Fear

Fear is huge. It has a ripple affect, and the ripples get bigger. It spreads from person to person, and each person gets more and more fearful. As I go through things in my life, I have learned that my family needs me to be stable. They gauge themselves by me. If I am scared, and crying, they are alarmed. When this happens, if I explain myself, if they can understand, they are OK. Sometime this is a 'grown up' thing and they can go about their business, letting us deal with the big things. If I don't explain, say things like, "Don't worry" or "I don't know", then my children are upset and scared. They act out, being super silly, hurting each other, and/or using unkind words.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Everything has been fine. I have had normal symptoms, and saw my midwife on Monday. We booked an apt. for the 3rd of October, my birthday, to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Today was a normal day. I've been tired and had a nap after lunch. I got up, went to the bathroom, and had spotting. I have had 8 pregnancy's. I have had 2 pregnancy's with spotting. I have 2 without spotting. This is how my 3 miscarriages started. I was texting Goran and calling the midwife within minutes.

The kids were up. They saw me frantic. They saw me crying. I stopped and saw their concern. The furrowed eye brows and concern in the voices. "Are you OK Mom?"

I would like to say I gathered them in my arms and told them what was making mommy sad. That I held them and comforted them.

I didn't. I stood their for a moment, I wasn't sure what to say. I struggled to gain some composure, so I could say something. "Mommy is bleeding. I don't know know what this means. The baby might not be OK, or the baby could be OK. It will be a few days before we know for sure." I turned away, tears running, fear gripping me.

Time passed. I don't know how many minutes. 10, 20, 30? Its a blur. My friends, my circle, all offering words of support, comfort, or a visit. I struggle, looking for hope, but not trying to look to hard, just is case. More time passed. The fog began to lift.

I calmly spoke to the children, reminding them we just don't know yet, but we are hoping, and praying. Time will tell, but mommy will be OK. The girls gave me hugs and colored home made cards.

I whipped together hot dogs and grill cheese, and texted a friend for a delivery of ice cream :) I offered a long movie, so kids will sit and rest, and eat ice cream. Friend came, with ice cream, arms of support, and gifts of love.

'they smell so good'

Doctor friend called in response to my text, offering the very best she can for an ultra sound come morning. More words of support. I am ever thankful. My mom founds my message of facebook and we chat. She reminded me God makes life, God has a plan. Trust. I hold on to the words.

It is quiet now. The children are busy with the movie, and I am calm. I don't know the outcome of today. Time will tell. But I trust that there is a plan.

Please pray for us in the next few days as this unfolds, and we move forward.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see

Inspired by  SouleMama

 

Running Deep

Emotions run deep for me. Always have. When I was a little I remember being told not to be so emotional. I remember my mom talking to be about the crying. "You're a big girl, you don't need to cry all the time." Rightfully so, I cried about everything. But it just goes to show my emotions are deep. I feel deep. When I feel joy/happiness it is immense, and I have to call someone, post or blog those exciting things. When I feel sadness/pain is it overwhelming. The tears are there, ready to overflow. Sometimes a good cry helps, sometimes it take a few days to work through and try to understand.

Through this journey of life, I hold the people in my circle close. I love them, and share with them. I am so honored to go through life with them, sharing in their joy and excitement, pain, and sadness. That's what it is all about, right? Sharing.

My emotions are jumbled and mixed up. I am full of joy, and excitement of all things in my life! But at the same time my heart it is heavy with hurt. People who I have held in my circle, whom I have trust, shared with, rejoiced with, laughed with, cried with, are pulling away from me in huge ways. They are not sharing with me the things in their life, nor are they sharing with me in my life. The exciting and happy things going on, they are not rejoicing with me. I've tried to break threw over and over again. These relationships are important to me, always have been, but it seems so less to the other people.

I know and understand that this means my circle is changing. My circle of people whom I trust and love and share with. This weighs heavy on my heart, as these things have not been my choice, and it hurts to have have people pulling away and I don't know why.

It comes to more thinking in my mind. I believe that we are all here for a reason. I believe God has given us things to do, and when we follow that path, we are content and happy. We are happy for other people in their paths, and can truly share with them. I also believe the opposite. When you fight the path, or you chose a different one, the road is hard, and you become unhappy and not content. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and you can not happily share with others because you are not happy.

So for you, I wish to find the path intent for you. I wish you happiness and contentment, and the joy of true friendships in which you can share all things in your life and theirs.

Now after I finish that I realize I have some house keeping. I have not blogged. I have been busy mentally and physically as we had our trip, and are now getting back of the swing of things with homeschooling. We had a great trip although my camera battery died. I didn't bring my charger, so I have 3 pics from the butterfly conservatory and that is all. 

OK, wait. That is a lie. We used our crappy cell phone camera's to at least try to capture something! But alas I get home and do not have the cable to download those pics.....As I pointed out to my hubby once we got in the car after the butterfly conservatory, "I will never forget to charge my battery again before we leave for a great trip!" And I'm also going to buy another battery. A back up is a good thing.

So we begin a new school year. Crisp, clean, new pages of the books begging to be learned on. Eager eyes as I open those new books, the 2 girls with tall unused pencils ready to write. The cool September air blows in the window as the pencils go, bringing with  it the sound of children calling to each other as they walk towards the school not far from our house. Angelina mentions how glad she is to be home, and Grace giggles about going to school with that teasing twinkle in eye. 

luv the light here

happy smiles

luv the outfit, luv the luv of books

she climbs the stool 10xs a day to rummage through the draw and put things on the counter. And sometimes do her hair

I am happy here. I am content on the path I am on. Teaching these ones of mine and watching them grow and flourish in leaps and bounds. Making home cooked food for my family, hanging laundry, and trying to make this garden thing work. I am blessed and fortunate. Not because I am home with them. Not because I have the ones I have. Not because I hang laundry, and cook from scratch. I am blessed, and fortunate, and happy and content, because I am on the path I was meant to be on. Because I have embraced it with every ounce of my being, and when you give you get.

out for dinner, celebrating life

goran says, 'there is not enough pics of you on that blog'....

What are you giving and getting these days? Where is your path leading you?

Thankful on Thursday - Its September 1st!

September comes in with a whirl of heat. One most blast of summer. Thankful. I can't believe its September and wonder where the summer has gone. But with September comes the routine of school work, work on the bathroom, and soon the kitchen with skylight and dishwasher.

Today being Thursday I have been thinking all day of my post and things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for things to come. Routine, bright colored leaves, and a trip to Great Wolf Lodge with the family. But I always think its cheating to look forward to whats not here yet. I want to be thankful for the hear and now. Things that happened yesterday and today. I've gotten on the floor to take some pics, stood on beds, and racked my brain to come up with my list. Its not that I'm not thankful, its just hard to remember for what on days like this.

I must admit I finish this hours later then I started. After dinner, kitchen is clean, a good brisk walk and 1/2 the kids are cleaned and tucked in for the night. It feels good to get things done, move my body, and watch the kids play and interact with each other.

So now my list comes easy, and each one, as my brain turns the days memories over, brings a smile to my face.

Thankful for

1. that desire to walk, now has her cruising furniture, and risking the tippy dolly stroller. And the fact the she had to put the baby in it!

2. a great find. Been thinking and looking for the girls bedroom, saw it and knew it was what I had been searching for. $2.99. OOOOOOh yay babe'!

3. a project to finish for the bathroom being refinished over the weekend. A touch of red to bring a pop! Can't wait to see it come together.

4. this thing we still have. I cherish. Over and over again.

i luv the way she signs milk,  looks at me, plays with my necklace, and always finds the one mole on my right arm..

5. quiet moments through a day like this (and new library books that allow the quiet times...)

6. a evening walk. The air fresh, but warm, a breeze blowing, kids laughing and biking and stopping before we cross the road....

I am thankful.

Blessings

Oh, I have been neglectful this week. *sigh* A reason. What can I give you for a reason? I have no reason, and 100 reasons. Any worth listing, I don't think so. Its been a great week of enjoying, friends, little luvs of mine, naps, family, walks, routine, and weather. I have things on the mind...but mulling over how to share, how to write, that kind of thing. I will keep thinking, and today share the blessings I am so so thankful for.

First I will start with the sad news that just over a week ago my Uncle Andy passed away.

It was hard. Uncle Andy went in for a surgery, and was suppose to be home in just a few days. Uncle Andy was such a happy man! I will always remember that. He greeted everyone with a smile, never forgot my name (one tends to in large families...) a twinkle literally in his eye. He had curly dark hair that had greyed over time. He was fit and healthy, making time for his family, and spending time with those he loved. He was always encouraging, and happy to pass on words of wisdom, and help someone. No one thought this would happen. The family, my aunt and cousins are crushed and broken. He is the first of my dads brothers to pass away. This was a first for my dad. It was hard to see him hurting, but I was proud if him. My dad is a man of few words and doesn't share his feelings well. But he did through this. He shared his feelings, and made his needs known. He is grieving, and doing it well. My heart griefs for everyone. We gathered together, some who knew him well, some who didn't know him as well, hugged, talked, shared memories, cried and held each other. We saw  family we hadn't seen in awhile, and greeted each other like old friends catching up, with promises of more visit's and time together.
But the blessings are there. Supporting, seeing more distant family, sharing, and growing. It is there.

And the promise of more family time is there. Blessings

bee beard demonstration!  she did great, and the family spent the day together

what a brave girl I have

slung up with momma

Blessings. Time with cousins.

Blessings. Trying so hard to walk.....

Blessings. Wrapping and decorating a gift for a friend. 

Blessings. A day a the beach with 11 kids, and 2 friends. 

she was a streaker....all afternoon!

luv the sun glittering off the water

luv the sun shining through the clouds

 The week has been full. My heart is full and thankful.

And now the night has fallen, the stars twinkle as Uncles Andy's eyes always did, it is time for me to crawl into bed and hold my baby close to me. Blessings!

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Inspired by Soulemama