It hurts when you trust people, and they take advantage of that. Its even worse when you try again, and it happens again. I felt panicked, and couldn't sleep. I lay there trying to catch my breath, and watching the sky brighten, wondering how early is too early to work out. Wondering who I can call on for support. I thought about going back to sleep, but decided to get on with it. On with the day. Put all of this fear and anger into something.
I looked for support and got it. I'm not alone. I have help. People I
can trust. Many of them offering words, help and advice. All the things I need.
I worked out. Hard. I threw myself into it. Squats, side steps, running, leg lifts, and front kicks. An hour later I was hot, panting, muscles aching and sweat dripping off me. It was subsiding. The anger and fear, flowing out like the tide. But I didn't want to let it back in.
I am bigger then this. I can beat this.I have the tools. I just need to use them
I cleaned, and played with wee ones, and kept my mind busy. My stove is clean, and cobwebs vacuumed up. Sheets fluttering on the line.
The hard things in life stretch us. Make us better people. I hope that is me. I hope through all this I am becoming a better person. More understanding, kind, determined, outspoken, and strong. I want to be strong in my values, determined, but kind and understanding of others.
I breath deep.
Meanwhile I luv the wee ones. Hug them, kiss them, remind them of my luv. I'm not going to let grown up problems in on them. They come 1st. They need me. And I know this time goes by so fast, I'm not letting this ruin it.
The day comes to an end in peace. I am at peace. A last burst of support before night folds in. Time spent on the phone with people who have proven then can be trusted. People who are worth my friendship.
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I'm going to bed with a smile. Tucked in the most fresh bedsheets yet this spring, with my 2 weest ones breathing deep beside me.
