Steps Forward

The last year I have lived a nightmare. Someone I grew up with, someone I looked up to, someone I trusted, had done the unthinkable. Something I feared for each of my children. When the secret came out, it was like a tone of bricks on my chest. I looked at my friends differently. I wondered who I could trust. I wondered who was living a lie. I held my children closer, and dug my heals in when people suggested leaving them for an hour, a day, or overnight. Anyone who offered to take care of them, I looked at with suspicion. Who could I trust? If not this upstanding person in the community, a youth pastor, then who? I didn't leave them for months. I was so fearful. Angelina was 4 going on 5. I had to put her in school. My breath would catch in throat with fear. My eyes would fill up with tears every time I thought of enrolling her in school. I would picture the 'dangers' at school, on the way to school, waiting behind every corner. I was panicked. It took months to get through the panic. I hardly let them out of my sight. A good neighbor helped in ways she doesn't even know. I asked her if she would drive Angelina to school everyday, ("I will pay you!"I promised her) for me. She agreed. I was shocked, overjoyed, elated. This was one step. She would be safe. I met Angelina's teacher. Another step. Angelina went for orientation, another step. The first day of school was hard. Every step there, my footsteps thundered in my ears. Angelina skipping along, me dragging my feet. I argued with Goran on the way home. I kept saying 'homeschooling', still so fearful. I was mad. Not at him. At my fear. But I took it out on him. The first day ended, and she came home safe. One day behind me. One day turned into two, and then three and now we are almost at the end of school year

And then Victoria happen. My worse nightmare brought back to reality. Where I grew up. I prayed daily for that little girl. I cried thinking of her suffering, and hoping she was safe. My heart hurt for her mother. As messed up as people say she is, a mother hurts when her child goes missing. And then the unthinkable again. Arrests have been made. They believe she is dead. They are looking for her. My heart aches. Tears are always sitting so close to the surface. People say they are 'more grateful' for their children now, and hug them tighter. I don't understand that. More? You were less before? Before you didn't realize what a gift they were, and now you do?

We are almost at the end of the school year and we've made it. I recently turned down a birthday party Angelina was invited too. Angelina cried and cried. She was so sad. At first I told her that we were busy. But after I thought about it I decided to lay out the facts for her. I reminded her how we don't talk to strangers, or go in their houses. She was nodding, she understood that. So I asked her, "Does mommy know Sally(name has been changed) or her mommy?" She shook her head no. "Why would mommy let you go to a strangers house?" It was like a little light went on. She understood that. "OK mom," she said. This past week she was invited to another party. She was quit excited. I had met the little boy before. I knew his grandma and grandpa, and it was a community center, so I was invited to stay as well. This one I agreed too. Another step.

But I am always afraid. Afraid because I know its not the creepy guy who lives down the street looking out his windows, or the homeless guy sleeping on the park bench. Its the friendly neighbor, or my best friends husband, or the youth pastor at the church, and/or that upstanding person in community. Afraid, because if something happened to one of them, I would never forgive myself.

So now I teach them about safety. As much as they understand. I teach them to stay off the road and hold hands with a grown up when crossing the street. I tell them not to talk to strangers and don't ever go any where with anyone, unless I've said it was OK. I teach them about privacy, and respecting their bodies. I teach them to love each other, and watch out for each other. I pray daily. I pray that God will give me the courage to keep them safe, and the wisdom to make the right choices. And sometimes I just hug them and hold onto them for dear life!

Today we went to a birthday party. She had a great time. She laughed and smiled and played with her friends.

Another step.