Steps Forward

The last year I have lived a nightmare. Someone I grew up with, someone I looked up to, someone I trusted, had done the unthinkable. Something I feared for each of my children. When the secret came out, it was like a tone of bricks on my chest. I looked at my friends differently. I wondered who I could trust. I wondered who was living a lie. I held my children closer, and dug my heals in when people suggested leaving them for an hour, a day, or overnight. Anyone who offered to take care of them, I looked at with suspicion. Who could I trust? If not this upstanding person in the community, a youth pastor, then who? I didn't leave them for months. I was so fearful. Angelina was 4 going on 5. I had to put her in school. My breath would catch in throat with fear. My eyes would fill up with tears every time I thought of enrolling her in school. I would picture the 'dangers' at school, on the way to school, waiting behind every corner. I was panicked. It took months to get through the panic. I hardly let them out of my sight. A good neighbor helped in ways she doesn't even know. I asked her if she would drive Angelina to school everyday, ("I will pay you!"I promised her) for me. She agreed. I was shocked, overjoyed, elated. This was one step. She would be safe. I met Angelina's teacher. Another step. Angelina went for orientation, another step. The first day of school was hard. Every step there, my footsteps thundered in my ears. Angelina skipping along, me dragging my feet. I argued with Goran on the way home. I kept saying 'homeschooling', still so fearful. I was mad. Not at him. At my fear. But I took it out on him. The first day ended, and she came home safe. One day behind me. One day turned into two, and then three and now we are almost at the end of school year

And then Victoria happen. My worse nightmare brought back to reality. Where I grew up. I prayed daily for that little girl. I cried thinking of her suffering, and hoping she was safe. My heart hurt for her mother. As messed up as people say she is, a mother hurts when her child goes missing. And then the unthinkable again. Arrests have been made. They believe she is dead. They are looking for her. My heart aches. Tears are always sitting so close to the surface. People say they are 'more grateful' for their children now, and hug them tighter. I don't understand that. More? You were less before? Before you didn't realize what a gift they were, and now you do?

We are almost at the end of the school year and we've made it. I recently turned down a birthday party Angelina was invited too. Angelina cried and cried. She was so sad. At first I told her that we were busy. But after I thought about it I decided to lay out the facts for her. I reminded her how we don't talk to strangers, or go in their houses. She was nodding, she understood that. So I asked her, "Does mommy know Sally(name has been changed) or her mommy?" She shook her head no. "Why would mommy let you go to a strangers house?" It was like a little light went on. She understood that. "OK mom," she said. This past week she was invited to another party. She was quit excited. I had met the little boy before. I knew his grandma and grandpa, and it was a community center, so I was invited to stay as well. This one I agreed too. Another step.

But I am always afraid. Afraid because I know its not the creepy guy who lives down the street looking out his windows, or the homeless guy sleeping on the park bench. Its the friendly neighbor, or my best friends husband, or the youth pastor at the church, and/or that upstanding person in community. Afraid, because if something happened to one of them, I would never forgive myself.

So now I teach them about safety. As much as they understand. I teach them to stay off the road and hold hands with a grown up when crossing the street. I tell them not to talk to strangers and don't ever go any where with anyone, unless I've said it was OK. I teach them about privacy, and respecting their bodies. I teach them to love each other, and watch out for each other. I pray daily. I pray that God will give me the courage to keep them safe, and the wisdom to make the right choices. And sometimes I just hug them and hold onto them for dear life!

Today we went to a birthday party. She had a great time. She laughed and smiled and played with her friends.

Another step.

The End of March

Time goes by quickly for me right now. 3 little ones under foot most of the time, and often 3-4 little friends to go with it. The days are very similar. Blurring together, one after another. But they are good. My girls play together and tease each other. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying. Bryan is always amongst them. Never to be left out or left behind. He runs after them now. Down the hall, into the back yard, or along the side walk. Soon he will be running beside them, not behind them.

They are all growing so fast.
Angelina skips off to school after a goodbye kiss. Her new favorite book tucked in her backpack along with a healthy lunch packed by mom. She comes in a whirl at the end of the day. Excited to hang her new art on the fridge. She talks so fast, telling me about what she played that day, what her teacher told her, and only stopping for a second to ask "Whats for snack?" As I tuck the blankets under her chin each night her question is always the same, "What are we doing tomorrow?"
Gracey takes some time to get up each day. She's often the last one up, but sometimes the first to peep in the bathroom door as I finish getting ready for the day. There she stands, her hand above her eyes blocking the bright bathroom light, her soother wiggling in her mouth. "Hi Mommy," she smiles at me. She is always testing me. She waits for me to ask her things 3-4 times. A new thing she says now is, "Don't tell me two times!" She says it loudly, and always sounds so exasperated. I respond with, "Then do it the 1st time!" She loves crafts, and stories. Every time I sit down she is crawling into my lap with a book in her hand. I tuck her into bed at night with a soother in her hand, a soother in her mouth, and her water bottle on her bedside table. After I kiss her forehead and turn off the light she whispers into the dark "Goodnight Mommy."
Bryan is busy growing and learning. He is really starting to eat well. I've had to strap him into his highchair, but he will sit and eat now for half and hour, no complaints. He likes oatmeal, fruit loops, toast with PB and honey, stir fry, sloppy joes, soup soup soup, and slightly cooked veggies. He is the first one at the craft table when its craft time! He loves the coloring with the markers, and gluing with the glue. We made lambs just the other day for "out like a lamb" and he made one! He loved it! Standing on the bench, jibber jabbering at me, pressing the cotton on the paper, and then picking it off his sticky fingers. Once bed times comes around for him, we snuggle down together on his bed, and he settles down, belly down beside me. He has this habit of sticking his hand up my shirt and resting in on my belly. I watch as he turns his head side to side, talking baby talk, winding down. He lays still, and his eyes begin to flutter. Pop! He opens them again, looks at me, and smiles. They flutter closed again, and his breathing becomes rhythmic, and I know he's sleeping. Resting, getting ready for tomorrow...

Its busy. "Never a dull moment" so the saying goes. But would I change it? No. They are wonderful and beautiful. My house is filled with love and laughter. Someone is always learning something new. Their eyes are twinkling, and lips are smiling.
If you ask me (most times) its like a little piece of Heaven, right here in my living room!

Happy Valintines Day - 30 Things

30 Things I Love...Because that's my age...

1. My mom and dad, thanks for raising me with good old fashion values!
2. Goran, for sticking with me though some bad times, and making the good times with me. For being my best friend, and loving me when I'm hard to live with
   
3. My children, Angelina, Grace, and Bryan, and God willing another one sometime not to far down the road
4. My siblings. Each of them is different and brings different things to my life. Some trying, some great. Looking back in my life I can remember great memories with each of them
   
5. My sister in law and her growing family. Kristyn is my best friends, my 'go to person' Goran says.
   
6. My pets, Duke, Bob, and Kalli
   
7. My house, yes its old, but its ours, and getting better with every dollar we put into it!
8. My van, I'd be stuck at home with out it...and we need a van with a family of 5!
9. Nursing baby's. Giving them what nature provides, the way nature intended. And the bonding and love is amazing
10. Birthing my babies. Ok, not the ouch this hurts part, but the part when I reach down and pull them to my chest and look into that tiny face and meet the human that's been growing inside me for 9 months
11. Being pregnant. The positive pregnancy test, the first time I hear the heart beat, the first movements, the first contraction....that's what I love
12. Pancakes after birthing!
13. Pizza. Whatever diet I'm on goes out the window when pizza comes in my door
14. Chocolate...I couldn't live without the promise of chocolate
15. Warm cozy days on the couch with hot cocoa
16. Big comfy sweaters
    
17. The promise of a fresh tomorrow
    
18. Good neighbors, Sandra & Rob, Cheryl &Al...to name a few
19. Hot summers evenings on the deck, watching the kids play in the backyard
    
20. Facebook...I love keeping in touch with everyone, and reconnecting with old friends
21. Cloth diapering, it makes me feel good to know I'm doing something good for the environment
22. For diets that work....10 lbs to go
23. A hot shower
24. Clean, fresh kids, just out of the shower, dressed in PJs and ready for bed!
25. The sound of my kids laughing
26. Chocolate chip cookies just out of the oven
27. Hot cocoa with some Irish cream thrown in...hummmm!
28. Watching Angelina's eyes light up as she reads a new book
29. Watching Graces face full of mischief as she shrugs and says 'nothing'
30. Watching Bryan tumble around after his sisters!
    

5, 1, & 3...Birthdays!

Gracie blowing out her candles on her third.

Bryan's birthday, 1 years old.

My oldest Angelina, turning 5!

It makes it very hectic that there birthdays are with in 6 weeks, with Christmas thrown in there too, but then we're done for the rest of the year:).

Gracie

My Gracie turns 3 in 2 days. Can anyone tell me how to stop time? She is amazing and trying all at the same time. Her suesues are only for bed now. Holey cow can she ever talk!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

It started very early this morning at 1:30 am! We had just finished putting everything under the tree and were admiring our handy work, when we heard 2 sets of pitter pattering coming down the hall way. 2 little voices, "Oh, Santa was here!" They were very disappointing when we told them they had to go back to bed! But they did, and actually didn't get up until 7:30 this morning. Angelina was so sweet. I was laying in bed and heard this tiny little voice,"Mom? Is it morning time? Are we allowed to get up now?" I opened my eyes, and there she was beside the bed. Her head was tilted just a bit to one side, and her hands were under her chin. She's 5! When did that happen? I told her of course and up we got. We actually had to wake up Grace...of course!

Santa brought Gracie some new suesues. She was so in awe of them, she couldn't manage to open anything else. She didn't know what to do with 3. She had one in her mouth, one in each hand, but then what? We did manage to convince her that no one would take them, and she did finish off her gifts. A few things were, a new movie, new Robeez's, Makka Pakka, a book with CD, and a new (matching to Angelina) outfit.
Angelina was the 'Santa'. 'Reading' the labels and handing out the gifts. She helped Bryan go through his stocking, explaining what everything was. She loved her new Robeez! She thought she had outgrown them, and was so excited, and happy that she got new pink ones. She got a matching outfit to Grace, and loved the little dress. Some other things she got were, a movie, a book with CD, a Thomas the Train (Rosie), and some tights.
Bryan just sorta tumbled around the whole opperation. He went from one person to another happily laughing and smiling and exclaiming over the gifts as everyone else did. He got this Webble Wobble Barn, and figured out how to make it work in just a few minutes, and had it singing and singing....

After everything was all done and sorta tidied up, the kids were on the floor playing. Actually all 3 of them were playing in the new barbie house that Santa had brought. (Thanx Dad!) Angelina had her barbie in there, Grace had her suesues and Makka Pakka in it, and Bryan had his train in there....It was heart warming to see them playing together.

The day flew by! We had a nice breakfast together, and then Goran snuck out to visit with his mom. The kids had a bath, put on clean clothes and went for a nap. I had time to clean up and have a nice long, hot shower. No interruptions!! Afterwards I baked so cookies, and finishes a few cards. I had to get Grace up, and then we all went out down the street to hand out some cards and presents to some friends. One friend we stopped at had a gift for each of the children, and Grace was so happy! It was all the characters from "In the Night Garden". She was so excited as she was opening it, she couldn't do it all at once. She kept having to stop to look and laugh. It was so cute! (Thank you Sandra!)
Afterwards we had some hot chocolate, and watched a movie. Its now past bedtime, but everyone is busy and quiet.

It has been a wonderful day. I have enjoyed watching my family. They are happy, and strong, and growing. They are all different, and at such different stages in life. Angelina is getting so mature and grown up. She wants to help, and is proud to be the big sister. Grace wants to grow up, but is afraid at the same time. She wants to be close to the people she loves and trusts, and she wants them to be happy. Bryan is the baby. He is happy then sad. He wants cuddles, and then he wants down....
Goran is growing so much as a husband and father. He loves his children enormously, and is so patient in helping them learn or try something new. This morning with Grace and her suesues, he held them for her while she opened her gifts. He carried Bryan while I made breakfast...so I could make breakfast LOL! He loves me so much, and wants me to be happy. To the point he would do almost anything I asked!

And so that brings us to the end of the day. I have email, or called a few close friends to wish them a Merry Christmas, and I plan to see a few more tomorrow. I am off until Jan 2, and I'm looking forward to relaxing and continuing to enjoy the family!

I hope you have all had a wonderful day, and a Merry Christmas!

Walking

Bryan is managing a few uneasy step. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone?
I will post a video soon.