Grieving for Evelyn 3 Months

This May was supposed to be a dream come true for my very best friend. After years of uncertainty, pain, fear, rebuilding, relearning, finding a new normal, moving forward, a great surprise, and finally all the pieces falling together, one more piece was finally falling into place.

She has supported me through all my pregnancies. Rubbed my ever growing belly countless times. She has been there through several births to photograph, support, tend to my small children, and me in the aftermath of birth. Making meals, folding laundry, holding baby, and being the person who was there.

Now her 4th baby was almost here, and I was excited to share in her joy, support her as she had me, AND our littlest girls would grow up together. A lifetime goal and dream for us, and dreams I had been wishing for her from the beginning.

We had our summer planned. Visits, double strollers with long walks, nursing our babies together, and a cottage holiday away with the kiddos. All these kiddos, all the fun, together with babes in our arms, baby carriers, side by side, doing it all together. It was going to be great.

We had gone to the butterfly conservatory together. Her 3, my 7, her belly swollen and ready any day for a baby to be born. We took pictures, we laughed, I sympathized with her exhaustion (I know it all too well) and I rubbed her belly encouraging Evelyn not to wait to long, we were all excited to have her here.

this is a perfect depiction of us with 10

The unthinkable, unspoken, most terrible thing in the world, happened to Evelyn.

Her heart stopped beating.

Kristyn called me just after lunch May 3rd. Her voice shaking, and I was bubbly with excitement as I thought this meant Evelyn was coming!

"You better sit down," a nervous almost laugh but I could tell immediately something was wrong.

She went on to tell me had she hadn't felt Evelyn move since the night before. She had hustled the kids off to school/daycare and tried to coax her baby to move. She talked and prodded her belly to no avail, and with each passing minute the reality of what was happening began to sink in, yet her mind was trying to make reason of anything else.

She had called Mark, her mom, the midwife, gone to the hospital and an OB had done an ultrasound to confirm the worst. Sometime since supper last night, Evelyn's heart had stopped beating and she was gone.

As the words were coming from her mouth and she was talking to me there was a voice in my head saying "No, no, no." As she continued her story the voice was getting louder and louder until I realized I was crying and saying it over and over again out loud.

We fumbled over words to each other. Tears, sobs, pain, anguish, confusion, uncertainty.

My warrior friend, my sister, birthed her still baby, and held her in her arms. She invited me to the hospital so I could hold her girl, cry with her, we could hold each other, and we could hold our baby girls together at least once. I have never felt so much pain, seen so much bravery, heard such anguished cries from a mother, and seen so many tears shed by luved ones in my life. 

I have never felt such heart break. For Evelyn. She was never comforted by her momma, held in her luving arms, sung and rocked and nursed to sleep, safe and warm, and luved unconditionally. For Kristyn. She never got to hear her baby cry, rock her to sleep, watch her eyes change color, nurse her, hold her through the night, kiss her warm brow, or just simply, watch her daughter grow. I watched the family gather around her bed as they dedicated Evelyn to Jesus. Tears, sadness, pain, uncertainty. My heart was in pieces.

And among all the pain I had for Kristyn, and Evelyn, and the family, was my pain.

I am sad that Evelyn isn't here. She's missing and it feels like she is missing. I see Kristyn, strong and moving forward with determination to live, and move though it. I'm just sad that she isn't wearing a baby. We are not nursing baby girls together, and my Ariana will not remember Evelyn. I am sad that she isn't and won't be in summer cousin pics, in our memories of the summer visits, and trips. I am sad that we aren't passing babies back and forth, and we aren't pushing double strollers together.

In all those things that make me sad, that brings tears to my eyes, I am reminded that my pain is real, and hard, but Kristyn's is deeper, stronger, and that breaks my heart.

In the days following, the first week, I walked in a fog. Nothing felt real, and NO ONE wanted to talk about it. I found a few people. They were kind, luving, supportive, reassuring. The words they spoke were like tiny rays of sunshine in the darkest storm I could imagine. There was a sense of being overwhelmed, and exhaustion set in. My world was rocked, and nothing made sense. I questioned God, was angry at God and then I became TERRIFIED God would take one of my children. I couldn't sleep. I moved the play pen right beside the bed, so I could touch Ariana while she was sleeping. I bought Caleb to my bed so hear him all night. Insomnia. I was up multiple times to check the other children. Depression. Everything felt dark, I was scared, fearful, I wanted Evelyn in Kristyn's arms, cooing and nursing, and to see that beautiful smile on my friend's face so the world would make sense again.

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3 months have passed. Some of the fear has dwindled. Caleb sleeps in his bed again, but Goran brings him to bed before he goes to work, so I can feel him moving, squirming, and breathing. My depression has mostly passed, and things feel brighter, manageable.

Kristyn and I talk about Evelyn with ease, sadness, longingly wishing she was here, but the immediate intensity of the pain is not as strong. I hold my friend when she needs a hug, and she holds me back. Even through her pain she has been there, loving me, listening to me and supporting me as much as I have supported her. We have found a new normal without Evelyn but our hearts still ache, and there is always a longing that things were different.

Evelyn,
you will
forever
be in
our
hearts.
always missed,
always luved
never forgotten

Kristyn,
My heart
will ache
with yours
forever.

Caleb and Leela

Let me introduce you to Leela.

Leela is any, poor, unfortunate toad/frog that happens along the same path as Caleb. I think it was Klara and him that named the 1st one, and since then, any one that he has captured since then has been dubbed Leela ("Its the same one Mom!") He carriers them in his hands, or in a bucket. One might be so lucky to get a swim in the baby pool, or a trip in a bucket to the bus stop and back. When he had he first one months ago we came up with a few rules. (I didn't want to find toads in the house, or dead in the garage, or dried up in window wells)


Leela Rules

1. Be GENTLE. No squeezing, squashing, pinching, hurting, eating etc Leela
2. No Leela in the house
3. If you come inside, we let Leela free
4. Leela does not go in the big pool
5. No putting Leela in buckets while you go inside.  

We discussed it in great detail. He explained it back to me. I was confident he had a good understanding that Leela is a live creature, and we need to be kind and gentle.

So I proceed to my motherly daily chores.

Some time later Caleb joins me in the house, no Leela.

"Where's Leela?' I asked him.
"Safe outside," he responded matter a factly.
"Is she in a bucket?"
"No."
"In the big pool?"
"No."
 "Did you hurt her? Is she still alive?" I was feeling a bit alarmed.
"No, Mom! Leela is safe," he insisted.
"Can you show Mommy?"
He smiled and gave me a sideways glance.
"OK Mom, but hes is safe," he insisted as he opened the front door and proceeded to the yard to show me.

He leads almost to the back, where there is a upside down bucket, and Leela is UNDER the bucket not IN the bucket. He had the biggest grin on his fave ever!

And my son showed me how very clever he is!

Summer Days 2019 - Catching up

Some days are hot and humid and we spend days swimming and floating in the pool, or at the beach, sunning, fishing, splashing, and digging.

Other days are wet and rainy and we dodge raindrops so we get some outside time, huddle under blankets watching the magic of Harry Potter for the millionth time, or go to the library, make chocolate chip banana muffins, or I watch from the covered porch as the kids swim in the rain (a favorite thing to do).

We spend afternoons 'babysitting' which is really me getting paid to have Sam and Calebs friends come over to play, and everyone swims, Caleb fights with everyone, and they eat lots of popsicles. They also play these great games of imagination. Recently they all get in the sand box, and mix water and sand in toy dump trucks and pretend to be getting coffee from McDondals. 

My big girls are spending copious days volunteering at a local christian horse ranch. I luv all the things they are learning. The multiply hours they are handling horses, to the prayer groups, praise time, social networking, and managing life situations in a place where they are appreciated, cared for, and respected. There is such a great part of our community I'm so thankful for.

Bryan and Klara are into their 6th or 7th season of ball hockey. Clearly they both luv the game, and are both good in their positions. We spend late Saturday mornings sweltering in the heat, and cool evenings watching them win, and lose, enhance their skill, cheer on team mates, interact with kids and adults alike. They have learned how to take losses, be respectful champions, and enjoy and appreciate the hard work of winning.

Sam is making leaps and bounds with his  verbal speech. I once spend hours worrying about his frustration, his speech, and his future. Now I am so proud of my boy. He has spend countless hours in speech therapy, countless hours practicing, and his hard work is paying off! He is almost always understood verbally here at home, and when he isn't he keeps trying until he is. His determination is something I strive for!

I'm out for tonight! Tomorrow comes with VBS for 2, ball hockey, Harry Potters birthday, and the joys and challenges of motherhood/

July 29, 2019

The Earth has been washed with a fresh rain and I can smell that rain smell coming through the windows. The fans hum, and the air in the house is still humid, but I know through the night the fresh air will creep in and it will feel cool and refreshing by morning.

Its been a long time since I've been to this space. So much has happened, good and bad, and its always a wonder where to start.

We added a beautiful girl to our brood. What a happy, sweet unexpected surprise she was. I will forever be grateful to Goran for suggesting "maybe one more?"

Ariana Hope December 10, 2018

Our family is growing, healthy, and busy. Life continues with daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly routines that are comforting, predictable, and reassuring as we are met with uncertainties that life just brings.

I am honored to have these people as my family. To be able to say all of them are my children.

The house is quiet. Bedtime routine completed and most of these little people are dreaming of all the fun we'll have tomorrow. I am off to bed as well, but I promise to write more. Hopefully tomorrow.

Camping With 6!

Getting out the door took hours longer then expected. Everyone was crappy and frustrated...but we finally did it. 

Walking back from the pool where he went under 2xs and after I picked him up he went right back to running and jumping in! 

So I bombed the smores...only had tiny marshmallows! But, I brought ice cream cones and foil and we wrapped them up and threw them in the fire. 

"This is awsome Mom!" 

"Mom, wouldn't it have been awesome if u had twin girls?" 

"Sure would have!" 

"If she'd been born the same time as me?" 

"And you would have a twin sister!" 

"And we could share clothes!" 

Her kind and generous heart ♥️ 

"Hey buddy come here for a selfie!" Toad in his hands, he looks up and smiles. 

Summer Days and Baby Days

It's flying by. Somehow we are 6 weeks post partum tomorrow. We have filed the sun shinny days of summer with swimming lessons, soccer nights, visits with cousins/friends, ice cream treats, stacking wood, and late night swims.

My garden is meager and struggling...I've been slightly distracted, but it has yielded tomatoes, and zucchini. Kale is ripe and ready for picking, and I'm trusting that the flourishing potatoes plants are growing beautiful huge round potatoes for use to eat. If someone would just get to those weeds....

The pools turned green more then once...so many times in fact I have found WATER BUGS making themselves at home. It's been clean for almost a week now, we can see the icecubey pattern on the bottom and no more water bugs skimming and dividing. Only 4 more weeks, and it'll be time to close it up. I look forward to one less thing, but dread the ending of summer. No more flip flops, sun drenched kids, and ice cream smudged mouths. 

I luv these days. Relaxed summer days, watching the kids play, reading Charlottes Web aloud, and cuddling sweet growing Caleb. It's a sobering thought that these baby days are my last baby days. I cuddle him and hold him as long as time allows. I wrap him, and walk him, and nurse him, and push away any complaint that tries to surface. It's not easy, but I made a decision to focus on the positive. The new baby smiles, each new sound Sam makes, the way Klara has found a luv for soccer, the way Bryan is reading with renewed determination, the way Grace changes a diaper with ease, and Angelina bakes cookies, makes lunches, and throws shepherds pie in the oven. I'm an blessed. And in the hard moments, those moments I could almost cry, or pull my hair out, or shout at someone who doesn't deserve it, I stop, breath, picture the good moments, smiles, sounds, soccer, arms holding the baby, curly hummid hair, and long swimming legs, and I'm reminded of why I'm here. Why I luv it. I hug the kids, say my sorries, let them see me sad, so they see I'm genuine and we move forward. We smile, tell jokes, I lift that baby my arms, wrap an arm around Sam, and soak it in.

More about camping, garden pics, and 6 weeks pics over the weekend.

Klara's Ballet Pics

Klaras recital was amazing as usual. She tried her hardest, and did that thing where she sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth because she is concentrating so hard!

And she was as cute as could be!

I was asked several times how much longer I had to go before I was due. Funny how I didn't know then that Caleb was coming before I thought!