Too Big

Sometimes the things of the heart are just too big. Too big to describe, to put into words, to explain to someone else so they can feel all the things another feels.

Its been one of those days. I'm feeling overwhelmed, and tired, and was just looking forward to tucking into bed with my 2 weest ones. Cuddling them close and feeling the peace of their sleep wash over me. I had tucked them in, and went to kiss my big girls one last time and tuck covers under their little chins. As I climbed up the stairs, I could here Raffi playing and was a bit confused. I found my 2 weest ones had deserted me for their own beds and some music.

Even this does not go my way. I want to clench my fists and thrash in my bed and beat the pillows. I just do. Its not fair. I want to cry about it and let it all out.

But I turn here to my little space instead. I turn my thoughts to things I'm so thankful for my heart swells.

Mothers.

My mom 1st. For the person she is, and raising me to be the mom I am today. For luving my babies and  teaching and guiding them to be great people too some day!

My mother in law. She raised my husband. He is passionate and strong. He is hard working and dedicated. She had a hand in all of that.

My very best friend. We rejoiced together when our babies entered the world and made us momma's.We've wept together when the problems of life just seem to big to bear. We support, encourage, guide, and listen. I don't know where I'd be without her.

A momma friend who inspires me. Inspires me to to learn more, do more, and be more. She is calm and easy going, and at the same time pushes me just a bit out of my comfort zone to help me grow.

The list continues. Never ends. But that is my list today.

Mothers Day

The luv I felt in the room as 3 shy faces found me, and brought me treasures so luvingly picked.

Bryan actually re-gifted the perfume. it was already mine, but he gave it to me - again.

My heart swelled and swelled, the tears pooled in my eyes, and my voice choked. I couldn't even get out a thank you. Little things that cost only pennies, but they know me, what I like and what puts a smile on my face. I thank God every day for this. This luv in my heart, and in my home. For these amazing little people whom I luv unconditionally. No matter what, for always.

Mothers day ended with a campfire. Little ones sitting on Nana and Paka's knee, eating smores, and begging for more. It is a treasured memory I slipped in the space in my heart. On of those times I will never forget! 

Just the Way it Is

Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. The secret is removing divorce as
an option. Anybody who gives themselves that option will get a divorce.
Will Smith

I'm not advocating for loveless marriages. But it's also the case that marriage
doesn't make us happy every day. No marriage does, but your marriage serves
as so much more than just a vehicle for immediate individual adult needs. It makes
one world for your child, and children will tell you that means everything to them.
Elizabeth Marquardt

 Dear Abby: Some months ago, you printed a letter from a reader
who was disturbed that the spark was gone from her marriage.
I asked my husband whether the spark is gone from our 18-year marriage.
His response: "A spark lasts only a second. It lights a fire. When
the flame burns down, we are left with the hottest part of the fire,
the embers, which burn the longest and keep the fire alive."
Betty in Cap May, N.J.


I'm choosing to remember that sometimes its just the way it is. Marriage is marriage. Sometimes its like a fairy tail. Green fields free of thistles, and  buzzing with stinger-less bees. Unicorns grazing in the background and rainbows decorating the horizon. Holding hands as the sunsets, and a kiss that rocks the moon into orbit. But sometimes its hard. Sometimes you step in a thistle, or those bees grow stingers. The unicorns turn into dragons, and the rainbows fade as the clouds roll in and cover the sun. Holding hands seems to like to much work. And the kissing as the sunsets? Really? That just seems like a joke.

I am remembering that sticking through the storms is what makes it worth it. Knowing I will always have him there, to hold my hand through the storm, is worth knowing we come out triumphant on the other side. Raising our hands together as the dawn breaks new with water droplets on the green grass like diamonds sparkling in the the fresh sun. 

Through all the marriage stuff, because of the marriage stuff, there is the kid thing. The amazing fact that my wee ones are here, because of the man I married. Because of the man I am married to, I have these 4 really amazing kids. I am blessed. Always always blessed.

Blessed to take these kids out for dinner after the very cool dentist gave us free pizzas (after fillings!).  Just me and them sitting in the booth, chatting and coloring and drinking chocolate milk, and eating good good pizza.

Even when the storm clouds roll in, there are these rays of sunshine shining through.

Life is good. Its not always roses. But if I can step back, look at the big picture, where we've been, where we are, and where we're headed, it is good. It brings a smile to my face.

Change of Plans - Life Style Change Check In

We had big plans today. Getting up early and heading out to a friends with a friend...it was going to be a great day. As I woke up Angelina, she says,

"I don't feel well. My head hurts, my throat is sore and my tummy aches."

I was wondering if we should stay home as I have been fighting the same cold. Well, my mind was made up in an instant.

Sweet Grace warmed up Angelina's bean bag for her while she snuggles under the covers for an extra lay in bed.

The sky is dark, and the ground is wet. *sigh* Wondering what I can do to brighten up the prospects of the day at hand. Play dough is always a good one...

But first a few updates.

Check In

I've made some changes again. That's what its all about. Changing things up so they keep working. So I cut my calories, still eating well, but cutting down on sugar and carbs, and increasing veggies and fruit. My body liked this. I worked out hard, and ran hard for the last 2 weeks. I dropped 8lb. Finally a big change. I'm feeling good about it and eager to see more change :)  I'm sure that the last 4 months have contributed to all of this. Cutting calories and running and exercising in 2 weeks didn't do this. I'm happy I've made these changes in my life. For my healthy, and well being.

This cold I've stumbled onto has slowed things down a bit, but I'm still running and being careful about calories. One step at a time. I will get there.

I'm down 14 lbs , in 18 weeks, and I am running 3 xs a week, and exercising with in-home videos 2-3xs a week.

I can zip up this lovely skirt, and am looking forward to wearing it with ease for Klara's birthday party.

Recapping the Last Few Days

After dental surgery, I needed a few days to recover. I needed my rest, and Saturday was one of those days I didn't do much. I rested, while children played, and read stories, and napped, and watch a long movie.

Sunday brought around a better feeling of wellness and I packed up the kids and I and all our bikes for a bike ride on a local trail. I wish I had taken a picture of the girls in front of me as we biked. They biked side by side, talking and chatting like old friends do. It was so so sweet.

Bryan and Klara hung out in the trailer, talking and reading books and pointing things out to each other. I luv watching the friendships develop with my wee ones.

We stopped for a picnic lunch.They ran in the big open spaces, and climbed, and helped, and laughed. It was good to feel the breeze, and the sun, and move our blanket from the shade to the sun for the warmth.

We nipped off to the library Monday night, after I rested most of the day again. That cold knocked me down. (And maybe, just maybe I did a bit to much the day before?) I rested, drank tea, napped, and licked good honey off my spoon. It was wet and rainy so there was little outside time for anyone. By 5:00 p.m. the wee ones were at each other, and we all needed OUT.

We don't go to the main branch often, but they do luv the space, and isle of books, and toys.

By the time we go home it was 9ish and there was a rush for PJ's and teeth and off to bed.

As I finish this, the day has somehow disappeared and my plans of having this up early morning, with it. Its night. The sky is dark and twinkling with star. After a lazy afternoon, most of us got a burst of energy, picked up the house together and headed outside for a walk and backyard time. We dug around in the garden and did a wee bit of planting. Angelina helped me dig trenches and plant some new seeds, so fingers crossed she is on the mend!

instragram

Now the house is still and quiet, as the wee ones breath softly in sleep. My heart is at peace, and I go to slip under my covers to let sleep claim me :)

A Lesson Learned

I post from the bathroom counter. We invited friends over for a picnic. But  as the clock ticked closer to arrival time, the sky grew darker and darker, and all of a sudden the heavens opened and the rain fell. So after a evening picnic on the floor of the play room the clouds parted and we escaped the confines of the house to the great outdoors. Where 6 wee ones, splashed and ran, and laughed played. This is the stuff great evenings are made of. Several calls of "Time to go home" and "Mom not yet!" as the sky was gathering darkness fast and the tiniest one was so ready to go home. Seat belts were buckled and hands waved and voices were heard calling "Bye" over and over again. So that brings me to my counter top perch as my 2 weest ones play in the tub, pouring and  filling and learning. And getting clean after mud and puddles and cool night air.

I learned something this week. It began Wednesday night as a dull ache inside my mouth. A tooth ache.

'It will go away,' I thought to myself,

It continued to ache.

I thought about it as I slipped into bed with the weest ones, but I drifted off to sleep. I awake at 12 a.m. to bring those babes' to their own beds and cuddle up with my hubby. This time I didn't drift off so easily, and I started to think about what would happen if it still hurt in the morning....but again I drifted off.

Long story short, after being up since 2:00 a.m. with throbbing pain, I'm sure I was the 1st call of the day at 7:03 a.m. to go in for 8:30 a.m. to find out I need a root canal and an extraction.

the pale lines in the tooth is where they dug down for the root canal

I'm afraid of dentists. I had a bad experience as a child and they scare me. Usually they hurt me and before Thursday I had yet one to find one who treated me with any respect.

So I had not been in YEARS! I figured I brushed well so it would be OK.

It wasn't. My teeth are a mess. I need work on the right side as well, but he figured he could save them with regular fillings.

So, I'm gonna suck it up. Get my mouth cleaned up and book regular apts.

This was not worth it. It was scary and frightening.

The dentist was the best I've ever had. He cranked up the laughing gas (I don't think I will do that again as it was very very weird.) and turned on the TV (Harry Potter!!), and every now and then I heard his voice come out like a dream, "A little wider please".

When he pulled the tooth out the tugging the pulling and preasure on my mouth....HEARING it rip away from my scull....was strange but kinda cool...??And after an extra shot of freezing I didn't feel a thing!

I came home with a bag of gaze pads and my rotted tooth. Looking at it makes my stomach turn a bit.

Its time to take care of me. Inside and out. 

Now, I need to get ready for bed. But before I do that, I have a date with my new Mr Oral-B :)

 Please, take care of your teeth!

{this moment}

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{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Inspired by SouleMama

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A Sign

Its been a long week so far. Heart ache, and pain in numerous places in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I hurt deep when I hurt.I hurt for others, and myself. Its just the way it is.

But I know time heals all wounds. I'm OK giving things time, and seeing how God unfolds his plans. He has a plan. I don't know it. But it will work out. His plans do. He is bigger then all the hurt and pain. He is bigger then me and all the plans I have.

Trusting.

In amoung all these things my girls come happily into the house to show me.....

"A sign , Mommy!"  cried Angelina excitedly.

Funny enough, it looked like something had eaten this egg, and it didn't really hatch!

"But still a sign of spring Mom!"

Learning from my sweet girl to look on the bright side.

Now

A mess of crafting, sewing stuff, strewn across the room and a busy girl schooling away

Cushion covers ready for use by all. Furry and not :)

Helping me clean.

Making lego boats.

"Take a picture of me."

After leaving the room every time I entered with the camera, I said to her, "I have a picture of everyone else but you. Do you want to be on my blog?"

On a Tuesday afternoon with so so so much going on, I always make the time to stop and see whats happening around me. Stop and give a little love. Stop and remember to be thankful.