.....finally...

Finally a few minutes for me! I'm sitting down here, tucked the wee ones in , taken out the trash all by 9:00 p.m. so I have awhole uninterrupted hour to blog before nodding off......wait....its 10:00 p.m.!!! Where did the last hour go?

This has been my week. Early mornings for a good run, late nights with friends with happy wee ones, and 1000 things in between. Every day I promise myself I will blog, and then I'm climbing into bed exhausted promising myself, 'tomorrow.'

I'm keeping it short, but hope this begins a good streak of blogging days to catch up for the last week gap!

Today we picked up this.

A steel for $260 off kijiji, with a beautiful buffet, and the table streches out with a leaf that makes if easy to fit 10 people around. Honest. I luv it. It will accommodate  my growing family for years to come. Its not perfect, at it was previously luved, so I'm not worried about wrecking it with the luv of small children. And I get to refinish the chairs in something I luv to make it mine! How great is that?

10 years ago (yes 10) I married this guy :)

How great is that? ( I have no roses to take a picture of this year....)

This past Sunday marks week 13, and our baby is now the size of a peach. How great is that? Time is going fast. Time to begin knitting!

That is all I have left. I'm hitting the hay, and hoping for a calmer tomorrow.

Its About the Journey

(I'm sorry for the crazy images. Its really the sound that matters, nothing else. And although it may look like strange body parts, I promise, its all appropriate!)

Last Monday my fears were ever present as we set off for the midwife. I was terrified there would be no little heart beat. I was on edge, nervous and emotional. The moment of truth and that little heart beat was so strong, I felt the tears pooling and blinked them away. The kids sat in awe, and Goran sat on chair the by the door with the 'I told you so look' in his eyes.

Everyone has tried to reassure me. But my heart was not as ease. I had not been able to embrace this pregnancy and the hope for a wee babe in February to hold. The fear, that voice in my head was constantly reminding me 'there are no guarantees'.

So, it was with reservation we left the midwives office. I smiled, and pretended to be relieved, but the voice was still there.

A dear friend came shortly after arriving home, arms open with a huge hug.

"Do you feel better?" She smiled.

"Yes.....but.....there are no guarantees right?"

There I said it. It was out there.

"No..." she agreed. "But its about the journey, right?"

That hit a cord.

Absolutely!

I realize this past week how afraid I've been.

I've been afraid to tell people I'm pregnant, because I don't want to tell them I've lost a baby, if that should happen.

As I have moved through the week, I've thought about this journey a lot. What do I want to remember from it? What do I want to be feeling?

I have changed paths. I have left the old one and skipped over to a new one. One with wonder, new things to learn, see and do, and full of all the people I luv to help me along the way.

So, instead of letting fear hold me, I have read everything about baby in the 12th week I can lay hands on. I have begun rubbing baby belly, and talking to this wee one. I have read by week 18 baby can hear! I recite  these things off to Goran, and tell him a new fact every day. Like by 13 weeks baby has finger prints!

I allow myself to dream of this soft baby head nestled in my neck and the sweet smell of new born baby. I look at baby clothes used once for the now big wee ones, and wonder whether we will welcome a baby boy or girl into our home. My wee ones and I are excited and we talk together about whether we will have a boy or a girl. 

This is the journey I'm choosing.

A Lime

We move through the steady flow of summer. Swimming, splash pads. picnics, library programs, and a new sandbox.
I rest, and nap, we watch a few extra movies. One day turns into another.

I deal with the joys of early pregnancy, and I try so hard to leave the worry behind but sometimes its really hard....

This week our baby is said to be the size of a lime.

i brought this lime home to show the kids how big baby is :)

Only a few know my fear and my heart. Goran kisses me and tells me it will all be ok.

I look forward to hearing this wee ones heart beat so very soon.

Teddy Bear Picnic

The library runs different programs for the kids during the summer. I checked them out and signed them up. Thankfully because of how the wee ones are spaced apart, I was able to get 2 kids in one program at a time.

Last week was Bryan and Klara's Teddy Bear Picnic. It was all a bit over Klara's head (although she did bring her teddy!) but Bryan was SO excited. He asked every day for a week.

"How many more sleeps?"

The day before the picnic he asked "So, 1 more sleep, but like, when tomorrow in the day? Like after breakfast or lunch...?"

I luv to see his perception of time developing.

The day of he dressed special and talked about it non-stop. He asked about bringing his blue bear, and asked again when we were leaving.

There was a chance of rain so they held it inside instead of outside. But, my boy, he was not disappointed.

There were Bears:

And songs:

 

And snacks:

He's still talking about it :)

Trying Again

I will try this post one more time. *Sigh*

My third attempt.

I had begun a lovely post about getting my space back. About how lonely and terrified I felt all those weeks I didn't post, and I am so glad to be able to write, and post pics of the wonderful things going on in our lives. I was gushing about how happy and thankful I am, for all the friends and family and support and luv we have received in the past few weeks, and for all the things I have been blessed with in my life.

Yes, I said I was terrified. Terrified of miscarriage. I suppose I chose to walk that path alone, as only a few knew, but at the same time it was path I had to walk. I had to go through all that, to come out in the end, knowing, knowing, I would be OK no matter what. And when I accepted that, it was so nice to share with close friends the news I had held tight to me.

And with the sharing came a sigh of relief. I had never been alone, because everyone was there all the time.

I have weeks of pictures to post, and will never get around to it all, but here is some.

Camping

getting up

breakfast

 
to the beach

beautiful girl

he made his first real friend

home

all tuckered out

<3 how she reads to him

  Our blessings are bountiful. I am ever thankful.

I will post about Bryan (and Klara's but mostly Bryan's) teddy bear picnic in the next few day.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Inspired by SouleMama

 

Leaving Worry Behind

Things have been quiet here. When a blogger goes quiet there is a reason why.

I have thought and day dreamed about this post for days, and weeks. Months really. A long time, and now I am here, and I'm not sure, how to say all the things in my heart, and the things in my head. I'm not sure where to begin, of even if I am really ready for this yet.

4 weeks and 3 days ago on a Monday evening, my heart skipped a beat, and tears slid down my cheeks when I saw this. (tears pool in my eyes as I write this)

I had tried a pregnancy test Friday night, and I got a faint positive, but I  convinced myself it must be wrong as I waited more then the 10 minutes before I checked it. I told myself it was an evaporation line, threw it away and tried to forget about it. Tried.....but it didn't work well. I kept pulling it out of the garbage to look at it and stare and wonder if......

So Monday night I had drove to Paris to pick up a barbie house for the girls for $10.00. Really I couldn't go wrong with a $10.00 barbie house. On the way home I had to drive past Walmart and the thought kept popping in to my mind, 'You could stop and get a test. Then you would know..'
I didn't make up my mind until I pulled up to the stoplight where I go straight to go home, or right to go to Walmart. I hesitated for a moment, and turned my signal light on.


"Why are we going to Walmart?" the wee ones whined.

I made up an excuse about looking for tiny shampoo bottles for camping. In the store I was able to divert the big girls for 30 seconds grab my box and throw it in to the cart behind my purse. My hands were a bit tingly, and sweaty. I also kept running into this lady and her little girl who I had had a feud with. As I was trying to be discreet, and the girls kept asking funny quesitons, this was not exactly going my way. For 1/2 a second I thought of abandoning this mission and just going home.

As we walked up to the cash register  Angelina says to me,

"But we don't have anything, what are you....." her voice trailed off as she saw what was in the cart and she turned her eyes to my eyes. I put my fingers in front of my mouth and made the 'Shhhh'ing sign. She turned her eyes away really quick. She is too smart!!

As I handed the register lady my box, who should happen to walk up behind me......the lady and her daughter. Oh boy!!

So fast forward 20 minutes, we get home and I get the wee ones busy with the barbie house (they all have cloths and are wiping it clean) and I sneak off to the bathroom. I peed and waited. I didn't have to wait long. 10/15 seconds maybe....and the line got darker and darker and darker.

I sat and stared. Just stared. I grabbed my phone, my hands shaking, and took a picture.

I walked around in a bit of a fog that night. I text Goran the picture and asked him to call me. Goran called and it was a bit of a celebration over the phone, with more tears and the happiest of words shared back and forth.

The hours turned into days and some how weeks. I've had moments of  terror as I convince myself something is wrong like last time. I become quiet, and withdrawn as I relive last September over and over in my mind. I've had moments of pure joy when I let myself be at peace, and go over all the good signs I'm having and all the negative signs I don't have that I had last time.

Slowly I have shared with my circle of friends, and the news leaks out around me to others. People are truly happy for us, for the peace and healing this will bring. For the luv our family will welcome a new baby with, and for the joy a new baby will bring us.

In the last few days I approach the milestone of when I had spotting last time. 9 weeks is in a few days. As this week approached I had amazing amounts of fear and anxiety. I pulled into myself as the fear took over. But something inside me kept saying 'Reach out, reach out....' so I did. I reached out to friends and family with my fears. That voice inside did not do me wrong! They responded with kindness, sympathy, and understanding. A good friend who was close to me in September explained to me how I am different this time around. She explained the 'silent warning signs' I had last time but continued to over look. I see what she means.  I am feeling more and more at peace.

Does this mean I am in the clear? Does this grantee a healthy baby mid winter? No. It doesn't. But it means, I am trusting that what will be will be, and that I have all the support and luv I need to get through any situation.

It means I am happy for today. For the positive signs of pregnancy that I have. For the delight on the wee ones faces as we shared the news. For sharing my joy with others and all those who have truly shared in our joy with us.  

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery. - Urban Dictionary