10 Days...and walking for today :)

10 days to go. The sun is shining and it is warm and lovely out. Kristyn is coming with wee ones tomorrow to fill my day with smiles, laughter and good food as usual :) I am happy about that. My belly is big and round, and the baby is moving and kicking in every which way. Hopefully baby wants out, as much as I want him/her out!

Goran and I talked last night. I explained all the fears and uncertainties I had. I explained how it was my choice and in the end everyone would either tell me I did the right thing, or tell me I did the very very wrong thing. He asked for details, which we've never gone into before. What happens if baby is breech in labor? What about transverse? How would a transversion work? Is the baby or you in danger now/today? In the end he shook his head at the system thinking it was all quit unfair and said for now I have made the best decision. If I go into labor we will re-asses then, or if the midwife has new/different info on Tuesday or the same info, we would then discuss it all again. It made me feel good to know he supported the decision I had already come too.

So today I will go for a few good walk, do a bit of baking, vacuum and wash the floors (hands and knees:) and try to get the laundry done. Already I have started with 2 small loafs of banana bread, we walked Angelina to school and the laundry is waiting to be separated. A good start to the day. And my mom has sent me a quick message to let me know 2 baby blankets are in the making. A pink one and a blue one....just in case I'm wrong about a girl :)

Hoping baby is head down - or moves that way today!!

11 Days To Go

I'm almost there!! 11 days to go to by the day I estimate as my Edd. May the 24th, 2010. I should be excited, and joyful, alternating between resting and preparing. I am looking forward to holding my baby. To seeing if I have been carrying a little girl or a little boy. I am looking forward to introducing the children to a new brother or sister. I am looking forward to nursing again. I weened the youngest when I found out I was pregnant, and I miss that. I am looking forward to presenting a new baby to my husband.

But I'm worried at the same time. I saw the midwife 2 days ago, and the baby was laying transverse. I*sigh*here heavily. My baby's have all moved around a lot. They were concerned last time, and Bryan came out head first, beautiful, healthy, and crying. I had to tell my midwife, as she laughed nervously that she should be my source of empowerment, not the other way around. Oh, she stopped laughing, well yes, she said, a bit shamefully. I have chosen to let my baby get to where it needs to be, the way it needs to do that. I felt like I was fighting with her, for my right to birth my baby how and where I wanted. She actually suggested having an OB turn the baby, breaking my water and having the baby in the hospital!!! What?? Me?? I felt I made the best choice I could picking a midwife over an OB, but I still feel let down by the system. There are still things, if its footling breech, or other such things, they would rush me in. No discussion. And for what in the end? A very disappointed mama, and a baby whom I betrayed. Women birth babies all over the world, in many many different ways. Most of the time it works out because babies in the womb are resilient. But here, today, in our society and culture, anything but head first is not normal and considered risky?? How strange and odd.

My second daughter was born at home. My first home birth. She came down my birth canal and crowned face presentation!!!! My midwife did not realize. I am so so so thankful. Had she known upon arrival we would have gone to the hospital and they would have taken her out of my body. Yes, I would have ended up with c-section. And for what? She came out screaming for her mama, and I was the most empowered woman on the planet! Not only had I birthed my baby at home, I had pushed her out face first!

During my second pregnancy I was afraid of the birth. Of the pain. The unknown and fear of what ifs. What if my body betrayed me? I didn't want to talk about it. Going to the hospital terrified me. The lights, bossy nurses, the rubber gloves, interns dieing to 'check' you every 1/2 hour. It was awful the first time around. Now, the pain does not scare me. I am not afraid that my body with betray me. I am afraid that the people I have trusted to walk through this, with me, will. I am afraid their fear will spill over, and they will take the drastic ambulance/hospital rout. And that at the time, their fear will become mine and I will agree, and end up in c-section. A c-section. That is my biggest fear. Surrendering to a doctor, a knife, a scar I will have forever, a baby they will take from me to 'check over' because my baby hasn't been able to clear his/her air way by coming down my birth canal. The shame after wards. Wondering if I had fought harder, would it had all worked out??

I am trying to remain positive. I am walking to bring that big head 'down'. I am preparing; baking, cooking and cleaning to get things ready for the arrival of my baby. I have seeked out support from people who I know can and will support my decision.

So hopefully in/by 11 days from I am holding a beautiful slippery screaming baby, and did it all at home.

Growing

Things are growing around here! We have planted seeds; beans, pumpkins, and avocado. The avocado's will hopefully become pleasant house plants, and the bean and pumpkins, the kids will watch grow through the spring and summer, and pick as they become ready. It would be nice if we had some nice pumpkins to carve into jack-o-lanterns come October.

As the children point out daily, I am growing as well. 4 weeks to go, and as each day goes by, I am more and more ready to battle birth and win :) Yes, it will be painful, and I won't like it, but it will be really nice to have a baby to hold! An even trade off if you ask me. Grace will tell me things like, "Wow, your belly sure is getting big." Or ask, "Is your baby ready to come out yet?" Angelina has the concept and understand of counting down the time. She knows the baby is coming at the end of May, and is counting down with me. Often at a quiet time of day, I will be sitting or laying, and the children will come and put their little hands on my belly. "Where is the bum? Feet? Head?" they ask. They talk to the baby to try to coax him/her to move, or I will give a nudge so they feel some movement. Their little faces break into a grin, and their eyes twinkle when they feel the baby.

I'm big and awkward right now. I don't 'like' that part to much. I get tired easier, and going for long walks is hard, as it seems I need to be close to a bathroom all the time, and once I really get going those braxton hix pick up, and I feel quit uncomfortable. Sleeping is hard with terrible indigestion, and a painful pelvic region. But for each of these things I find a way to make it work. I arrange 4 pillows at night so I can sleep. I take gaviscon to bed to help with the indigestion. We go for walks, but stay close by, just go around the block 5 times :) and the braxton hix....breath deep, in - out - in - out, I know they are getting me ready. But there are parts I like and will miss. The baby moving, and the kids feeling and watching. My husbands hand giving my belly a rub. Yes, soon its over and those things I will miss.

So I decide to enjoy the day for what it is, and leave the worries in yesterday. I only get today once, and its sunny and beautiful out!!

Today, I will watch things grow :)

34 weeks, Gender Guesses Anyone??

34 weeks, Gender Guesses Anyone??

Its Growing - Its Coming

My belly - aka baby - is growing, and labor day is coming. I remember feeling this way with Bryan too. The feeling of fear and dread as the day of labor approached. Why? Grace was my 1st true natural birth, and it hurt. As much as I want so badly to hold this baby in my arms, a phase keeps going through my head "What have you gotten yourself into?" I am definetly not ready, today, to go through the pain of childbirth to have that. Because that is what it is. Pain. I remember crying out, clutching my belly, and thinking an epidural with my legs up and my head on a pillow sleeping, sounded pretty good. I remember that feeling of thinking I couldn't go on another minute. I got crappy and snapped at the midwives and Goran and anyone else who dared to say anything to me. And then somewhere deep inside, I pulled from my pool of strength, all I had left in me, and did it. I took a deep breath, and faced my fear. It seemed only minutes from that decision that I felt that urge to push, knowing that soon it would be over.

I think this is the beauty of pregnancy. Because today, no, I'm in no way ready to go through labor. But in 10 weeks from now, another 5 lbs from now, and a bigger belly, contractions coming

and going for the last 4 weeks, I will somewhere along the line decide I am ready to go through labor to 1. have my baby in my arms instead of in my body, 2. to be able to touch my toes! 3. to just simply have my body back so I can breath again, 4. to be able to sleep again (although people forget they have a baby to be up for)

Yes, in the end pregnancy is aquard and exhausting. I have a hard time moving, eating, sleeping, and yes breathing. God planned pregnancy well, I think! Knowing in the beginning no woman wants to 'labor', but by the end, 9 months of growing and waiting, EVERY woman is ready to do it.

I am in the homestretch. Tired and crappy, but not quite ready yet...LOL. 29-30 weeks along. Baby is moving through out the day, and a nice reminder of days ahead of a baby in my arms :) Last week baby was head up...so fingers crossed for a head down baby next midwife visit, and that baby stays that way. Bryan kept us holding our breath till labor started as he flipped and flopped till 38 weeks.

That's it for now, I will post some more pics soon.

Febuary - Finally Some Snow

1. Angelina making snow angels

2.Bryan helping Daddy cleaning the driveway

3. Gracie with this crazy lump of snow she found on our walk and insisted on carrying home. Even though we had some at home..LOL She is sitting and resting, because she was tired here

4. All 3 of them, with the 1st snowmen they ever made on their own!!

We have been enjoying some snow, finally. The kids are busy, sledding around in it, and building snow men. They really luv it. And I'm happy to say that I'm glad it stays lighter longer, and we have been able to get out and enjoy some sunshine before supper. We go for a nice walk, and the kids laugh and play and talk along the way.

And I am feeling good. I am between 27-28 weeks, and I can feel the baby moving all the time. Yesterday I was in the laundry room with Goran while he was hammering something, and every time he banged the nail, the baby jumped :) Its so nice, even now while we can't see the baby, or even know whether we are having a boy or girl, this wee one responds to us. He/she can hear us. Sometimes when I am in the kitchen banging pots and pans getting supper ready, baby will be kicking and I imagen, complaining a bit. So I will rub my belly and tell baby that everything is fine, I am just getting supper ready for all the sisters, and brother he has out here :) The baby definitely likes it when I am busy, and moving. He/she seems more settled, enjoying the ride. But I can remember Bryan complaining every time I sat down. Or in bed at night, I can remember him being so active, I couldn't' sleep at times! This baby seems a bit more laid back. Hasn't kept me up once yet. Bryan has a real thing about the baby too. Lifting up my shirt and rubbing my belly. He actually lifts up the arm of his shirt and rubs his forarm on it...LOL. And he talks to the baby. He will ask about the baby, if he sees new baby gear coming in, or the 'baby draw' "When baby come?" he will ask.

Babycentre.com says baby is jus over 2lb right now about 14 inches long, and will respond to light on my tummy by turning towards it!! I think thats amazing!! So baby is definetly responding to all of us in turn, depending on who is talking with me, or making loud noises, but I'm not sure you could say baby is interacting with us. But I will pretend he/she is, because its a nice thought.

As most people expect, we are planning a lovely quiet homebirth. I day dream more and more about when the baby is here. A nice quiet summer, nice strolls with the baby in the sling, and the other 3 near by. Warm sunny days spent at the splash pad, with a picnic. All in good time.

Happy 4th Birthday Grace

We luv you so much Grace!!

4 years ago, I did it! I had my coveted home birth. I battled childbirth, 100% naturally, just like I had so badly wanted, and I won! I cried out in pain, when the contractions became to much, and breathed deep to catch myself in between. I remember the support and encouragement from my birth team. I remember Goran wanting so badly to go out for a smoke and begging him not to. ( He didn't! He stayed!)

I remember the first glimpse of her face! I remember what it felt like when I pushed her from my body. The first feeble cries, and Goran cutting the cord. I remember them tucking her in beside me, telling me she needed "Mommy" and feeling so proud to here those words.

Here we are 4 years later. Now we celebrate this sweet girls birthday. Sometimes I think she is a 4 year old monkey! She is rumbustious, and clever. She likes to playfully repeat..."Daddy said______". Sometimes she comes up with her own dialog, using this time to use forbidden words....LOL....yes that is my 2nd child:) She can be the sweetest and most caring child, sharing new toys, and be the first to give a hug to someone who's hurt. She seems to so really understand feelings! Even when someone is just feeling 'blue' she wants fix it. Or if someone is really happy, she wants to join it the fun, and giggle and shout with glee. She is tender and sweet with babies, and really luvs them. She holds them gently, and will sing and rock them for hours on end - real or just dolls! She like to help out. Doing some dusting, folding face cloths, or feeding small ones that need a hand.

She is our Grace. Silly and funny, sweet and lovable and irreplaceable!

Happy Birthday big girl! I hope you have a fantastic day, love your new PJ's, and have enjoyed spending the day in them!!

This is what I mean. 'Gracie, smile!"

Gracie

Gracie gave her sues sues to Baby Zachary this year!

Gracie and her cousin Abby!