I walked up the street with my kids all around me. Samuel in the stroller, Klara on her bike, and the 'big' kids walking. It was late in the day, and I could just feel the coolness of the evening beginning. The sky was a beautiful blue, with the sun just starting to streak it with hews of pink and orange. We crossed the road, (Klara got off her bike) and we headed toward the driveway. I saw a few neighbors chatting and smiled thinking how much I was beginning to feel part of the neighborhood.
I need to pause here and say, it hasn't always been like that. I've felt like the odd ball, stay at home mom, large family, ect, but this particular evening, I was feeling as if I had shown them with our amazingness how awesome we were, and I had won them over to accepting us into the neighborhood.
I smiled and waved to them on the other side of the road and made my way up the drive. I thought about joining the conversation but decided to sit on the bench in the front instead.
I watched the neighbors, feeling happy, pausing to watch the kids, and then I checked my my phone.
Voices drifted through the air.....
"I thought to myself, 'how many does she have now?'"
My head slowly came up and I listened intently.
I couldn't here all of it. Hmmmmmm. Why don't they speak a little louder?
".....about every 2 years right?'
At this point I decided they must have thought I'd gone inside, right?
".....like a bunch of bunnies..." followed by laughter.
My mouth DROPPED open. People only talk like this in the movies, I thought.
Its burned in my brain, the happy neighbor man walking across the grass saying, "Yep, we had 3 and put a stop to that," just to finish it off.
I think I went inside. I honestly don't remember. I was hurt. Insulted. Angry. For a brief moment I had felt shame for my 'large' family, and I was mad at myself for that. I'm not ashamed, at all. I love each and every one of them. If I could change anything, I'd add 3 more....but for that second, listening to them, the desire to be accepted was so strong, I felt a moment of shame. And that made me angry.
Insulted. I see red when I think of the woman's voice saying 'like a bunch of bunnies'. We did not act on wild animal urges. We did not have an accident. We did not make a mistake. We decided to welcome a person into our family. Every single time. Every. Single. Time.
Crazy things go through my head. They think I have to many, so how many is to many? 3 is ok? So at this point what should I do with the other 2? Give them away? Why exactly do I have to many? Can I not handle them? They are clean, mostly well behaved, loved, love in return, learning, growing....Maybe they think I don't deserve 5?
I remember thinking I should shout out, "I'm expecting triplets in December!"
I didn't.
I think (right, ya think?) its been a bit traumatic for me. I've had to share with friends, listen to their thoughts and be encouraged and supported. I spoke with Goran right away, and my Luv put me straight, telling me those people have clearly lost sight of what is important in life. Another friend reminded my how beautiful my family is. Another friend urged me to think how this is likely mostly more about them then me, its just coming out in this awful ugly way.
I'm not giving any away! I'm keeping them forever. They are a part of me now and forever, and I am so so thankful for all they bring to my life.
And as defeated and hurt as I felt that night, I'm not giving up. We are going to keep being our awesome selves, kind, polite, and friendly, in hopes we do win them over. In fact, if anything, I only want to try harder, stretch out my hand of friendship further, and be the kind of neighbor they want to have next door or down the street.
So as short goes, this is probably one of my longer posts, but it had to be told.
Thanks for listening, and reading.
