into kicks and rolls. I would lay Daddy's hand on my growing belly so he could feel you moving. Your sisters and brother would put their hands on me and feel you move and wonder if you were a brother or a sister. We laughed at the funny names Angelina and Grace and Bryan came up for you. When my belly was very round, and you were very big, I took turns resting on the couch reading stories, and walking along the streets to the parks with the big kids.

And then the day came. You were working my body hard to tell me to get ready. Telling me it was time for you to come. I went to bed for one last night, being a pregnant Momma.

By 6:30am I was the momma of a band new baby girl. I pulled your slipper self onto my chest, and I drank you in. I kissed you, and held you, and treasured that moment. You are a girl, as I thought all along.

You made us a family of 6. You were an amazing baby. You nursed, slept, played, nursed and slept. I could bring you anywhere, and never worry.

This past year you have learned many new things.

You walked. December 4th, you decided that was the day to walk, and you started going back and forth between Daddy and I  in the kitchen. Yeah!! You were doing it!! (Finally)

You are beginning to pick up words, and telling us things, and making a perfect place for yourself in our family.

You luved to swim last year, and upon putting up the pool this year, you still luv it! In you go, walking and splashing and laughing!! Up the ladder, down the ladder, back and forth across you go.

In September I lost a baby. I was so so thankful for you. For the bond we had, the way you would come to me and nurse, and snuggle in and rest with me. You gave me peace, and helped to heal my soul.

We had a party to celebrate you. people came and we sang, and the children swam, and you laughed and were happy and trilled, and glowing. Almost like you knew it was your day!!

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. Thank you for coming home to us 2 years ago, for making us your family, and blessing us so abundantly!

These Days - Blessings

Oh, they are days filled with blessings. Reconnecting as a family after too many weekends apart.

Beach days,

backyard BBQs,

and a stroll to the park.

It has been good!!

These days feel like summer. With sand castles,

and picnic with friends.

The warm warm weather has all the windows open,

cats sitting in open windows, catching the breeze and watching the birds.

and fans going around and around. The swimming pool is up, and the kids are in and out of it all day long!

The routine is falling into place, and the family, young and old are settling into the comfort that brings. All of us crave the routine, the simplicity of sitting down for a meal together, the chore list, and everyone pitching in to help. Finding the right time in the day to sit together, and knowing when is a good time to work hard and get 'things done'.

My heart is feeling peaceful, and settled.

Too Big

Sometimes the things of the heart are just too big. Too big to describe, to put into words, to explain to someone else so they can feel all the things another feels.

Its been one of those days. I'm feeling overwhelmed, and tired, and was just looking forward to tucking into bed with my 2 weest ones. Cuddling them close and feeling the peace of their sleep wash over me. I had tucked them in, and went to kiss my big girls one last time and tuck covers under their little chins. As I climbed up the stairs, I could here Raffi playing and was a bit confused. I found my 2 weest ones had deserted me for their own beds and some music.

Even this does not go my way. I want to clench my fists and thrash in my bed and beat the pillows. I just do. Its not fair. I want to cry about it and let it all out.

But I turn here to my little space instead. I turn my thoughts to things I'm so thankful for my heart swells.

Mothers.

My mom 1st. For the person she is, and raising me to be the mom I am today. For luving my babies and  teaching and guiding them to be great people too some day!

My mother in law. She raised my husband. He is passionate and strong. He is hard working and dedicated. She had a hand in all of that.

My very best friend. We rejoiced together when our babies entered the world and made us momma's.We've wept together when the problems of life just seem to big to bear. We support, encourage, guide, and listen. I don't know where I'd be without her.

A momma friend who inspires me. Inspires me to to learn more, do more, and be more. She is calm and easy going, and at the same time pushes me just a bit out of my comfort zone to help me grow.

The list continues. Never ends. But that is my list today.

Mothers Day

The luv I felt in the room as 3 shy faces found me, and brought me treasures so luvingly picked.

Bryan actually re-gifted the perfume. it was already mine, but he gave it to me - again.

My heart swelled and swelled, the tears pooled in my eyes, and my voice choked. I couldn't even get out a thank you. Little things that cost only pennies, but they know me, what I like and what puts a smile on my face. I thank God every day for this. This luv in my heart, and in my home. For these amazing little people whom I luv unconditionally. No matter what, for always.

Mothers day ended with a campfire. Little ones sitting on Nana and Paka's knee, eating smores, and begging for more. It is a treasured memory I slipped in the space in my heart. On of those times I will never forget! 

Just the Way it Is

Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. The secret is removing divorce as
an option. Anybody who gives themselves that option will get a divorce.
Will Smith

I'm not advocating for loveless marriages. But it's also the case that marriage
doesn't make us happy every day. No marriage does, but your marriage serves
as so much more than just a vehicle for immediate individual adult needs. It makes
one world for your child, and children will tell you that means everything to them.
Elizabeth Marquardt

 Dear Abby: Some months ago, you printed a letter from a reader
who was disturbed that the spark was gone from her marriage.
I asked my husband whether the spark is gone from our 18-year marriage.
His response: "A spark lasts only a second. It lights a fire. When
the flame burns down, we are left with the hottest part of the fire,
the embers, which burn the longest and keep the fire alive."
Betty in Cap May, N.J.


I'm choosing to remember that sometimes its just the way it is. Marriage is marriage. Sometimes its like a fairy tail. Green fields free of thistles, and  buzzing with stinger-less bees. Unicorns grazing in the background and rainbows decorating the horizon. Holding hands as the sunsets, and a kiss that rocks the moon into orbit. But sometimes its hard. Sometimes you step in a thistle, or those bees grow stingers. The unicorns turn into dragons, and the rainbows fade as the clouds roll in and cover the sun. Holding hands seems to like to much work. And the kissing as the sunsets? Really? That just seems like a joke.

I am remembering that sticking through the storms is what makes it worth it. Knowing I will always have him there, to hold my hand through the storm, is worth knowing we come out triumphant on the other side. Raising our hands together as the dawn breaks new with water droplets on the green grass like diamonds sparkling in the the fresh sun. 

Through all the marriage stuff, because of the marriage stuff, there is the kid thing. The amazing fact that my wee ones are here, because of the man I married. Because of the man I am married to, I have these 4 really amazing kids. I am blessed. Always always blessed.

Blessed to take these kids out for dinner after the very cool dentist gave us free pizzas (after fillings!).  Just me and them sitting in the booth, chatting and coloring and drinking chocolate milk, and eating good good pizza.

Even when the storm clouds roll in, there are these rays of sunshine shining through.

Life is good. Its not always roses. But if I can step back, look at the big picture, where we've been, where we are, and where we're headed, it is good. It brings a smile to my face.